Friday, November 18, 2011

Randumbery Reads the Fine Print

I used to run this semi regular feature called "Randumbness" about, as you would guess, various random and dumb things going on. It was nice page filler. You thought you were getting actual carefully constructed content. Instead, you were getting fluff, filler, time wasters. I'm not saying this to foreshadow this post. I'm just saying the post title is Randumbery and if you can put 2 and 2 together....well, we'll both be pleasantly surprised at your cognitive skills.


Remember how I got all indignant like two posts ago because my automatic qualification for the 2012 NYC Marathon was yanked right from under me by newly revised time standards? Remember how I whined, went all ethnocentric, and made up a new, slightly blasphemous character named Jesus H. Beardsley and then put him on a Popsicle stick?

Welp, it turns out that one of my anonymous readers is a more diligent reader than I. I was so focused on the new chart showing age/time standards for automatic entry into New York going forward that I didn’t bother to read the fine print. Underneath the chart announcing the time standard for a 40 year old shifting from 1:30 to 1:23 for a half marathon qualifier, it says:

Because the 2012 race qualifying period is already open, this new policy will take effect beginning with the 2013 race.

You know what that means right? NYQ! NYQ! NYQ! In other words, I don’t have to put my name into a lottery like some unwashed commoner. Nitmos deserves his special treatment and it appears that New York also desires to massage his shoulders and give him a manny/peddy!

Now, I need to be quick on the draw once the registration opens – usually not a problem for me. Have you booked your room yet? I have…just in case. I want to be as close as possible to those high class New York hookers.*

Speak of the Devil

Dick Beardsley was in my nape of the woods…neck of the wape…he was here the other day. The guy keeps coming by my local running store…which is only about 2 miles from my house. Yeah, he’s a bit of a creeper. Probably drives a panel van.

Actually, I saw him speak two years ago – you can find that little write-up here – and he was a fascinating speaker. If he’s in your area, don’t be afraid to go and give him a listen. Very entertaining. If you were ever wary of threshers before, you’ll be downright scairt after.

I couldn’t go this time, restraining orders being what they are and all. Besides, at this point, there’s really nothing more left to say. It’s long past time for Duel in the Sun II: Tears of Beardsley**.

Health Scare

It’s time to sign up for health insurance again through my company! This is annually one of my favorite times of the year. It’s always clever how those wacky insurance carriers find new and incredibly deceptive ways to hide their decreased coverage and increased costs. It’s like a little demented game…find the new loophole that’ll screw you if you’re not careful!

I’m not Viperian frugal but I like to save a buck as much as the next Viper. Thus I try to find that perfect balance between decent coverage and cheapest out of pocket costs. What results, typically, is partial coverage. Case in point: Mrs. Nitmos wears glasses (or contacts). She’s a candidate for Lasik. But my carrier will only cover half the costs of Lasik. Well, I’m not a rich heartless banker, like Ian, so I can only pay so much. We compromised: She had one eye Lasiked but not the other. There is no need for glasses in one eye now – and I’m not going to pay for something unneeded – so now she wears a monocle. You’d be surprised how cheap you can buy a monocle. A lot of time, it comes with a free Charlie McCarthy doll.

Compromise! It’s what the Nitmos family does…

And that’s Randumbery for today, folks. Hey, here’s a completely unnecessary photo of my colt schooling some poor bow-legged kid. Left defender, away!Happy trails.

*The kind with less herpes.
**I’m still writing it but waiting for the obvious conclusion to unfold. I’ve already gotten some interest from a publishing house. When I sent off my draft, one house replied, “This is the least interesting sequel in the history of sequels. We’d be more interested in a book about a snake slowly ingesting a panda for 300 pages. Might have broader appeal”, which, I think, is pretty promising because who wouldn’t read a snake/panda book?


Viper said...

One step down the slippery slope of the cheapskate rabbit hole. You'll be trading in your running shoes for corn husks in no time. Cheers!

Jamoosh said...

Shouldn't there be a NYQ badge on your blog already?

Word Verification = nosocor. I can only assume the Nosocor was a minor deity banished to earth with horns for ears. Beware the wrath of Nosocor.

Katie said...

This cracks me up. Thanks for a Friday laugh!

Ironman By Thirty said...

The colt sure seems to have the moves. Glad to see at least one member of the Nitmos household has some talent.

Elizabeth said...

I need to get glasses. I am liking your idea of getting a monocle rather than a full set in order to save money. I wonder if your new best friend, Margaritaville, offers monocle sunglasses?