Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Cheeto Layer

I recently had a birthday and, while running that evening, I experienced a few revelations that I’ll share with you for no other reason than I can. And you know you want it.

It dawned on me that, since I’ll be running Boston next year just after my 39th birthday, if I want to qualify again I’ll only need to meet the 40+ year old age standard. All future attempts to meet the Boston qualifying time will be against sub 3:21 instead of sub 3:16. Yay for five extra minutes to slack off! This certainly balances the coming need for Viagra (double entendre!)

Then the next thing that occurred to me is that I can’t seem to shake the 5 pounds of winter blubber I picked up while ass massaging the couch over the last few months. I can feel it jiggling around when running. It’s like I’m perpetually stuck in the late first trimester of my man pregnancy. I’m pretty sure though that, if my abdomen was sliced open, a cute little under developed Nitmos Jr. wouldn’t come tumbling out. Based on my diet, I’d expect it to be some Cheetos. And possibly a few stale farts.* Normally, I develop a manageable winter Cheeto Layer for extra warmth but this particularly one is being a little persnickety about leaving. And it’s not too happy about those 12 plus mile training runs either.

And then I was thinking about this weird Age-Race Goal Paradox I seem to suffer. The older I get, the lower I seem to set my race time goals. Now I’m not exactly an old man but I’m no spring chicken either. If I was Michael Jackson’s music career, I’d be in the post-Thriller Bad years. I’m still looking to set new PR’s in all distances but I realize, at some point in the future, this will probably be unrealistic. Setting lower race goals will be Dangerous and, eventually, HIStory. I’m not Invincible.

The final thing I realized is that I really hate talking on the telephone. Everybody wants to call and chat with you on your birthday. I hate that. I spent three years as a customer service rep for a major American automobile manufacturer where, every time the phone rang, I knew that I was just about to have an argument. It’s led to a Pavlovian response to a ringing telephone that has never quite gone away. The birthday well wishers are unintentionally triggering annoyance and a snarling of my lip with every call. Happy f*%$ing birthday to me.

Flying Pig Marathon training is progressing at Cheeto Layer pace. Two 20 milers in the weeks ahead.

Sunday:

18.5 miles
2:15:31 time
7:20 pace


Each 6 mile segment got progressively faster. Negative splits!

* I think my couch opened an OHSA case against me, by the way.
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Five Peas in a Pod

Edit 3/20/09: Nothing to see - or hear - here. Instead, let me tell you about things I like:

Puppy dogs, rainbows, balloons, clouds, lollipops, daffodils, full length skirts, unicorns, lederhosen, cotton candy, pastel colors, sensible slacks, trampolines, parades, Steel Magnolias, things that rhyme with "run", giggling babies, cinnamon, ranch houses, Nickelback, twice yearly dental appointments, bunnies sitting in an Easter basket and sentences ending in prepositions. Of.

That is all. Go about your business.
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There is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m getting glimpses of my True Self. My sabbatical is approaching an end though I’m not quite there yet. In the meantime, I hope to have a special guest post from someone running the Boston Marathon next month in the days ahead. He better not leave me hanging now. It’s advertised.

30 comments:

Marcy said...

So basically you're an old male Britney Spears? She birthed 2 Cheetos and all. Nice!

Xenia said...

LOL at Marcy! If it makes you feel better, I'm carrying around 10 lbs of chocolate chip cookies on my person that apparently don't want to be birthed any time soon. Pregnancy's a bitch.

RazZDoodle said...

You're such a girl.

Lily on the Road said...

and here I was going to burst into song and give you my Happy Birthday rendition, oh never mind, Marilyn already did it years ago....

oh and while you continue ass massaging the couch with middle age is creeping up, good luck with your training for the Flying Pig! LOL

Mike said...

If it's any consolation, it's better to be fast and then slow down than to be like me, slow and getting slower.

Spike said...

yeah, your couch came into my office seeking legal representation. I explained that it was a couch, and that it was meant to have deadly gas forced into its fabric and cushioning. it did not appreciate my legal counsel, so I farted on it. happy birthday you old fart!

Chad in the AZ Desert said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chad in the AZ Desert said...

Marcy said: "So basically you're an old male Britney Spears? She birthed 2 Cheetos and all. Nice!"
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LOL! Awesome!

tfh said...

Darn, I can't find your phone number anywhere on this page.

I wanted to call and wish you a belated happy birthday. (And ask if I could borrow your flabby old man pace for my marathon.)

David said...

Regarding the five pounds - welcome to old guy-ness. It will go away, but only if cheetos (and all other food for which the ugliness of nutritional information is inversely proportional to how badly you want to consume buckets of said food) also go away.

Regarding times - my times are getting faster every day, but only because I didn't run for 20 years (being consumed by kids, careers, advanced degrees, cheeto consumption), and I'm still amazed that I can run faster than the fat kids at the track. (Their fault - they shouldn't eat cheetos).


My old guy personal philosophy may be helpful: old age can suck it.

jen said...

Happy Belated Birthday! For the record, I would have just text messaged you. Good luck getting faster and losing your cheeto baby!

I'll check out that podcast. Love J Money!

Cindy said...

happy belated birthday, old man! keep going for the pr's.

Jessica said...

Nice time on the 18 miler! That is great. I have a 20 I am dreading this weekend to get ready for Boston. Your cheetos layer is my wine consumption. Ugh!

Viper said...

Jim Jones had the look!

Marlene said...

I'm carrying around 5 to 10 lbs of ALL KINDS OF SH*T form the last couple months. I hate blubber.

Yay for 5 more minutes on your qualifying time... I think.

Melissa said...

We must be soulmates. I HATE talking on the phone. I LOVE Cheetos.

I have, however, lost 7 pounds in the last month. So there.

Ms. V. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

the coming need for Viagra (double entendre!)

Wait. There's a second way to read this other than as a reference to a porno money-shot?

Next you'll be telling me there's a second way to read "Cheeto Layer" other than as an admission that you've been f*cking the Nation's Cheetos, which, by the way, makes me glad I don't eat Cheetos and yes by that I mean I don't give them oral sex.

Vava said...

Nice running, and Happy Birthday. I love the use of "that though" in your prose. A standard that defies age categories.

X-Country2 said...

I'd wish you a happy birthday, but I don't want to get yelled at. :o)

joyRuN said...

Love Cheetos. I thought you were going to make a reference to the rank farts that those bright orange curls cause the body to produce, but you didn't.

I'm disappointed in you.

So with that in mind, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Tall Girl Running said...

I found myself licking my fingers while reading this post. And then you mentioned cheetos.

Happy f*%$ing birthday to ya.

Jess said...

really....still on sabbatical...realllly???

Happy birthday!

sRod said...

I was expecting a metaphor to an orange reflective vest that you have started to wear on night runs during the winter and how it has now been fully integrated into your running wardrobe.

Apparently my imagination got too far.

aron said...

happy belated birthday :) glad marathon training is going well and cant wait until you are back for good!

Roisin said...

I hate the phones and customers too. This is unfortunate since I work in Customer Service. Asshats.

Well, happy belated birthday anyway :)

Michelle said...

Hi Nitmos!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY To an almost old man runner!!!

I don't know why I never read your blog before. It is very funny and entertaining.

Plus I like the ass massaging the couch reference. I've been doing that for the last 9 weeks. Long story. Broken toe.

http://runningdowndreams.wordpress.com/

Velma said...

Happy Birthday - it seems you are getting a little older complaining about your weight like a girl. Get out there and run it off.

Looking forward to the guest blogger.

Scott said...

Dude I can't shake the winter weight either... Wtf?

Ms. V. said...

Way to be vague!