Monday, January 12, 2009

The Hello Kitty Mystery Runner

NOTICE: Visitors from Eastern Europe, welcome to Feet Meet Street! I know your search strings of ‘hello kitty nipples’ and ‘hello kitty buff’ and, possibly, ‘hello kitty impotent’ brought you here. I apologize. These are not the photos you were looking for. Move along quickly before I have to put this post on antibiotics. Thank you.

I’ve run with dudes in pink tutus.
I’ve run with folks in Superman costumes.
I’ve heard about people running in the buff.
Hell, some people even run in gorilla costumes.

Now comes photographic evidence of the Hello Kitty Mystery Runner. You may remember this same runner as profiled previously in my landmark Garden Variety Hello Kittty N-pple Guard post.


It’s not me. First of all, Mrs. Nitmos is allergic to cats. Second of all, it’s Hello Kitty?! I’m more of a Wiggles guy (and, apparently, I’m the guy in the Blue Shirt.)

I’m not going to tell you how I came across this. I have my sources. I’m everywhere. I’m omniscient. I’m also like omnipotent since I’m a marathon photo messiah lately except I hold no actual power. So, I guess that would mean that I’m impotent.

You might notice that the mystery runner is flashing a two fingered Hang Loose style sign to the camera with his right hand. This could also be interpreted as bull or steer horns which might provide us some clue to the mystery.

I also notice that the head is missing. The head was also missing is the previous Kitty post (photo now removed, sorry) which leads me to believe that the runner wishes to remain anonymous. Or I have a so far undiagnosed decapitation fetish. Come to think of it, I have been leering at headless mall mannequins lately.* Gosh, I hope it’s not a decapitation fetish. I don’t have nearly enough room in my cellar crawl space to support that lifestyle.

Judging by this tiny photo, the mystery runner appears to be moving at about a 3:14-ish marathon pace and probably swift enough for about 2nd-ish overall at the Florida Marathon. Just estimating here. How do you think the other runners felt getting passed by a dude wearing a Hello Kitty shirt? If I could kibble with this just a little, I think the Hello Kitty should be on the back. That would have provided maximum humiliation to a passed runner.

But maybe that’s just me being catty.

This begs the question: At which point would you pack it in during a race? For me, I’ve made a promise to myself that if a person wearing a Hot Dog costume and pushing a stroller passes me, I’m giving up. I’m sitting down in the middle of the street and untying my shoes. I always carry a small vial of gas and a couple of matches in my pocket. I’ll light the shoes on fire and walk away. It’s all over.

Time to play golf.

Happy tee time.

* I originally heard the joke about a decap fetish after looking at mall mannequins from a stand up comedian whose name I cannot remember. If you are the comedian who owns this joke, it was very funny at the time. Please feel free to take credit in the comments. I'm sure you are a regular FMS reader.
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In my last post, I casually referenced that I might not be posting for a month. I was joking but I received exactly one response indicating dissatisfaction. One. Nice. You think it’s easy to knit this sweater of comedy and knowledge for you people to wear every few days? It’s not like I’m just typing whatever pops into my head…well…er…anyhow, what I mean is, you are all ungrateful.
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No long run on Sunday due to colt's birthday and snow covered roads/sidewalks. I'll be out for 8 miles tonight as make-up.

25 comments:

Marcy said...

Anthony is the hot Wiggle (eww that kinda sounds gross) at least that's who all the SAHM's lurve.

Xenia said...

You wouldn't by chance be Andrew McCarthy, would you?

Happy belated birthday to the colt.

joyRuN said...

I thought the hot Wiggle was the yellow one?

I'll give up when Glaven walks past me.

tfh said...

Happy birthday to the colt. Watch out, though. Next thing you know your Eastern European visitors will be sending him a prostitute to mark his entry into manhood.

Chad Sayban said...

As long as you are not the Wiggle in the purple shirt...

...he is kind of creapy.

Kristina said...

I'm ok being passed by most. Except an actual tortoise, in which case, I would not only quit the race, I'd quit running altogether.

Cindy said...

no kids, so i know nothing of wiggles, but i do want that hello kitty singlet for myself.

audgepodge said...

Haha, me too! Nitmos - you had me at "Hello Kitty"

I discovered the Wiggles when I was home for the holidays. My 18mo nephew is fascinated by them, however I find them a little creepy.

Jess said...

That guy would probably pass me....embarrassing for me I guess

Tammy said...

The Wiggles are just slightly creepier than the Teletubbies that my kids used to enjoy...

I have been passed by strollers, but so far no strollers pushed by a hot dog. I sure hope that never happens.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

"[J]ust typing whatever pops into my head" is MY gig, Nitmos, so BACK OFF!

If those E. Eurotrashers should ever do what tfh suggests, you can just forward the cargo to me c/o "Mostly Bulls**t" &c.

joyRuN touched me inappropriately! I'm saying that:

1. Because it's true

and

2. Because it should attract even more Eurotrash - and perhaps some AsiaTrash - to FMS, because "jotRuN" is Eastern European for "Happy Ending".

That'll class this joint up a bit.

Sarah said...

This has nothing to do with anything - but my favorite drink at my favorite sushi place is called the Hello Kitty.

Stuart said...

Hello Kitty hot pants, time to go home!

Coachhrd said...

Thanks for making me LOL this dreary Monday in Iowa!

Melissa said...

I WOULD have posted expressing dissatisfaction, but I was busy and not reading your stuff anyway. But I am NOW.

The Laminator said...

Hello Kitty can keep a 3:14ish marathon pace? Wow, impressive!

Brooke said...

I think the comedian was Dane Cook...I actually just saw that bit...

Lisa Slow-n-Steady said...

I can't help wondering what caused that guy to wear a hello kitty shirt in the first place. there's got to be a story...

Viper said...

I'll pack it in when the sag bus runs me over.

chia said...

Wow. You chickened out on your Sunday 8 but I didn't?!? I had more lake effect than you did mister! Man up!

I *heart* Hello Kitty. I would have probably had to flirt with this runner profusely. Good thing I'm too slow to catch him.

Al's CL Reviews said...

I'm used to being passed by everyone, including the one-legged runner.

Blyfinn said...

That's pretty creepy. Happy birthday to the little one!

Marathon Maritza said...

Happy belated bday to the colt (yay for fellow Capricorns!)

I have most definitely been passed by stroller pushers, people in costume and Oprah. But this year I'm crack-a-lackin, it seems!

P.S. you know you wanna rock the HK singlet.

Spartan7 said...

You've ran the WDW marathon before, so HK shirts may be bad ...
but try getting passed by "Tinkerbell" ... that's just a kick in the shorts!

Must have been the wings. Freakin' pixie must have been on "pixie dust."

Roisin said...

The Wiggles? You seemed like a Dora and Diego kind of guy to me