Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Decaf Dog

This is our dog, Bella.
She’s a great dog if not a tad on the energetic side. If, that is, “tad” is defined as “constantly pacing the house and sticking her nose into anything that moves, doesn’t move, or thinks it might want to move some day.” I believe she thinks she is a shark. If she stops moving, she dies. Seriously, I get tired just watching the dog roam about the house.

Try walking across the room and you’ll get a wet nose jabbing you in the back of the legs. Leave a food wrapper unattended? It’ll be in her mouth within 10 seconds flat. Forget stuffed toys. She rips them apart in five minutes. And one day she decided to eat a two inch section of wood off the bottom of my slider door. Fortunately, she seemed to pass it okay. I can only imagine what a naturally hyper dog with a colon splinter would be like. Do they make tweezers for that?

The slider door seems to bear the brunt of her attention. It’s the window to the outside world, apparently provides tasty treats, and the object of her tongue licking affection. We were concerned that the slider may ask for a restraining order due to all the molestation it has received. But, no, when it came to us it only wanted a jar of peanut butter. Not sure what that means.

She’s a nine month old Brittany spaniel pup. And you would be right if you think I considered naming her “Britney” and getting a second dog to name “K-Fed”. The thought crossed. But I didn’t want that level of lameness and general douchebaggery in my house. The Us magazines would get jealous.

So we’ve been patiently waiting out her puppy months and the promises of a more content and relaxed dog. We’ve also been less patiently waiting out winter so she can return to her futile butterfly chase for hours on end in the backyard.

This past weekend, she came racing up the stairs and sat staring at me in much the same way she is doing in the picture above. Mouth agape. Panting. A ball of anxious potential energy. Now, I’m huge in the canine world. I’m the Hasselhoff of German Shepherds. The Jerry Lewis of French Poodles. Besides Mrs. Nitmos, I’m not popular amongst common, human females but I’m beloved by fawning, tongue lolling dogs. Hell, sometimes they even chase me down the street when I run by. I feel like a regular Beatle. And not George Harrison either.

This time, however, Bella had a slightly crazed look in her eye. She was really panting heavily. Her eyes were darting with my every movement. In fact, I think her eyes were getting to the destination of my next motion before I actually got there myself. I was changing into my running clothes at the time. Naturally, I thought sure, I’m crazy sexy but this is a bit ridiculous.

I went downstairs to the kitchen to retrieve Garmin with Bella rapidly nose bumping my calves all the way. Sure enough, there in her water bowl was a full bowl of discarded coffee grounds. Caffeinated coffee grounds. She had pulled it from the top of the trash next to her bowl and dumped it into her water. And then lapped up the water. Basically, she mainlined some Starbuck’s Breakfast Blend. And then, I can only imagine, subconsciously disappeared into a frenetic super galactic freak out that caused her brain to spin counter-clockwise at 400 rpms and her eyes to see the world through a kaleidoscope of neon colors.

I tried to work her through it like I remember folks doing for me in college. That is, I put on some Jimi Hendrix and settled her down on a bean bag chair with a black light.

When that didn’t work, I took her for a run around the block.

My shoulder is now slightly dislocated but that seemed to work. She calmed down a bit and returned to licking the slider glass until I returned from my run. By then, I was happy, Bella was happy, and the slider door seemed relieved.

But we need to buy more peanut butter. Again.

Happy trails.
_________________________________

I braved the 15 degree temps and snow covered sidewalks to knock out 8 miles Monday night and 3.6 miles Tuesday night. Both runs were at a winter induced pace of 8 mins per mile. I don’t believe I’ve run a mile at an 8 minute pace since, roughly, 2003. And, as an added bonus, I leaped through a foot of snow in various sections of the path, like a deer fleeing from a hunter, to get in a little cross training as well. God bless the snow plow drivers who come after the sidewalk plowers.

It’ll be 5 degrees today. And 0 degrees tomorrow.

And God bless winter.

30 comments:

Sarah said...

But I didn’t want that level of lameness and general douchebaggery in my house.

But...you live there, don't you? (OH SNAP!)

So we’ve been patiently waiting out her puppy months and the promises of a more content and relaxed dog.

We have a three-year-old Chesapeake Bay retriever. We're still waiting for that promised land of "settling down." My suggestion: get a prescription of Valium. For you, so you won't want to check yourself, laughing maniacally, into a mental institution. "The breeder said she'd calm down after a year! She said she'd calm down after a year!"

She had pulled it from the top of the trash next to her bowl and dumped it into her water.

Get thee a covered trash can. Like, now. This is only the tip of that iceberg. We have no uncovered trash cans any more. If our dog ever figures out how to work the step-paddles on them we're fucked.

And God bless winter.

Shut up.

nwgdc said...

Wait a second...you're waiting for a Britney to calm down? Really? Does that ever happen?

Al's CL Reviews said...

We're waiting for Guinness to grow out of the puppy stage. She'll be 9 in March.

Nice job on the runs in the cold.

Chad Sayban said...

Now that dog rocks! She is definitely the perfect foil for you. Just keep that mainline-coffee-water away from my 2-year-old. It might be the death of us all.

Vava said...

Nice pooch.

I don't believe I WILL run at an 8 minute mile pace in quite some time. You make me feel slow!

Lily on the Road said...

“constantly pacing the house and sticking her nose into anything that moves, doesn’t move, or thinks it might want to move some day.”

Okay, I've heard dogs take on the mannerisims of their owners...hmmmm

glad to hear all is back to normal, ahhhh puppies, "ya gotta love em".

Melissa said...

Screamingly funny and unfortunately I'm at work so I'll just have to bottle it in... And the picture is the epitome of "Awwwwww"-someness.

jen said...

Hilarious!! Sounds like a handful, but look how cute!!

Marlene said...

It's -11F around here today (and dropping!) if that makes you feel any better.

I was also doing the graceful deer-leap through the sidewalks last night. My hamstring is not happy today.

Yay winter!

(Bella is a cutie! I hope her buzz has worn off...)

Vanilla said...

You need one of those leashes that you can tie around your waist (I have one for our dog). It stops your shoulder from getting dislocated... instead you just get your back wretched.

aron said...

LOL oh i know these days well... we were crazy enough to get TWO puppies at the same time. we had to replace pretty much all the siding on the back of our house that they could reach :)

oh and i just posted about my dogs today... check it out :)

great job on those cold runs - no thanks!

Anonymous said...

Mrs. Nitmos.....
Vanilla, Mr. Nitmos DOES have a leash that goes around his waist. Santa brought it for him and Bella. He chooses to dislocate his shoulder. :)

RazZDoodle said...

replace "dog" with "18 month old kid" and it's a window into *my* life.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Man, what college did you go to? Because you don't put Hendrix on to bring someone down - you use Jimi to Freak Him Out!!1! Now The Dead or Eat A Peach-era Allman Brothers ... that's the Timothy Leary-approved way to bring someone down.

Maybe you should have named your caffeine-addicted dog "Marcy".

Lauren said...

A puppy on caffeine? I can't imagine. My puppy chewed through sheetrock without any stimulants. She hasn't outgrown the puppy stage yet (almost 2 years old now), but the addition of another puppy friend has distracted her attention away from random household objects.

tfh said...

This reminds me a bit of the time my dad left our childhood dog in the car alone for five-minutes with a six-pack of beer and when he returned, each can had been perforated, there was not a drop of beer to be found, and the dog was slouched on the seat looking at him groggily. He should have thought to give her some coffee, come to think of it.

Kristina said...

Thank goodness she's a cutie pie.
And excellent taste in coffee, sir. I'd pull a filter of grounds out of the trash and drop it in my mug, too, if it was Starbucks.

Ms. V. said...

Her eyes look scary crazy anyway...but she is adorable!

theloosemoose said...

I'm seriously afraid of your dog - even when she's not all messed up on caffeine. Slathering, manical, ferocious beasts like Bella are the reason I run with Pupperoni...and whimper audibly when I see dog houses.

Marci said...

Your dog has very human-like eyes. Very cool!

Maggs said...

What a cute puppy. I can relate to the waiting for them to out grow puppiness. Mine is 4 and still thinks she's a puppy.

Kevin said...

YEah, somehow I dont think that dog will ever calm down with or without coffee

Sarah said...

Cracks me up - my shoulder is permamently F-ed up from running with my insane dog. Good luck

KimsRunning said...

Cute puppy!! We have a 10 month old Chihuaha. She's in mad-love with my husband....so funny! She will eat anything not nailed down, edible or not. Spazz dog....

Jess said...

Oh my god if she's half as energetic as my uncle's Jack Russel I feel so bad for you that she got the caffeine.

Meg said...

That is absolutely hilarious. It sounds like your puppy's energy rivals that of my cat's. We should trap them together to annoy the crap out of each other instead of us.

seejessrun said...

I saw on today's news that a lot of caffeine can make you hallucinate. I wonder what dogs see.

Roisin said...

That dog might be the best thing I've ever seen.

Marathon Maritza said...

Perhaps you don't want her to calm down...look at what an entertaining post it yielded!

Great job getting out in the cold! I had to go out this morning in 55 degrees instead of the 70 we've been getting lately, so you know...I hear ya on the effort it takes!

sRod said...

Ha ha. Only makes me want a dog more.