Randumbery V

I used to run this semi regular feature called "Randumbness" about, as you would guess, various random and dumb things going on. It was a nice page filler. You thought you were getting actual carefully constructed content. Instead, you were getting fluff, filler, time wasters. I'm not saying this to foreshadow this post. I'm just saying the post title is Randumbery and if you can put 2 and 2 together....well, we'll both be pleasantly surprised at your cognitive skills.

And this edition of Randumbery goes interactive! At least, interactive in a way that requires only slightly more effort than the regular ole post.

It’s been awhile. Time for another haphazard collection of partially digested thoughts! I’ve mixed a delicious recipe of loosely related topics together to form a nonsensical stew.

Eat up.

Pangs

First, I’m living with pangs of regret. I’ve just recently decided that I should have called this semi-regular (i.e. not regular) feature “Rundumbery” instead. Seems more appropriate somehow. But then Randumbery ties in the word random better. What to do…what to do…such useless thoughts occupy my mind. You decide. Vote here:



Indulgence

I added up my official mileage total for 2008 and it was surprisingly low. Only 1054 total miles. I did 1240 in 2007. What gives? Maybe all of those real attractive runs I thought I was completing weren’t real. They were just running through my head all evening.

The ever present pain residing in my right ass cheek indicates I did plenty of running in 2008. Maybe the lymphatic drainage will take care of that. There are ass lymphs, aren’t there?

Binge

This is one of my favorite marathon pictures snapped by the one and only Mrs. Nitmos in 2007. I just happened upon it the other day when moving some photos to CD. It’s a stampede of folks that, really, should have better sense than doing what they are doing. This is near mile marker 1. Only 25 more miles to go everyone! Don’t look so happy.



Let’s play a Where’s Waldo? game renamed, fittingly, Where’s Nitmos? Can you spot me in this cavalcade of marathoners? Also, there is a juggler in this photo. I hesitate to call him Perry the Joggler – though it could be him – as I don’t know for sure (though I know he ran this race). I ran along side this person for the first ½ mile to check out his joggling skills. Pretty amazing. I’ll give you the answer to both of our locations next post. I’m pretty obvious, I think, but the joggler is harder to spot. He appears to be cupping something in his hand as if he brought along some water but forgot to bring a cup to hold it in. Or he’s a 70 year old woman without an athletic support bra.

Click to enlarge...wouldn't it be nice if life was that way?

Purge

Now that you’ve finished your Nitmos stew, feel free to purge…and then go back to the top and binge again. My posts become even more satisfying the more times you read them.

Happy trails.
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Good luck to the Goofy Challengers and all Disney runners this weekend! I wish I was there. If someone would generously donate about $1500, I’ll be there next year. Let me know of you’d like to help a poor runner achieve his dreams in this tough economy.

Randumbery Goes Arm Pit Digging

I used to run this semi regular feature called "Randumbness" about, as you would guess, various random and dumb things going on. It was a nice page filler. You thought you were getting actual carefully constructed content. Instead, you were getting fluff, filler, time wasters. I'm not saying this to foreshadow this post. I'm just saying the post title is Randumbery and if you can put 2 and 2 together....well, we'll both be pleasantly surprised at your cognitive skills.

It just feels like a Randumbery kinda day doesn't it? In the 80’s – ‘member those? - there was a weird series of subversive movies making the rounds called Faces of Death. It spawned several sequels. It was really inappropriate, as I say to my kids now, but at the time we could feel our teenage rebellious innards embiggen with every knock of the mallet on the monkeys skull and every mouthful of brain a diner eagerly gulped down. Monkey brains, a delicacy in some parts of the world! It was one of the scenes, one of the more subdued scenes in fact, in the Faces of Death “films”. But you had to be in the mood to sit through it….much like sitting through Randumbery. I’ve decided for you that you’re in the mood.

Your Pancreas Looks Fat

As the owner of a daughter, I’ve become more aware of the societal pressures on female body image. It struck me in the face the day my then seven year old filly lifted up her shirt to show her rail-thin, rib cage exposed, near starvation level stomach and pronounced “I think I’m getting fat.” After I picked my lower jaw off the floor, I then launched into a series fawning compliments about how perfect she is and how she could eat at buffets for the next two years and no one would notice and that, though her belly button area could lose a millimeter or two, let's be honest, her stomach was perfect size - overall (almost no one will notice the millimeter or two) – for someone her age. Some of that may or may not be true but I’m sure I acted like a real buffoon with all of the over-exaggerated, self-esteem building compliments to combat the spector of anorexia looming behind her.

She looked at me like I was on crack. I eyed my fourth fudge stripe cookie suspiciously and put it away.

I think Stephen Colbert’s recent “The Word” summed things up pretty good. It’s well worth five minutes of your time. Pure genius comedy. Love this:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Word - Buy and Cellulite
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive

How Quickly You Metabolize Quizno’s

The 115th Boston Marathon is Monday. There’s part of me that wants to be there and part of me that’s glad I’m not. I sure as hell didn’t want to have to train through this gawdawful winter. One of my favorite memories of the 2008 Boston Marathon was learning just how quickly my body could take in a solid food through the mouth, process it, and then spray it out my anus in pure liquid form. Total time? About twenty minutes. Long –time readers will recall my unfortunate choice to eat a taco from an airport taco stand in Washington D.C. while awaiting the connection to Boston.

Bad decision. I couldn’t hold anything in for two days. I walked around Boston with an eye towards each restroom as my body continually rejected food. After 48 hours, I figured the bug must have passed so I gambled and ate a few big bites of a Quizno’s sub. Then I ate another. Then I turned slightly green. Then I thought I was Paul McCartney for four minutes. Mrs. Nitmos asked how I was doing and I said “Let it be, let it be.” After a few minutes of gently sobbing with my face in my palms, I headed into the Quizno’s bathroom and sprayed down their stall like a fireman putting out a porcelain fire.

Maybe I was still sick. Or maybe Quizno’s is the perfect laxative.

Hella Sounds

Our good blog friend John Frenette from HellaSound has new music available. It’s original running music synced to YOUR pace and designed to burn calories. Have you checked it out? He has several songs in his catalog as well as a free song that you can check out to see what it is all about (according to his email blast).

John so graciously provided the intro music for our upstart podcast, Banned on the Run (currently experiencing production delays, cost overruns, rewrites, rehab, and general apathy), at no charge. How did we repay him for his time? By using it 2-3 times and then not podcasting anymore. Since none of the BotR crew are going to pay him for his time, the least YOU could do is buy a song or two from the guy. Go there.

Going Down

Yesterday’s race pace eight miler was accomplished at 6:43 pace. That’s better than last week’s 6:47 pace but the destination is 6:35 pace. I need to go down more (t.w.s.s.)

I’ll be at six – that’s 6 – soccer games this weekend for the kids. Who would have thought standing on the sidelines eating popcorn, chatting with other parents, and shouting “You gotta want it!” with popcorn shards spitting out of my mouth could be so exhausting? I don’t know why the kids are complaining.

Happy trails.

Randumbery VI: Home of The Original

I used to run this semi regular feature called "Randumbness" about, as you would guess, various random and dumb things going on. It was a nice page filler. You thought you were getting actual carefully constructed content. Instead, you were getting fluff, filler, time wasters. I'm not saying this to foreshadow this post. I'm just saying the post title is Randumbery and if you can put 2 and 2 together....well, we'll both be pleasantly surprised at your cognitive skills.

First, there is no substitute for The Original Randumbery. After the Indiana Jones movies came out, did anyone really need the Allan Quartermain series? Does anyone remember the Allan Quartermain films? There were two. They made a sequel. So, the recent Half-Fast v. Feet Meet Street hubbub started when Vanilla attempted to Quartermain me with his Rundum Thoughts post. Everyone knows I have the market cornered on semi-regular random thoughts posts through-out the entire world wide web. Let’s face it, it’s such a unique concept that no one could possibly have come up with it on their own. I believe that thunderbolt hit me while I was crafting a race report in mile by mile breakdowns in my entirely original way that I do. Little did I know then that I’d be Quartermained in both my race report structure AND random thought posts.

On with the show…

Racevine

There is a new runner friendly website in town. You may have heard about it already. If you have, then it appears I’ve been pre-Quartermained and I’ll be contacting my attorneys. It’s called Racevine…and you should be humming along with Marvin Gaye “I heard it though the racevine.” This site is designed to be a one stop spot to learn about details of your next race. It features reviews from folks who have participated in the race. You’ll no doubt discover a few secrets that the official race web sites really didn’t want you to know about their race. (i.e. This course is a lot harder than they let on. And the person who handed me the medal gave me the stink eye.) You can – and should – post your own race reviews as well so others may learn from your failure experience. It’s easy to navigate and you can annoy others by constantly singing that you “heard it through the racevine.” Catchy, right?

Thanks but…

Believe it or not, I’m usually quite pleasant and polite to strangers. I even feel vicarious embarrassment when I see someone else do something embarrassing. Rarely, for example, would I clap for the person who dropped their tray breaking all of the plates in a cafeteria. I always avert my head to laugh when one of my filly’s teammates swing the t-ball bat so hard that they wrap themselves around slugging themselves in the back of the head. And mall fatties? Sure, I might think ‘do you really need to double fist those Peanut Butter Parfaits’ but I never say it. I do all of the laughing behind these people’s backs (and on this blog) which, I think, somehow makes me a better person.

But I was challenged the other day. My colt was practicing his pitching. I was catching. This takes place on our front sidewalk. He overthrew one that got behind me and bounded away down the concrete coming to a rest in the direction of an approaching runner. Of course, I was hoping the runner would stop, pick it up and throw it back (something I sure as hell wouldn’t do; pace killer!) so I took a few of those obviously stilted and slow strides in the direction of the ball to try to entice him to get it. He did. Nice guy. I smiled, held open my glove, and waited. He took a few steps and then...kept walking towards me. Awk-ward. Hand delivering the baseball? That’s a little too personal for my tastes, no thanks. He probably sensed my heebie-jeebies. Maybe by the downturn cringing frown that spread across my face as if I just watched a family dog get run over by a tow truck. Then, he stopped, looked at the ball, and chucked it. He was no more than 20 feet away, a completely manageable throw for a full grown adult human male.

I have never seen a ball thrown more poorly. His arm kinda hitched mid-throw and it took off roughly 15 feet into the air over my head and into a tree. It rattled and bounced against the tree limbs like it was making its way down the Price is Right Plinko board. Oh, I tried to catch it. I could already feel my face getting red due to his embarrassment. I followed the ball as it bounced back and forth trying to line myself up to where I thought it would come out.

Thud.

It hit the ground again about halfway between me and him. Even through his sun glasses, I could see and feel his humiliation. I wanted to say “Sorry” and “Better luck next time” or “Half way is better than nothing” but instead, I croaked out a “Well, thanks. Appreciate the help.” He stammered and muttered something about ‘no problem’ but we both knew that was a lie. Clearly, it was a problem.

As he resumed his run, I turned to throw the ball back to my colt with a huge grin on my face. This was too funny not to laugh out loud. I returned to my catcher’s crouch and watched him run off at right angle surprised he was getting the whole left, right, left, right thing down with his legs without tripping.

Banned

I’m not going to spill the details but we’ve been busy recording another podcast. If you don’t know who I mean by “we”, you must be a new reader. I’ll leave it to you to rummage through my archives to find out who constitutes a “we.” Besides, there’s some good shit in there and you should do it anyway (careful, there's few posts describing fruit falling from my anus. Fair warning.) Some of you will no doubt be expecting me to call one of the participants Mr. Quartermain but I will refrain. It’s been awhile. More details to come.

And that, my friends, is how Randumbery is actually done. In novella form.

Have a great weekend!

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A one mile 5k training time trial and 8 mile "long run" (or is that a medium run?) on tap for me this weekend. Keep working hard. It's racing season!

Randumbery X: May I Be Chosen By The Claw

I used to run this semi regular feature called "Randumbness" about, as you would guess, various random and dumb things going on. It was a nice page filler. You thought you were getting actual carefully constructed content. Instead, you were getting fluff, filler, time wasters. I'm not saying this to foreshadow this post. I'm just saying the post title is Randumbery and if you can put 2 and 2 together....well, we'll both be pleasantly surprised at your cognitive skills.

I haven’t done a Randumbery in awhile. Mainly, I didn’t receive many (re: any) emails clamoring for its return since I last did one in April. But I don’t do what you like around here; I do what I like. So here goes the usual assortment of haphazard, ill-considered topics presented to you in Pro/Con format (also in HD, depending on your monitor).


The Claw

Ever notice how good I am with photo editing? I look just like Woody in a scene from Toy Story. It’s seamless. You wouldn’t know that my work computer only has MS Paint and that I have roughly 4 minutes to complete the task. It doesn’t show.

I hope to be chosen by the NYRR “random” selection claw process for the 2011 NY Marathon.

Pro: If I’m selected, rest assured that I’ll gloat, prance around with my successful application and point & mock those not chosen.

Con: If I’m not selected, rest assured that I’ll humbly resubmit for the next year and I’ll thank you not to laugh.


The Beautiful Game

Mrs. Nitmos and I are considering signing up for a co-ed indoor soccer team to be played in a safe environment and amongst friends. We haven't played in years but how hard can it be right? Besides, it's good winter cross-training.

Con: It costs $85 per person per 8 games. That’s $170 for 8 games of 'America frowned-upon' European sporting action. We’d have to decide which child won’t go to college after all.

Pro: It’d be a one-time only deal as, once the others got a face full of my elbows and latent adolescent hostility manifesting in the form of spikes to the ACL and threats against an opponent’s “real” father (if they even know who that is, of course, and, for that matter, does your mother?), it’d be doubtful that we’d be asked back.

Torn ACL’s in t-minus 17 days…


Home

Does anyone else refer to their home as a "lair" when speaking in public places? I highly recommend it just for the priceless looks you get from wary strangers.

Con: Your kids are humiliated and embarrassed to be seen with you.

Pro: Your kids are humiliated and embarrassed to be seen with you.

Hope everyone has a terrific weekend. Run long, run hard – that’s what I said – to make room for the turkey feast. That’s called being pro-active!

Happy trails.

Randumbery III

I used to run this semi regular feature called "Randumbness" about, as you would guess, various random and dumb things going on. It was a nice page filler. You thought you were getting actual carefully constructed content. Instead, you were getting fluff, filler, time wasters. I'm not saying this to foreshadow this post. I'm just saying the post title is Randumbery and if you can put 2 and 2 together....well, we'll both be pleasantly surprised at your cognitive skills.


Big Brain on Brett

I’m going to reveal to you all an ancient but tightly guarded secret on how to keep forehead sweat from running into your eyes. You might think to yourself, easy, bandanna. Or headband. Or wicking hat (or wickeding hat, if you are from Boston). Nope. Nope. And nope.

Well, maybe they’ll all work for that purpose. I don’t know. I don’t wear anything on my noggin’ whilst running as my brain is constantly flexing and volatile and cannot be contained by an inflexible hat band. Plus, my parietal lobe is frickin’ sweet and should not be covered up. That’d be like putting clothes on Michelangelo’s David (though I think most men would agree he should be at least wearing a thong.)

My family secret for keeping sweat out of eyes, handed down generation by generation, known only to close relatives and anyone who reads Runner’s World or any other running reference periodical? Chapstick. That’s right. Smear some Chapstick on the forehead above the eyebrows and watch the sweat magically disappear before reaching your eyeballs.

Try it out. Honest, I’m not trying to make you look like a douchebag.

I’d Gotta Know What A $5 Milkshake Tastes Like

I was all set to slam this horrible tasting fruit snack I had the other day. On the fly, I picked up a couple X-Treme Fruit Bites snack packets promising no preservatives, no fat, no artificial flavors and an “excellent source of vitamin C”. They were only .39 cents and I’m up for all of those things (or none of those things as the case may be.) I bought one grape and one strawberry flavor as .78 cents is a bit much to take out of the family budget.

Did you ever want to cut off your own tongue or get angry with your esophagus for not initiating the gag reflex? That’s how I felt after the first few bites of the grape flavor bites. I pressed on, basically, in disbelief that it really couldn’t be this awful tasting. I double and triple checked the package to see if it's corporate motto was 'It Makes You Feel Like You Are Dead Inside!' It had to get better didn’t it? Horrible. In the trash it went.

So, I sat here ready to let X-Treme Fruit Bites have it in Randumbery III with this lonely, menacing packet of strawberry bites staring at my from the drawer. I couldn't just throw out the strawberry packet without even trying it. Who's got .39 cents to burn? That's like 10 percent of a gallon of gas. The thought of bullying kids for their lunch money (again) just didn't appeal to me. I figured I’d sample those while I wrote this entry just to remind myself of how irate and ill feeling I got when testing the first packet. But you know what? Strawberry wasn’t too bad. In fact, it was pretty good.

I would rather lick a walrus’s armpit before having the grape bites again but strawberry? Sure.

We’re Gonna Be Like Three Little Fonzies Here

Three summer movie notes of only mild interest:

Best Film Wherein Someone Dies From a Golf Club Beating? Funny Games.
Best Use of Well-Coiffed Cavemen to Completely Distort History? 10,000 B.C.
Funniest Testicles-Rubbed-On-A-Drum-Set Scene? Stepbrothers.

Ringo’s Proud of You And So Am I. It’s Almost Over.

Twenty miles Sunday morning. Roctane GU here I come. Now things are getting serious…

Happy Labor Day.
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9 sluggish miles last evening barely worth mentioning. I can't shake the chest congestion. Boo-hoo.
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Don't forget to check out Reid's One Mile Virtual Race announcement and get in on the action.

Randumbery Hearts NY

I used to run this semi regular feature called "Randumbness" about, as you would guess, various random and dumb things going on. It was nice page filler. You thought you were getting actual carefully constructed content. Instead, you were getting fluff, filler, time wasters. I'm not saying this to foreshadow this post. I'm just saying the post title is Randumbery and if you can put 2 and 2 together....well, we'll both be pleasantly surprised at your cognitive skills.

How ‘bout we start the New Year off with another lame round of Randumbery?!

New Year’s Eve and Lazy Eyes

When you have kids, you find yourself doing things you’d otherwise never do. First among those is wiping someone else’s ass. Second among those is trying to convince a six year old that the bowl hair cut they just received – and Daddy got for $4.95! – looks GREAT! Even when the kids grow up a bit, as mine have, and the ass wiping and $4.95 bowl cuts are no longer possible, there are still compromises along life’s Road of Coolness you thought you’d be traveling.

All of this carefully worded pre-explanation is to try to justify why we spent New Year’s Eve in a bowling alley. But there we were on the evening of the 31st of December. Sure, we had accomplices: Another couple and their two kids also took the off ramp from Cool Highway into the Cherry HellHill Lanes in Southeastern Michigan. The eight off us spent the evening wearing clown shoes, throwing polished rocks at bright white immobile penguins, and counting the lazy eyes amongst the other patrons. I’m convinced that the ratio of lazy eyes to normal eyes at a bowling alley is 1:3. I believe we stumbled upon the Midwest’s largest collection of bowling alley lazy eyes this side of Super Walmart. But it does pass the time speculating on the degree of the lazy….I think I saw a full fledged 90 degreer two lanes down!

Of course, this whole evening was made easier by bowling alley beer. They still serve Blatz on tap? Who knew? And, yes, I finally broke 100 by the third game. And, yes, I’m on antibiotics for my foot herpes.

Who Has Two Thumbs and Hearts the New York City Marathon?

This guy!

Who has two thumbs and sat at his computer on January 2nd at noon to be among the first people to register even though he’s supposed to have an automatic qualification?

This guy!

Who has two thumbs and is entirely too eager to fork over $250 to slowly kill myself across 5 Burroughs?

This guy!

Who has two thumbs and made room reservations two months ago in anticipation of his race?

This guy!

Who has one finger and an angry disposition vented frequently on this lightly read blog if, for some reason, he doesn’t gain entry?

NY, you don’t want to find out. Do the right thing.

41,667%

That’s the percentage of your daily vitamin B12 amount inside a single serving of a product called Zipfizz sent to me for a product review. 41,667%? Yeah, that seems about right, I guess. Anything less than 40,000% and I’m sluggish.

I haven’t had a chance to use and review it yet. That 41,667 number keeps bouncing around my brain. The Zipfizz folks claim that there’s no toxicity in taking that much B12. I confirmed that you can’t “overdose” on B12 through a few other medical websites so….I guess I’ll try it sometime.

With so much B12, after one serving, by my calculation, that means I won’t have to take more B12 for 416 days – or until about March 1st, 2013 if I took some today. So I’d have that going for me…which is nice. But by March of 2013, ho boy look out, I’ll be jonesing for some B12.

Stay tuned for a Zipfizz review. I’ll post one with or without my liver.

Running, Sans Pants

I’m not knocking the weather around here. It’s been a weird mid-winter Goreian 40 degrees here lately. No snow and sunny in spots for two weeks and for the coming few days. In January. In Michigan. I haven’t picked up my shovel since mid-December.

I’ve been running without pants!*

I’m not knocking the weather but I’m sure as shit knocking on wood.

Happy trails.

* No pants but shorts. It’s still too cold for my flippety flop to be left exposed. Ever hear of a “blue helmet”? No, and there’s a reason for that.

Randumbery Reads the Fine Print

I used to run this semi regular feature called "Randumbness" about, as you would guess, various random and dumb things going on. It was nice page filler. You thought you were getting actual carefully constructed content. Instead, you were getting fluff, filler, time wasters. I'm not saying this to foreshadow this post. I'm just saying the post title is Randumbery and if you can put 2 and 2 together....well, we'll both be pleasantly surprised at your cognitive skills.

NYQ!

Remember how I got all indignant like two posts ago because my automatic qualification for the 2012 NYC Marathon was yanked right from under me by newly revised time standards? Remember how I whined, went all ethnocentric, and made up a new, slightly blasphemous character named Jesus H. Beardsley and then put him on a Popsicle stick?

Welp, it turns out that one of my anonymous readers is a more diligent reader than I. I was so focused on the new chart showing age/time standards for automatic entry into New York going forward that I didn’t bother to read the fine print. Underneath the chart announcing the time standard for a 40 year old shifting from 1:30 to 1:23 for a half marathon qualifier, it says:

Because the 2012 race qualifying period is already open, this new policy will take effect beginning with the 2013 race.

You know what that means right? NYQ! NYQ! NYQ! In other words, I don’t have to put my name into a lottery like some unwashed commoner. Nitmos deserves his special treatment and it appears that New York also desires to massage his shoulders and give him a manny/peddy!

Now, I need to be quick on the draw once the registration opens – usually not a problem for me. Have you booked your room yet? I have…just in case. I want to be as close as possible to those high class New York hookers.*

Speak of the Devil

Dick Beardsley was in my nape of the woods…neck of the wape…he was here the other day. The guy keeps coming by my local running store…which is only about 2 miles from my house. Yeah, he’s a bit of a creeper. Probably drives a panel van.

Actually, I saw him speak two years ago – you can find that little write-up here – and he was a fascinating speaker. If he’s in your area, don’t be afraid to go and give him a listen. Very entertaining. If you were ever wary of threshers before, you’ll be downright scairt after.

I couldn’t go this time, restraining orders being what they are and all. Besides, at this point, there’s really nothing more left to say. It’s long past time for Duel in the Sun II: Tears of Beardsley**.

Health Scare

It’s time to sign up for health insurance again through my company! This is annually one of my favorite times of the year. It’s always clever how those wacky insurance carriers find new and incredibly deceptive ways to hide their decreased coverage and increased costs. It’s like a little demented game…find the new loophole that’ll screw you if you’re not careful!

I’m not Viperian frugal but I like to save a buck as much as the next Viper. Thus I try to find that perfect balance between decent coverage and cheapest out of pocket costs. What results, typically, is partial coverage. Case in point: Mrs. Nitmos wears glasses (or contacts). She’s a candidate for Lasik. But my carrier will only cover half the costs of Lasik. Well, I’m not a rich heartless banker, like Ian, so I can only pay so much. We compromised: She had one eye Lasiked but not the other. There is no need for glasses in one eye now – and I’m not going to pay for something unneeded – so now she wears a monocle. You’d be surprised how cheap you can buy a monocle. A lot of time, it comes with a free Charlie McCarthy doll.

Compromise! It’s what the Nitmos family does…

And that’s Randumbery for today, folks. Hey, here’s a completely unnecessary photo of my colt schooling some poor bow-legged kid. Left defender, away!Happy trails.

*The kind with less herpes.
**I’m still writing it but waiting for the obvious conclusion to unfold. I’ve already gotten some interest from a publishing house. When I sent off my draft, one house replied, “This is the least interesting sequel in the history of sequels. We’d be more interested in a book about a snake slowly ingesting a panda for 300 pages. Might have broader appeal”, which, I think, is pretty promising because who wouldn’t read a snake/panda book?

Randumbery Bats Eyes at New York, Still

You come here for the snark; you stay for the soccer updates; you click away unfulfilled. Such is life on Feet Meet Street. Now you know how Mrs. Nitmos feels.

Randumbery lives! Do I need to explain this segment still after five years?? On with the shooooowwww…..

Kummerpecking Like a Motherspecker

Have you worked kummerspeck into a conversation yet? Ten points for Gryffindor if you have. I don’t need to ‘work’ kummerspecking into anything. I’ve literally been eating my grief bacon for a week now since the cancellation of the NYC Marathon. I’ve been kummerspecking the hell out of our leftover Halloween candy reservoir. And, to be honest, who’s kidding who about this “leftover candy” bin? I purposely bought way too much candy to give away full well knowing that there would be some left over. When events transpired that threatened to call my favorite candy into action Halloween night, I took control of the Front Door Sweet Dispersal Interface and reportioned our, ahem, rather generous contributions to a more modest size. Voila! My favorite candy saved just for me and my self-pity.

Is that a dickish move? I don’t care. If you want my fun-size Heath bars and giant fecal-reminiscent Tootsie Roll turds, you better not be the 17th Power Ranger I’ve seen. Or the 22nd Cinderella. Is that a magic wand or did you glue some glitter on star shaped cardboard and tape it to a pencil? #cheapskateheresabutterscotchdrop

One Bite of the Apple is Not Enough

Running a HUGE marathon is more about the event itself rather than the purity of running for running’s sake. My best race times have been at smaller races. I’ve enjoyed the sport more at those smaller events also. However, there is a tangible and invigorating energy surrounding these BIG ROCK STAR SUPER GALACTIC events that is missing at the small localized races. Though financially and logistically they are often a nightmare to deal with, I still like to experience them on occasion to take a dip in full on runner porn. Plus, let’s face it, the New York Marathon is a big “get”. Boston was a fun experience but New York was the one I was really looking forward to.

Did you know I didn’t get to run it? Did you drop out of the sky and start reading at this paragraph as that would be the only explanation?

After doing a few “laps” around Central Park that fateful Sunday, I can definitely say I’m still hungry for more. In fact, I think that only stoked my appetite. Before, I wanted to do New York. Now, I believe I NEED to do it. And I will….pending word from NYRR about how they are handling this year’s entrants. Next time, my bite of the Big Apple won’t have a worm in it.

FU Sandy.  I ran anyhow!

There can’t possibly be another inconvenient hurricane next year, can there Al?  I want to race down those streets like the winds of a....nevermind.

Oh, yeah, and rebuild Staten Island! Preferably with a heated indoor lounge able to house approximately 47,000 people once a year (or twice, pending natural disasters.)

Lemonade!

This lady used her time NOT running New York to give the running community a good name. What a terrific ambassador(s) for the sport! Me? Too busy hobnobbing with huge international celebs here, here, here and here to be bothered.  Big gold star for her; picture with The Fonz for me.  Who won?

Mercury Up, Nipples Out

What has two nipples and ran shirtless the other day? You can’t see but my nipples are bending playfully back towards my areola as if to say “THIS GUY”. That’s right, 65 degrees in Michigan, in November! Oh yeah, I popped my top. It might be months before I get another chance. I was so excited that if Joe Francis and his Girls Gone Wild motor home been around, I might have giggled playfully, signed a release form, and stepped aboard in exchange for a t-shirt.

Soccer! Me, This Time

What has two aching hamstrings and doesn’t know its age? My spasmic hamstrings, bending like angry electrical arches, are saying “THIS GUY!” Is there anything more futile than running to near exhaustion, to a 6-6 tie in an over-30 co-ed league, against opponents of which half do not have functioning ACL’s and are forced to wear a knee brace?

It turns out, I’m much better telling my kids how to play rather than doing it myself. Speaking of which…

Soccer! The Colt and Filly, for the Final Time…This Season

Since I know you care and haven’t clicked away unfulfilled yet, here’s the final soccer update for the year. The colt’s J.V. team finished 10-2-3 allowing only 8 goals against this season to go with 10 shutouts - his stat sheet as a defender.

The filly’s team finished 5-3. As striker, she converted 16 goals in 8 games on the year (and about 6 other crossbars, ggrrrrr) and took home the team MVP trophy for her club team at the end of season banquet. The filly feels she can do better next year!?! Why do I think she’ll be complaining of sore hamstrings as a 41 year adult in a co-ed league one day? Circle of life!

That’s all...until January when it begins again. And again. And again…

Randumbery out.

Happy Seacresting.
________________________________

Running isn't as popular as the NFL.  Who knew?

Randumbery Assembles An Ass Line-Up

There are a lot of weird things going on lately.  It must be an election year.  Let’s get right into our random listing of dumb things….lovingly called Randumbery.

Have You Seen This…Ass?

Okay, minimalists, enough is enough.  First, the shoes are just too much and had to go.  Now things have carried to their inevitable conclusion: naked running.  That’s the agenda of all minimalist runners; don’t let them fool you.  They won’t rest until we are all running naked.  Just wait until McDougall comes out with his sequel to Born to Run - Born to Free Ball? - promoting the natural, centering, free gravity effects of running without shorts…that Big Pant has actually altered our natural waist movement and thrown off our natural running form.  Should be a hit.  Nike, Asics, Brooks, New balance, to your labs to create a lightweight, invisible, near nothing running short!*

In Colorado, home of hippies and intermittent slack bloggers, Carbondale is ground zero in the War on Minimalism.  Rampant packs of naked, trail running men have been spotted on hiking trails.  The Garfield County Sheriff’s Office has received several complaints.  Sheriff Lou Vallario has the situation under control. 

At a press conference yesterday, however, Sheriff Lou Vallario stated the naked men shouldn't deter outdoor enthusiasts from going about their business as usual.

"Be a little more aware, take some precautions... but you need to do what you enjoy in life,” said Sheriff Vallario in a Grand Junction Sentinel article.

Apparently, except running naked.  Right, Sheriff Lou?

Click the link and enjoy the descriptions of the four specific incidents cited.  Do you see something missing from those descriptions?  I know if I did some naked trail running, the first thing described to the police wouldn’t be my hair color or height but the size of…my their amazement.  (insert rim shot!)

Also, does one of these runners NOT sound like the others?  Note incident description #4.  It says nothing about running but maybe he’s taking a Gu break?  Can a fellow get a rim shot up in here?!?

There will be an ass line-up soon to identify this minimalist terrorist:

This is Colorado right?  Hey, has anyone seen Ian?

He must work out.

Had a Bad Run?  Eat More Sugar

Here’s another newsflash from some brainiacs at a sciencey place.  They’ve gone and studied more rats and projected their findings onto human beings again.  What they found this time is that “people who eat large amounts of sugar for as little as 6 weeks experience a sharp decline in learning and memory ability.” 

"Our findings illustrate that what you eat affects how you think," lead researcher Fernando Gomez-Pinilla said in a statement. "Eating a high-fructose diet over the long term alters your brain's ability to learn and remember information.”

The article didn’t specifically mention fudge stripe cookies and jelly beans so I don’t think I’m affected by this.  In fact, the article seems to be sponsoring a form of Sugar Minimalism which, I believe, is an offshoot of shoe minimalism and thus a part of the larger War on Minimalism.

Mmmm, little gobs of bite size goodness.

What does this have to do with running?  Well, first of all, it doesn’t have to do anything with running.  This is my blog and I can rant if I want to.  Second, there is, in fact, an important conclusion here for runners:  Eat lots of sugar and forget about how awful all that training is for the marathon.  At least, that’s my takeaway.  Jelly beans, start shivering in terror!  I figure I eat enough sugar and who remembers the calf cramp pain during that 20 miler?

Bikes 1, Genitalia 0

Another study from ‘The World is Round’ crowd.  This time they tell us that cycling leads to decreased genital sensation in women, numbness, poor sperm morphology in men, and erectile dysfunction.  They also ominously state that “female cyclists had less genital sensation than female runners.”  I didn’t know decreased genital sensation was a byproduct of running.  I guess that marathon medal you received has a double meaning, eh?  Congratulations, you finished the marathon!  And now your hooha is damaged!

I still ride a sweet 1998 Huffy Snakerock** but, let me tell you, I agree with these findings.  I lovingly refer to my Huffy as "The Eunuch Maker".

Just some more food for thought for you ardent cyclists or, as I now call you, Genital Minimalists.

Can We Make It Five?

You thought you were going the whole week without a Nitmos’ kids soccer update?  WRONG!  My colt will be invading northern Ohio this week to go for his 5^th win in a row.  And 5^th shut out in a row as well.  No kidding…their last four matches have ended in the following scores in order: 1-0, 2-0, 3-0, 4-0.  Anything other than 5-0 and we will not be pleased.  It shouldn’t be a problem as, again, he will be in Ohio.  I believe Ohio is known more for pay-for-play college football players rather than youth soccer.

But maybe he’ll get a tattoo while there.  We’ll bring an extra jersey to barter.

In the land where boys don't have blue faces.  But DESTROY 4-0!

______________________________________

And that’s how we do Randumbery.  Thanks for playing!

* Expected retail:  $109

** Actual retail: $49 (Walmart, 1998)

Randumbery Hears Sad Trombones

You know the drill, it’s Randumbery!  It’s bite size portions of news of interest to only me, probably.  Don’t like it?  Get your own blog.

Who’s running New York?

The NYC Marathon drawing was last week and, I have to ask, is ANYONE running New York?  As I survey the blogscape, I see all NO’s from the lottery.  How can that be with roughly 45,000 possible entries?  Are bloggers the unluckiest group of all?  Believe me, I’m happy to be running it this year but I guess the other 45,000 runners will be complete strangers. 

I almost feel guilty about buying up those 5,000 registrations - to go unfilled - just to keep the crowds away from me.  It seemed prudent at the time but it’s starting to feel…a bit selfish.  Almost.

One Mile Time Trial:  Act Two

I’m a sad marmoset.  My recurring spring/summer series “One Mile Time Trial” held another showing at the local high school track last Friday.  It was a rerun.  Or almost a rerun.  Whoever said that you’ll find the greatest improvement between the first and second attempt, as you apply lessons learned, is completely full of shit.  In Act One, I ran a 5:39.  I fully expected at least a 5:35 for Act Two.  What do you think I ran? (Don’t look at the big red numbers below.)

5:38

Srsly?  That sucks.  If my math is correct, that’s a one second improvement.  And that could just be due to a quick finger on the stop button since I’m manually starting/stopping the Garmin.  Heck, that could be a rounding issue.  I thought I was going to hear a triumphant trumpet processional announce a successful time trial as I crossed the finish.  Instead, it was all sad trombones making a mockery of me, my Garmin, and my rosy cheeks (due to the harsh wind in the 2nd straightaway and turns 3 and 4).    Jealous how I slipped that excuse into my own pity party? 

I’ve been kummerspecking all weekend about it.  Next time, do better, Nitmos.

Filly Four

More soccer!  It is America’s sport!  The filly was the only one in action this Saturday.  Her team eviscerated an over matched squad 4-0.  The filly knocked in all 4 goals while splitting time between striker and midfielder.  I had to buy her 4 donuts as payment as this was our pre-game deal.  She got 3 chocolates and a powdered donut post game.  Fortunately, she did not eat them all at once. 

The other team had a long, shameful ride 90 minutes home to Dearborn.  I’m sure they did some kummerspecking of their own.  Maybe next time they'll do better as I hear the greatest improvement is better the first and second attempt.

Pictures?  Why, of course (click to make like a prostate and enlarge):

Splitting the D

Determined (and open)

Look, I can dribble backwards!

Goal in 3-2-1....  Ref, get that whistle ready.

Happy Trails.

Randumbery V Redux

This is my version of the Results Show for the previous post.

Big surprise, I ask for some assistance with the title of this segment and the top vote getter is “Who Gives A Shit You Self Important Jackhole”. I should have known. You are the type of folks that would grab a lawn chair and drink a beer while I flailed around engulfed in flames.

Who gives a shit you self important jackhole.
20

Keep it Randumbery.
12

Change to Rundumbery.
11


Well, it’s a bit of a clunky title but if that’s what you want…

As for Where’s Nitmos? I think most of you spotted me. I don’t think I’m hard to find. I thought I might fool you because I wasn’t wearing my helmet that day. And thank you for pointing out my goth look. You might not be able to tell but I’m wearing mascara, listening to Marilyn Manson, and thinking about how society doesn’t want me to run marathons.

Actually if you look around, I’m basically the only dumb ass that wore dark colors on a sunny, 90 degree day. In my defense, not everyone can be smart.

Thanks to Perry for stopping by to identify himself. Click to enlarge the picture above and you’ll see the joggler under a blue arrow. Me under the red arrow (with more PhotoShop magic! Hey, I have a full time job and it is incredibly hard to work with photos when people can see my screen. Cut me some slack.) As a special bonus, I have identified my favorite runner….the dude with the headband matching green arrow. Dare to dream.

A few of you pointed out runner #1771. I’m not a fan of chest waxing and I believe this illustrates my argument quite nicely. I’m not sure I really need to say more on the matter.

Incidentally, my filly gets angry when she sees this picture. She’s under the illusion that I win the races I’m in. So, she sees all of these other folks in front of me and wonders why they are beating her dad. Of course, I have to then sit her down and explain how performance enhancing drugs work and that some people choose to cheat.

As an added bonus, I found two other disturbing Waldo cartoons on the net. Credit is given for the pictures. If you want to sue me for copyright infringement, I can be found here.

www.funkysmell.com

www.jtru.com

Next week, I will have a special post with more pictures. Some of you who have been crawling around these parts for awhile may remember the infamous Hello Kitty band aid covering the nips post. I had to remove the photo due to the spike in Eastern European pervs descending on this site. It was giving me the willys. At risk of attracting this audience again, there has been another siting of the headless Hello Kitty runner!

Thus completes a New Year’s resolution…to post five days in a row. Next up? To not post at all for a month.

Have a wonderful weekend. Here’s to wishing dry roads for the northern states and Canada and a great big ole snow storm for the west coast and southern states on your weekend long run. It’s about time you ran a few miles dressed like an Eskimo.

Happy trails.

Randumbery Hates Mascots

After two product posts, I figured I should at least let you ease into the weekend with a lame Randumbery.   This is a real half-ass one too.  I’m on vacation next week! 

You’ve all probably seen this by now:

That’s Mahiedine Makhissi-Benabbad, French Olympian, and the 3000 meter steeplechase champion winning then assaulting a 14 year old girl in mascot outfit that looks like a pack of paper towels.  What’s my reaction to this?

Awesome!  There simply needs to be more assaults and violence in running competitions.  It’d really spice things up.  I’d like to see what Ryan “Razor Elbows” Hall could do to Meb the Calf Mangler over the course of 26.2 miles besides, you know, the running.  Seriously, did we care anything about the European Championship 3000 meter steeplechase until Benabbad started knocking over teenage girls dressed as paper towels?  What we owe the man is a "Thank You".  Thanks for bringing the sport into the spotlight!

And who likes a mascot anyway?*  They are as useless as a cheerleader.  We have a local green guy, Sparty, that annoys everyone around here.  Until the age of ten, my kids thought he was a felon and were slightly afraid of him, thanks to a few well placed comments whispered into their tender little brains from yours truly.  I’d love to see Benabbad meet up with him after a race.

Chi-Town Yo-Yo

It’s vacation week for the Nitmos clan.  And when we vacation, we do it right!  That means, lots of time in the car and driving back and forth to Chicago every weekend!  What could be better?  That’s how you all vacation, right?

We start out in northern Michigan.  Then, a trip to the Windy City after, followed by a return to Up North, Michigan for lakes and boats, followed by a return to Chicago again next weekend for a Chicago Fire** game.  The second Chicago excursion was a late booking as the kids’ soccer club arranged a play date with the team.  There will be tailgating, on field scrimmages and ball boy assistance.  By game time, I should be all lit up and ready for a full scale European-style  BRAWL!!  I’m going to find the nearest mascot…

Speaking of soccer, both of the kids re-made their premier teams for the coming season.  I know you were concerned and all.  You can look forward to another year’s worth of photos!  By the way, soccer season actually begins again in t-minus 10 days…..

What Training Plan?

It just dawned on me that I’m about 17 weeks away from the NYC Marathon.  I don’t have a training plan written and you know what?  I’m not going to write one.  Like most of my running these days, I’m going to just go with feel on this one.  I haven’t written any plan down in over two years and things have worked out.  What could possibly go wrong?

Although I keep forgetting about the Dances with Dirt trail run in September.  Someone better tell me my leg assignments soon.   I’m highly allergic to poison ivy and I hear there is lots of it on the trail.  I’m sure it will work out…what could possibly go wrong?

Here’s to hoping there’s a giant green three leaf mascot named "Ivy" at the finish.  I’d love to go all Benabbad over its ass.

If you’ve run more than five marathons, do you still write out a training plan??

Happy trails. 

* While FMS does not officially endorse mascot abuse, for legal reasons, it is unofficially encouraged and monetarily rewarded in the most hypothetical, legal way possible.

**I know, it’s the MLS but that’s the best we got around here.

Randumbery VIII

I used to run this semi regular feature called "Randumbness" about, as you would guess, various random and dumb things going on. It was a nice page filler. You thought you were getting actual carefully constructed content. Instead, you were getting fluff, filler, time wasters. I'm not saying this to foreshadow this post. I'm just saying the post title is Randumbery and if you can put 2 and 2 together....well, we'll both be pleasantly surprised at your cognitive skills.

Banned On The Run

…Now with 96% Less Handsome!

There is a new Banned On The Run podcast. Go there and hear it now. Do that and you can be just like me! (i.e. Bewildered, confused and wondering what the hell happened…followed by feelings of shame and regret. In other words, like a typical Friday evening with Mickey’s malt liquor.) One thing you won’t hear is me. I took my handsome and didn’t phone in with it. I was too busy using my handsome powers to battle global warming.*

Though I’m not there, the other three do a great job of being….present. I’ve always felt their strongest attribute is attendance. Go hear their attendance! I believe the subject of running is even broached haphazardly on one or two occasions. Matt has promised a $20 gift card for the winner of the podcast contest.

Still thrivin’

Like many others, I also received a free thriv shirt in the mail. I had every intention of writing them a nice review. But then I see that every Tom, Dick, and Ian got one and already wrote a review so, really, what’s the point? However, since they gave me a free shirt, I’m going to at least mention them and link to their site. I might even do it twice.

Here’s a nutshell review. Generally, the first quality I look for in a running shirt isn’t bamboo. That’s what I look for as a torture device when presented with the hands and fingernails of prisoners. ** So, trying to sell me on BAMBOO IN YOUR RUNNING SHIRT! wasn’t as eye grabbing as Marketer McAdman probably originally envisioned. My nipples, upon hearing this proclamation, pulled a full turtle and tried to force a concave areola situation.

However, the shirt is soft. Like obscenely soft. Like I’m-pretty-sure-I-committed-a-sin-with-it soft. Mmmm, soft as a….oops, sorry, I prematurely metaphored.

In sum, it was a cool shirt. Comfortable. Nice to run in. My nipples came out of their shell. However, I’m a big time sweater. If I was a huge fat guy, I’d be the type that sweats when I eat. I already sweat eating Sweettarts. The shirt absorbed the sweat but didn’t really wick it away. So, a few minutes into the run, I have a large ole sweat stain in the middle of my chest. No big deal to me but those that like their sweat to fly off onto the pavement – or person – behind you, you may be outta luck.

Well, there, I guess I did review it after all.

Looking Ahead

Future races! No Boston? No problem. Marathons are like opinions.*** There’s no trouble filling up my dance card. The endless possibilities for 2010 are doing the ‘white man weeble’ inside my head. Bayshore Marathon in May? Yes, please. Perhaps this is the year I do the Dances with Dirt 50k? How about a return trip to Chicago, my favorite city, in October? A runner with a blank calendar and a race schedule is a dangerous thing.

If you are a race and desperately want a special appearance from Nitmos, better get your request in now!

Suck it!

Seriously with the vampire movies. They suck. And they don’t suck blood.****

The Refattening

Usually, this is the time of the year when I begin to rebuild my Cheeto Layer. Halloween always kicks off the cold weather refattening. But, oddly enough, I’m actually in peak running shape right now…with no race on the schedule. Go figure. You’d think 45 mini sized Butterfingers in two weeks would add a pound or two…

* It’s working!
** My weekend volunteer work.
*** Which are like assholes.
**** You need this footnote? They suck ass, okay?

Randumbery II

I used to run this semi regular feature called "Randumbness" about, as you would guess, various random and dumb things going on. It was a nice page filler. You thought you were getting actual carefully constructed content. Instead, you were getting fluff, filler, time wasters. I'm not saying this to foreshadow this post. I'm just saying the post title is Randumbery and if you can put 2 and 2 together....well, we'll both be pleasantly surprised at your cognitive skills.

The End of the Great Running Skirt Debate

By now, you’ve seen the article in Runner’s World and you’ve heard the rumblings across blogland about the running skirt that has been seen hanging from the midsection of (mostly) female runners. Unbeknownst to me, there was apparently some issue as to whether wearing a running “skirt” meant you were a serious runner looking for extra comfort and style OR a prissy little show pony trying to turn the sport into a fashion show.

Is it okay that I call an end to this “debate” now?

Look, the important thing is that the hemline is no more than 4 inches for women. Shorts. Skirt. Fig leaf. A Beef Jerky belt with a piece of paper towel folded over it. Whatever.

I’m a big fan of women wearing running skirts. Or running string bikinis. Or running fishnet stockings with running stilettos.* Sheesh, let’s move on already.

I don’t think I’m being sexist. I think I already mentioned my desire to wear my thong, thick gold chain, cowboy hat and spray on tan in a future race. I’m an equal opportunity offender. I feel the more everyone sees of me is probably best for everyone. Likewise, the more I see of the ladies is best for me. See? Equal!

And, on this, I know Mrs. Nitmos agrees (despite the fact that she describes my posterior as “concave”.)

That’s an end to the debate. Here’s an emphatic, brightly colored period to prove it. .!

More Things That Annoy Me

You may have noticed an upswing lately in bugs getting stuck in my crawl. Usually, it’s people who annoy me. Lately, it’s been animals, plants, or things. Inanimate objects have really been pissing me off lately….sittin’ there being all inanimatey with that smarmy look. I don’t like to equivocate here at F.M.S. so I take sides on irrelevant issues. Let’s review. Here’s a list of 7 people, places or things topping my Annoy-o-meter these days:

1) Dolphins vs. Whales? I picked whales a long time ago and have been enjoying tuna ever since.

2) Oak vs. Elm? If you saw my last post, you know I’m an Elmhead. As NWGDC pointed out, the ash bore is just a temporary set back. Elm will prevail in the end.

3) The Constitution vs. The Declaration of Independence? Give me the D.o.I. baby. Holla!

4) Peter, Paul or Mary? They count as inanimate. Paul rocks out a sweet beard. How can you deny it?

5) Sofa vs. Couch? Sofa! Who wants to sit on something called a “couch”? A couch should be redefined as a cut you receive that really hurts. A cut-ouch or “couch”.

6) List makers vs. Non-list makers. I’m a list maker and, thus, far superior to you non-Listy’s. Though I can’t stand the Listy’s that don’t bother to finish their lists. Jerks.

I could go on and on. The point is that dolphins, oak, The Constitution**, Peter, Mary, the couch, and non-Listy’s can all fall into a deep well for all I care.

If there’s anything that pisses you off, I’d like to hear it because I’m looking for new things to take issue with.

I’m going to lie down now. That was a real strain.

I should say I’m sorry for this post but I’m pretty sure you don’t deserve that.

Happy trails.

* Also called the Running Hooker ensemble available at most runner speciality shops nationwide.
** Does this make me unpatriotic? I do wear a flag lapel pin though.
_______________________________________

A couple quick 800's last night. Still deciding whether or not to jump into another 5k this weekend.

Total effort:

5.0 miles
32:28 time
6:30 mile/pace

3x800: 2:38, 2:43, 2:43.

Randumbery Finds Koalas, Chlamydia

I used to run this semi regular feature called "Randumbness" about, as you would guess, various random and dumb things going on. It was nice page filler. You thought you were getting actual carefully constructed content. Instead, you were getting fluff, filler, time wasters. I'm not saying this to foreshadow this post. I'm just saying the post title is Randumbery and if you can put 2 and 2 together....well, we'll both be pleasantly surprised at your cognitive skills.

Sorry, I don’t have a cute little alliterative title for this sporadically regular feature. No “Monday Musings”, “Try It Tuesday”, “Wordless Wednesday”, “Three Things Thursday” or “Friday Funnies”. Nothing. Deal with it. There’s just a simple little clever play on words in there between random, dumb, and ran (this is a running blog, get it?) That’s all you get. I don’t do alliteration.

Khlamydia Koalas

Aww, look at this little guy. If you are like me, don’t you just want to give it an STD?

In what has to be my favorite headline of the year, AOL’s Huffington Post declares “Chlamydia and Climate Change Killing Koalas”.* Um, ‘scuse me, what was that before ‘climate change’??

Apparently, Australia’s cute little mascot, the koala, is being decimated by this common STD. Folks, I know, they are cute. And who doesn’t like a little exotic marsupial action from time to time? I’m no prude – whatever floats your boat – but, c’mon, you can’t wrap it up first? I know I haven’t been to Australia any time recently so don’t blame me. (Fingers crossed that this doesn’t occur in the U.S. llama population as then I might have some ‘splaining to do.) Has anyone seen RazZ lately?

Unless we are comfortable with this iconic animal listed in the Great Book of Extinction under the cause “venereal disease”, let’s think a bit and follow the simple rule: Wrap before you tap. Have a heart and save some of that kwuality koala tail for the rest of us.

NYQ News

My new favorite letters are N-Y-Q: New York Qualified! This has replaced ‘BQ’ as my favorite type of ‘Qualified’ qualifier. Everyone knows about the New York Marathon’s lottery system due to the outrageous number of entrant applications it gets each year. In a nutshell, you can apply each year in a row and are guaranteed entry by the fourth year if you were not randomly selected in a preceding year.

That sounded like a lot of work and, potentially, trip planning for trips that would never occur. So, I never applied. And then someone tipped me off that there is a back door way to get in the race. And since I’m a back door kinda guy…er, never mind. Apparently, NY has a qualifying time standard for guaranteed entry. If I read it correctly – and I’ve read both Moby Dick and Don Quixote – it means that you can bypass the lottery and head right to the front of the line.

And look at that, the time standard for a 40 year old male is 1:30 or below for a half-marathon. I just ran a 1:26+. I guess this makes me…NYQ’ed! Good thing I just turned 40 too because that 1:23 qualifying time for a 39 year old would have been a difficult task. Hooray for Masters leniency!

Now, let’s hope they don’t go changing the requirements ala Boston…

Soccer Saturday

Finally, soccer season is over for both kids. EXCEPT, this weekend is tryouts for next year! (It never ends.) Here’s my colt defending with his left foot while playing, wait for it, left defender for his premier team. Yes, his feet really are that huge. That’s not an illusion caused by the orange shoes. Good luck at tryouts, colt!

And here’s my filly getting last minute instructions from her swashbuckling, debonair coach who wears the hell out of those sensibly-priced Sears St. Johns Bay shorts. Since last September, she’s scored 35 goals in…35 games and is now busy trying to convince Coach St. John’s Bay that she’s ready to move on and play in a tougher league not coached by people wearing St. Johns Bay cargo shorts. We’ll see. It’s 50/50 if we’ll let her do it….much to decide at this weekend’s tryouts. Good luck, filly!

Happy Hrails!

*Or, in runner blogland, I guess that would be “Khlamydia and Klimate Khange Killing Koalas”