When Pigs Fly

Wherein I return to the over indulgent use of the footnote…and other 2008 traditions.

When pigs fly
When a cow jumps over the moon
When monkeys fly out of my butt
When a llama is dipped into a pit of boiling acid after four hours of horrific torture*

These are all popular slogans used to express something that seems near impossible to occur. One of them is also the unofficial rally cry for the Flying Pig Marathon in Cincinnati, Ohio. That’ll be lucky marathon #7 overall for me and my sixth on a completely new course. So far, I’ve only repeated Chicago.

I may have mentioned a long time ago that, when I first crossed that final mental hurdle to take the marathoning plunge, I wrote down a list of nine races I’d like to run. I had (and have) no intention of marathon Oprahing. In other words, I figured once I was in shape for one I’d knock out as many as I could, while it was still fun. I would not get in shape for one, fall back out of shape, get back in shape for another, etc. Too much work. Once I got in shape, I would roll through as many marathons as I could before retiring to my couch for a life of tank top undershirts, Cheese curls, and steadily growing man-breasts.

From that list of nine, the second marathon I jotted down was The Flying Pig (Chicago was first). By now, you’ve noted my penchant for sophomoric humor. Not to quibble but it’s probably more freshmanic even.** As soon as I saw that a race existed called The Flying Pig and, upon that race medal a pig with wings(!), I knew this was a race for me.

But this race will be different than the others. For the first time, I have every intention on running this marathon purely…for fun. This will be a brand new concept for me. While personally I’m often described as lazy, laid back, sullen, creepy, why-is-he-eating-that? and quick to anger – a type B personality – my running has always brought out the inner go-getter/type A in me.

My training runs are always very nearly at race pace.

I’ve always gone into a race attempting to set a new PR.

I’ve stepped on the back of other runners’ shoes because, you know, they had a real smarmy gait.

This will be a challenge. Running for PRs = Fun to me. I’ll need to remove the “for PRs” and change the equation to Running = Fun. I want to do it just this one time. You know, to see what it’s like. Will it be thrilling like the first time you rob an orphanage?

As usual, I ‘ve created my own training plan. It is very similar to my Detroit plan from October though, with this weather, I doubt I’ll be training at the same speeds and intensity. This Sunday, there will be 16 weeks until race day.

Training plan in place and activated. Game on.

Official Flying Pig Marathon training begins in 3 – 2 – 1…

So I will run Cincinnati’s Flying Pig this May. And its winged pig medal will bump the Boston Marathon medal to the side as my new favorite. I will rub its pig stamped curves…shower with it…buy it stuffed Velveteen rabbits just cuz…and, occasionally, surprise it with some morning French Toast.

That is, until someone invents a Clown Barf Marathon.

Happy trails.

* this one hasn’t caught on yet.#
** though I doubt it’s eighth graderic at all.
# I made it to January 7th before threatening a llama again. A new record!##
## Screw Schwimmer too!