Thursday, May 17, 2012

Randumbery Assembles An Ass Line-Up

There are a lot of weird things going on lately.  It must be an election year.  Let’s get right into our random listing of dumb things….lovingly called Randumbery.

Have You Seen This…Ass?

Okay, minimalists, enough is enough.  First, the shoes are just too much and had to go.  Now things have carried to their inevitable conclusion: naked running.  That’s the agenda of all minimalist runners; don’t let them fool you.  They won’t rest until we are all running naked.  Just wait until McDougall comes out with his sequel to Born to Run - Born to Free Ball? - promoting the natural, centering, free gravity effects of running without shorts…that Big Pant has actually altered our natural waist movement and thrown off our natural running form.  Should be a hit.  Nike, Asics, Brooks, New balance, to your labs to create a lightweight, invisible, near nothing running short!*

In Colorado, home of hippies and intermittent slack bloggers, Carbondale is ground zero in the War on Minimalism.  Rampant packs of naked, trail running men have been spotted on hiking trails.  The Garfield County Sheriff’s Office has received several complaints.  Sheriff Lou Vallario has the situation under control. 
At a press conference yesterday, however, Sheriff Lou Vallario stated the naked men shouldn't deter outdoor enthusiasts from going about their business as usual.
"Be a little more aware, take some precautions... but you need to do what you enjoy in life,” said Sheriff Vallario in a Grand Junction Sentinel article.

Apparently, except running naked.  Right, Sheriff Lou?

Click the link and enjoy the descriptions of the four specific incidents cited.  Do you see something missing from those descriptions?  I know if I did some naked trail running, the first thing described to the police wouldn’t be my hair color or height but the size of…my their amazement.  (insert rim shot!)

Also, does one of these runners NOT sound like the others?  Note incident description #4.  It says nothing about running but maybe he’s taking a Gu break?  Can a fellow get a rim shot up in here?!?

There will be an ass line-up soon to identify this minimalist terrorist:

This is Colorado right?  Hey, has anyone seen Ian?
He must work out.

Had a Bad Run?  Eat More Sugar

Here’s another newsflash from some brainiacs at a sciencey place.  They’ve gone and studied more rats and projected their findings onto human beings again.  What they found this time is that “people who eat large amounts of sugar for as little as 6 weeks experience a sharp decline in learning and memory ability.” 
"Our findings illustrate that what you eat affects how you think," lead researcher Fernando Gomez-Pinilla said in a statement. "Eating a high-fructose diet over the long term alters your brain's ability to learn and remember information.”

The article didn’t specifically mention fudge stripe cookies and jelly beans so I don’t think I’m affected by this.  In fact, the article seems to be sponsoring a form of Sugar Minimalism which, I believe, is an offshoot of shoe minimalism and thus a part of the larger War on Minimalism.
Mmmm, little gobs of bite size goodness.

What does this have to do with running?  Well, first of all, it doesn’t have to do anything with running.  This is my blog and I can rant if I want to.  Second, there is, in fact, an important conclusion here for runners:  Eat lots of sugar and forget about how awful all that training is for the marathon.  At least, that’s my takeaway.  Jelly beans, start shivering in terror!  I figure I eat enough sugar and who remembers the calf cramp pain during that 20 miler?

Bikes 1, Genitalia 0

Another study from ‘The World is Round’ crowd.  This time they tell us that cycling leads to decreased genital sensation in women, numbness, poor sperm morphology in men, and erectile dysfunction.  They also ominously state that “female cyclists had less genital sensation than female runners.”  I didn’t know decreased genital sensation was a byproduct of running.  I guess that marathon medal you received has a double meaning, eh?  Congratulations, you finished the marathon!  And now your hooha is damaged!

I still ride a sweet 1998 Huffy Snakerock** but, let me tell you, I agree with these findings.  I lovingly refer to my Huffy as "The Eunuch Maker".

Just some more food for thought for you ardent cyclists or, as I now call you, Genital Minimalists.

Can We Make It Five?

You thought you were going the whole week without a Nitmos’ kids soccer update?  WRONG!  My colt will be invading northern Ohio this week to go for his 5th win in a row.  And 5th shut out in a row as well.  No kidding…their last four matches have ended in the following scores in order: 1-0, 2-0, 3-0, 4-0.  Anything other than 5-0 and we will not be pleased.  It shouldn’t be a problem as, again, he will be in Ohio.  I believe Ohio is known more for pay-for-play college football players rather than youth soccer.

But maybe he’ll get a tattoo while there.  We’ll bring an extra jersey to barter.

In the land where boys don't have blue faces.  But DESTROY 4-0!

And that’s how we do Randumbery.  Thanks for playing!

Expected retail:  $109
** Actual retail: $49 (Walmart, 1998)


Ironman By Thirty said...

Here you go:

Just threaten the colt by telling him you'll leave him in Ohio if he loses. That should do the trick.

Jill said...

I apparently hang out with the wrong runners in Colorado. *sigh*

Spike said...

Yet one more reason to avoid bikes.