Friday, June 19, 2009

Randumbery VI: Home of The Original

I used to run this semi regular feature called "Randumbness" about, as you would guess, various random and dumb things going on. It was a nice page filler. You thought you were getting actual carefully constructed content. Instead, you were getting fluff, filler, time wasters. I'm not saying this to foreshadow this post. I'm just saying the post title is Randumbery and if you can put 2 and 2 together....well, we'll both be pleasantly surprised at your cognitive skills.

First, there is no substitute for The Original Randumbery. After the Indiana Jones movies came out, did anyone really need the Allan Quartermain series? Does anyone remember the Allan Quartermain films? There were two. They made a sequel. So, the recent Half-Fast v. Feet Meet Street hubbub started when Vanilla attempted to Quartermain me with his Rundum Thoughts post. Everyone knows I have the market cornered on semi-regular random thoughts posts through-out the entire world wide web. Let’s face it, it’s such a unique concept that no one could possibly have come up with it on their own. I believe that thunderbolt hit me while I was crafting a race report in mile by mile breakdowns in my entirely original way that I do. Little did I know then that I’d be Quartermained in both my race report structure AND random thought posts.

On with the show…

Racevine

There is a new runner friendly website in town. You may have heard about it already. If you have, then it appears I’ve been pre-Quartermained and I’ll be contacting my attorneys. It’s called Racevine…and you should be humming along with Marvin Gaye “I heard it though the racevine.” This site is designed to be a one stop spot to learn about details of your next race. It features reviews from folks who have participated in the race. You’ll no doubt discover a few secrets that the official race web sites really didn’t want you to know about their race. (i.e. This course is a lot harder than they let on. And the person who handed me the medal gave me the stink eye.) You can – and should – post your own race reviews as well so others may learn from your failure experience. It’s easy to navigate and you can annoy others by constantly singing that you “heard it through the racevine.” Catchy, right?

Thanks but…

Believe it or not, I’m usually quite pleasant and polite to strangers. I even feel vicarious embarrassment when I see someone else do something embarrassing. Rarely, for example, would I clap for the person who dropped their tray breaking all of the plates in a cafeteria. I always avert my head to laugh when one of my filly’s teammates swing the t-ball bat so hard that they wrap themselves around slugging themselves in the back of the head. And mall fatties? Sure, I might think ‘do you really need to double fist those Peanut Butter Parfaits’ but I never say it. I do all of the laughing behind these people’s backs (and on this blog) which, I think, somehow makes me a better person.

But I was challenged the other day. My colt was practicing his pitching. I was catching. This takes place on our front sidewalk. He overthrew one that got behind me and bounded away down the concrete coming to a rest in the direction of an approaching runner. Of course, I was hoping the runner would stop, pick it up and throw it back (something I sure as hell wouldn’t do; pace killer!) so I took a few of those obviously stilted and slow strides in the direction of the ball to try to entice him to get it. He did. Nice guy. I smiled, held open my glove, and waited. He took a few steps and then...kept walking towards me. Awk-ward. Hand delivering the baseball? That’s a little too personal for my tastes, no thanks. He probably sensed my heebie-jeebies. Maybe by the downturn cringing frown that spread across my face as if I just watched a family dog get run over by a tow truck. Then, he stopped, looked at the ball, and chucked it. He was no more than 20 feet away, a completely manageable throw for a full grown adult human male.

I have never seen a ball thrown more poorly. His arm kinda hitched mid-throw and it took off roughly 15 feet into the air over my head and into a tree. It rattled and bounced against the tree limbs like it was making its way down the Price is Right Plinko board. Oh, I tried to catch it. I could already feel my face getting red due to his embarrassment. I followed the ball as it bounced back and forth trying to line myself up to where I thought it would come out.

Thud.

It hit the ground again about halfway between me and him. Even through his sun glasses, I could see and feel his humiliation. I wanted to say “Sorry” and “Better luck next time” or “Half way is better than nothing” but instead, I croaked out a “Well, thanks. Appreciate the help.” He stammered and muttered something about ‘no problem’ but we both knew that was a lie. Clearly, it was a problem.

As he resumed his run, I turned to throw the ball back to my colt with a huge grin on my face. This was too funny not to laugh out loud. I returned to my catcher’s crouch and watched him run off at right angle surprised he was getting the whole left, right, left, right thing down with his legs without tripping.

Banned

I’m not going to spill the details but we’ve been busy recording another podcast. If you don’t know who I mean by “we”, you must be a new reader. I’ll leave it to you to rummage through my archives to find out who constitutes a “we.” Besides, there’s some good shit in there and you should do it anyway (careful, there's few posts describing fruit falling from my anus. Fair warning.) Some of you will no doubt be expecting me to call one of the participants Mr. Quartermain but I will refrain. It’s been awhile. More details to come.

And that, my friends, is how Randumbery is actually done. In novella form.

Have a great weekend!
_________________________________
A one mile 5k training time trial and 8 mile "long run" (or is that a medium run?) on tap for me this weekend. Keep working hard. It's racing season!

14 comments:

Jamoosh said...

I must say I honestly did not know there was a sequel to the Allan Quartermain film. I can only guess we hope Vanilla doesn't follow suit...

RazZDoodle said...

all that's missing from this post are bullet points.

Vanilla said...

That runner was like "Smalls" from the movie The Sandlot.

The tough thing about being the first to market with a product or post is that it leaves room for someone (me) to come in with a 'new and improved' version.

Al's CL Reviews said...

Thank God the poor baseball runner was a guy. Else, I'd think you were talking about me!

Roisin said...

Goodness...I think I can even throw better than that, and I have the arm strength of a two-year old.

John at Hella Sound said...

Racevine *is* awesome, and I'm stoked that they're including more shorter races for those of us who can't bust out a marathon at a moment's notice.

To my credit, I don't remember the Quartermain movies, but I do recall The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, which included Sean Connery as Alan Quartermain--complete with bullet-proof toupée. Good times.

Xenia said...

Dude, why you gotta steal my archaeology references? You're infringing on my territory now.

This is war.

Marlene said...

Ohhh... that's awkward!

I've had a stray soccer ball during a kids' practice land in my vicinity during a track run and didn't quite know how to deal with it. I can throw a soft ball, but I can't kick a soccer ball to save my life.

Besides, those little kids could use the extra exercise running acorss the field to pick it up!

Viper said...

Actually, Allen Quartermanin predates Indiana Jones. King Solomon's Mines was a remake (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0042646/).

Mike said...

You showed admirable restraint, but the proper response for such a situation is, "Dude, you throw like Mariah Carey."

tfh said...

I have the same thing when it comes to vicarious embarrassment. It's seriously a curse-- really takes the joy out of most good comedy.

X-Country2 said...

Oh, that story made me embarassed from all the way over here. I totally thought, "this guy is going to throw like a girl" before I even got to that part of the story. Poor guy.

Rural Runner E said...

LMAO - I coach a 6 year old baseball team and often see full-grown adult males who cannot play catch with their kids......but, I avert my eyes as well and feel a bit sorry for them. Loved the post, first time I have visited.

theloosemoose said...

That poor schmuck. Let's out him on Racevine as the "Runner with the Worst Aim Ever". He'll be banned from all races because his aim is so poor he might actually get his cups in the garbage can at the water stops, leaving nothing for the poor race volunteers to do. What a loser.