Friday, January 23, 2009

Director of Office Smiles

Mrs. Nitmos doesn’t post here. She rarely comments here also though she’s welcome to do both. She does read everything written here including your comments sympathizing with her for tolerating me. I’m not sure what you are all talking about, of course, because I think she’s quite lucky. It’s not just anyone I ask to pop my back pimples. Sometimes love manifests itself in a volcano shaped skin explosion. At least, that’s how I see it. Ask yourself, have I asked any of you to pop my back pimples (there are many…enough for all) and now you understand the special place she holds.

Mrs. Nitmos works in the human resources field. She finds jobs for people. You’d think it would be rewarding work especially in this tough economy but then you would be forgetting about human nature. Some folks don’t really want a job. And some folks think way too highly of themselves.

We always think of foul Uncle Eddie from Christmas Vacation who has been out of work for something like 8 years and his family is reduced to living out of an RV because “he’s holding out for a management position.”

One client checked the “Spreadsheet” box under the computer skills category. When Mrs. Nitmos inquired about his experience in that area, he replied that he spent a few years working at a hotel making up beds. Spreading sheets. I’m surprised he didn’t check the “Excel” box because, you know, he’s like a real go-getter.

Several different folks have innocently explained that they left their last position because they “choked their boss” or “ punched the foremen in the face” or “was arrested for suspicion of rape and couldn’t make it to work.”

Have you ever had to sit in a room by yourself with a suspected rapist? Mrs. Nitmos has. Awk-ward.

Another potential client sent her a resume that listed her previous receptionist position as “Director of First Impressions.” Er, sorry, that’s even too bullshitty for me. And I Excel at bullshit.

I suggested to Mrs. Nitmos that, on her own resume, she gloss herself as Director of Office Smiles. Or Director of Safety Management (changed smoke detector batteries). Or Executive Attachment Specialist (she has the keys to the paper clip and staples supply closet). You know, something to spruce that baby right up.

I don’t know how I could title myself. I’ve always wanted to be an Executive of something though. Everyone is an executive of something - and it’s usually bullshit – so how ‘bout Executive of Office Awesomeness. I work in an office. I’m awesome. Seems like a good fit.

Or maybe the Run Conquistador. Everyone in my office knows I’m a runner. If you heard the podcast, you know that I wear my race medals around as buttons on my shirt. And who wouldn’t want to be a Conquistador? You get to wear metal pointed helmets and maraud Central and South American villages while avoiding small pox and measles.

At the very least, any of these titles would be better than “Office Asshole.”

I’m tired of hearing that.

Happy trails.
_________________________________

8-10 miles planned for this weekend. Some of you are surprised that the sidewalks in my area are plowed. I should note that I live smack dab in the middle of the school zone. The high school, junior high and elementary schools triangulate my position. So the county plows the walks for the kids to get to school safely. Or maybe they do that for me to run safely. I’m not sure which. Sometimes I think the sun rises just for me also.

28 comments:

Marcy said...

So that's how you met Mrs Nitmos, eh? You were once one of those rapists trying to get a job? Nice! ;-)

Marlene said...

My title is "Strategic Assistant" which is sort of a fancy term for "Personal Assistant". What does that even mean? I prefer "Executive Assistant" - there's just something about that Executive word.

Have a great weekend!

Xenia said...

LOL at Marcy!

Mrs Nitmos' job just goes to prove my theory is correct. She is indeed a saint. There is no other explanation for her to willingly be your wife. All saints have to suffer. You are her pain.

As always, Mrs. N, I am in awe.

Have a good weekend. :)

Vanilla said...

I think you should be the Chief Executive Assaulter of Eyeballs, I like it because it contains the word 'Ass' which is appropriate n’est-ce pas?

tfh said...

That spreadsheet anecdote's so good it sounds apocryphal...

Vava said...

Are you on 'roids or something? See a dermatologist, and post these types of things AFTER lunch!

joyRuN said...

Sounds like my "domestic maintenance workplan" (i.e., chore list).

I thought HR peeps were called "babysitters" ;)

Have a good weekend.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

I am always envious of you, but today especially. With all those back-zits, you must feel as though you're sleeping on a cushion of pus when you go to bed. So lucky - your own built-in water bed, of sorts. You would probably be comfortable going nighty-night on a large rock.

Of course, poor Mrs. Nitmos for having to launder your spread sheets afterwards ...

nwgdc said...

In college I went to a Manpower office looking for work over winter break once, and witnessed the man in front of me in line becoming so irate at the request to list his hobbies ("I ain't listing that $h!t here! I don't want you knowing what I do in my free time!") that he took the nuts and bolts used in the manual dexterity portion of the interview and threw them against a wall, shattering a picture frame.

Needless to say, I followed that performance with something slightly more shaded towards sanity and was placed for work almost immediately.

God Bless Mrs. Nitmos.

Blyfinn said...

So you met Mrs. Nitmos after being accused of rape? Heck as long as they couldn't make it stick you're fine right. My wife would say that many days I think the sun rises for me also.

Jess said...

LOL at Marcy and Xenia!

Your wife is a saint. I can't imagine trying to get those kinds of people jobs!

Lisa Slow-n-Steady said...

How does she NOT bust out into a belly laugh when spreadsheets turns out to be making beds? Seriously. I don't think I would be able to contain myself.

RazZDoodle said...

What podcast?

Melissa said...

I am Director of Whining.

Actually, I just have a sign at my cube, "Thank you for not whining" (with picture of terrifying wolf). But that seems to keep things under control just fine. At least within earshot.

Roisin said...

According to my association, the people who can't get my name right after nearly 2 years, I am Arlene Duane, Registration & Membership Bitch.

Kristina said...

Goody, now I know where to go for a job when I can't find a publisher. Sounds like the competition isn't too tough, not to mention it is your fault that I quit my last job.

Ms. V. said...

Have you ever had to sit in a room by yourself with a suspected rapist?

Every day.

Spartan7 said...

A conquistador, eh? Not a bad warrior choice, but a little bit too high-and-mighty for my tastes. Still, they good to explore places like the Western Caribbean, so they couldn't be all that bad.

I could only imagine what an OB/GYN would try to list on his/her resume?

Happy Running! :)

Sarah said...

My job title is "Project Coordinator Retail Brand Marketing" = "Queen of Folding Tempo Track Shorts." I like your wife.

theloosemoose said...

You could be "Executive Director of Llama Extinction" as you finally eradicate this vile species from the planet.

KimsRunning said...

That is so bogus. I liked the kitty bandaids image of you way better.
*shuddering*

Marci said...

My respect just keeps growing and growing for Mrs. Nitmos...

P.s -you don't want to know what I've heard about why you run..

Laura said...

Just want to say this was one of my favorite posts of all time from you :)

Karen said...

Ha - I feel Mrs. Nitmos' pain! I particularly love the crazy e-mail addresses on the resumes. toohottohandle@yahoo.com or foxymama8@hotmail.com then you get to meet the person and have all sorts of pre-conceived notions...

Meg said...

Goodness, Mrs. Nitmos puts up with a lot. My friend used to have a position like hers and she had quite the stories, most of which did involve people who felt so entitled to a job that they didn't even seem to act like they wanted a job.

audgepodge said...

This is hilarious - geesh, Mrs. Nitmos has seen it all! (and to think all of her adventures were in the home...)

aham23 said...

i long to be director of the internetz.....

sRod said...

"Spreadsheets," wow, and I thought I worked with stupid people.