Friday, April 15, 2011

Randumbery Goes Arm Pit Digging

I used to run this semi regular feature called "Randumbness" about, as you would guess, various random and dumb things going on. It was a nice page filler. You thought you were getting actual carefully constructed content. Instead, you were getting fluff, filler, time wasters. I'm not saying this to foreshadow this post. I'm just saying the post title is Randumbery and if you can put 2 and 2 together....well, we'll both be pleasantly surprised at your cognitive skills.

It just feels like a Randumbery kinda day doesn't it? In the 80’s – ‘member those? - there was a weird series of subversive movies making the rounds called Faces of Death. It spawned several sequels. It was really inappropriate, as I say to my kids now, but at the time we could feel our teenage rebellious innards embiggen with every knock of the mallet on the monkeys skull and every mouthful of brain a diner eagerly gulped down. Monkey brains, a delicacy in some parts of the world! It was one of the scenes, one of the more subdued scenes in fact, in the Faces of Death “films”. But you had to be in the mood to sit through it….much like sitting through Randumbery. I’ve decided for you that you’re in the mood.

Your Pancreas Looks Fat

As the owner of a daughter, I’ve become more aware of the societal pressures on female body image. It struck me in the face the day my then seven year old filly lifted up her shirt to show her rail-thin, rib cage exposed, near starvation level stomach and pronounced “I think I’m getting fat.” After I picked my lower jaw off the floor, I then launched into a series fawning compliments about how perfect she is and how she could eat at buffets for the next two years and no one would notice and that, though her belly button area could lose a millimeter or two, let's be honest, her stomach was perfect size - overall (almost no one will notice the millimeter or two) – for someone her age. Some of that may or may not be true but I’m sure I acted like a real buffoon with all of the over-exaggerated, self-esteem building compliments to combat the spector of anorexia looming behind her.

She looked at me like I was on crack. I eyed my fourth fudge stripe cookie suspiciously and put it away.

I think Stephen Colbert’s recent “The Word” summed things up pretty good. It’s well worth five minutes of your time. Pure genius comedy. Love this:

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Word - Buy and Cellulite

Colbert Report Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire BlogVideo Archive

How Quickly You Metabolize Quizno’s

The 115th Boston Marathon is Monday. There’s part of me that wants to be there and part of me that’s glad I’m not. I sure as hell didn’t want to have to train through this gawdawful winter. One of my favorite memories of the 2008 Boston Marathon was learning just how quickly my body could take in a solid food through the mouth, process it, and then spray it out my anus in pure liquid form. Total time? About twenty minutes. Long –time readers will recall my unfortunate choice to eat a taco from an airport taco stand in Washington D.C. while awaiting the connection to Boston.

Bad decision. I couldn’t hold anything in for two days. I walked around Boston with an eye towards each restroom as my body continually rejected food. After 48 hours, I figured the bug must have passed so I gambled and ate a few big bites of a Quizno’s sub. Then I ate another. Then I turned slightly green. Then I thought I was Paul McCartney for four minutes. Mrs. Nitmos asked how I was doing and I said “Let it be, let it be.” After a few minutes of gently sobbing with my face in my palms, I headed into the Quizno’s bathroom and sprayed down their stall like a fireman putting out a porcelain fire.

Maybe I was still sick. Or maybe Quizno’s is the perfect laxative.

Hella Sounds

Our good blog friend John Frenette from HellaSound has new music available. It’s original running music synced to YOUR pace and designed to burn calories. Have you checked it out? He has several songs in his catalog as well as a free song that you can check out to see what it is all about (according to his email blast).

John so graciously provided the intro music for our upstart podcast, Banned on the Run (currently experiencing production delays, cost overruns, rewrites, rehab, and general apathy), at no charge. How did we repay him for his time? By using it 2-3 times and then not podcasting anymore. Since none of the BotR crew are going to pay him for his time, the least YOU could do is buy a song or two from the guy. Go there.

Going Down

Yesterday’s race pace eight miler was accomplished at 6:43 pace. That’s better than last week’s 6:47 pace but the destination is 6:35 pace. I need to go down more (t.w.s.s.)

I’ll be at six – that’s 6 – soccer games this weekend for the kids. Who would have thought standing on the sidelines eating popcorn, chatting with other parents, and shouting “You gotta want it!” with popcorn shards spitting out of my mouth could be so exhausting? I don’t know why the kids are complaining.

Happy trails.


Sun Runner said...

I love me some Colbert. This bit is priceless, and not only because Colbert loses it.

I tried to watch a Faces of Death-style movie once. 20 minutes in, after the footage of the guy who suffered a tragic elevator-related incident, I turned to my boyfriend and said, "I can't watch this any more."

I'm with you on not loving the winter training. I'm glad all I have to do this spring is a half marathon. I can skip a weekend "long" run for a half marathon training plan with much less guilt.

Jill said...

You're going to have a lot of fun when that daughter gets a wee-bit older - I'll be looking forward to those posts.

I'm guessing Boston '08 was a total blast! You know how to have all the fun. As I sit here in heel agony, I'm not gonna say I'm not wishing I were in Boston again this year, but it's not eating at me like I thought it might.

Happy weekend!

Danielle in Iowa in Seattle said...

Make sure you get some popcorn stuck in your teeth for when you get hungry later.

Viper said...

You should have had an Auntie Anne's Pretzel Dog. Nothing sets in your stomach for the long haul better than a hot dog wrapped in buttery pretzel dough. MMmm ... that's good eatin'!

Charlotte said...

This Stephen Colbert has got to be one of the funniest things I've watched all month! The ice cream in the pits and the model just smiling through it all... awesome.

Anonymous said...

Well so far I haven't heard one of my 3 girls say that, but they are homeschooled so they don't really have the pressure that I did growing up. As an adult woman i still have issues about how I look, I know how flipping sad right?

Winter training? NEVER AGAIN! ARggg!!

Andrea said...

It's hard to be a woman.... So it must be impossible to be a man.

Ainsley Drew said...

Did the kids win, Nitmos? I hope so. I hope they were as victorious as a Quiznos and taco tag-team was over your bowels.

Thought of you in LA this week...when I went...RUNNING (on a treadmill) three times. 12K or some shit in total. By the last one I was spraying sweat, disturbing the juice heads, and attracting the attention of several future porn stars, which - of course - was my goal. Thanks for the inspiration.

And teach your daughter to say, "Fuck off, misogynistic body image paradigm." It might help fend off the inevitable temptation of an eating disorder. Of course, so would throwing a tarp over her until she turns 25.