Monday, December 29, 2008

Santa Had A Catheter

You have to understand that, in our house, Mrs. Nitmos and I will go to any depths to keep the Christmas spirit alive for the colt and filly. While my colt has no use for mall Santas at this point, my filly still looks at them with wide eyed wonder and reverence. And despite the fact that this year's mall Santa seemed to have a visible arm shake possibly due to early stage Parkinson's, my filly dutifully sat there and explained how she wanted a specific kind of Barbie doll - helpfully NOT the one we had already bought her - and never noticed the difficulty Santa had in reaching, clutching and transporting a candy cane from his basket to her hand. If she had noticed, she would have wondered how Santa could possibly hold sled reins in his hand or press his finger to his nose to shoot up a chimney. In fact, I'm pretty sure this Santa would have failed a field sobriety test if one was given on the spot in front of the throngs of excited children. I'm not saying he was drunk. I am saying that balance and basic hand-eye coordination skills were sorely lacking in this particular Claus.

In the days leading to Christmas, my filly literally has a hundred and one questions about Santa. She's trying to seal up all the holes in her understanding of this particular tradition. Meanwhile, Mrs. Nitmos and I are doing our best to keep the details as vague as possible.

"How does Santa get into our house when we don't have a chimney?"

"Oh, he has his ways." (Yeah, right, like we can afford a house with a fireplace. Just be happy we have enough rolled up paper to feed our oil barrel drum. Now put your finger tipless gloves back on!)

"Where are Santa's reindeer when he's at the mall?"

"Oh, probably on the roof."

"Can we see them?"

"No, we can't go on the roof."

"Why not?"

"Just cuz."

"Don't you want to see his reindeer?"

"Not really."

"Why not? Do you hate his reindeer?"

"So, who wants twenty dollars!"

And on and on the questions go at all hours of the day and sprung on us without warning. Usually we can brush the questions off with one vague answer after another. Or simple bribes.

We made the HUGE mistake of putting small trees in each of the kids' rooms. And Christmas morning, they find one small gift under that tree that they are allowed to open prior to the big score downstairs with the entire family. Now, my filly is obsessed with stories about how she saw Santa in her room...and he was staring at her. And staring. She tells the story so convincingly too. It creeps me right out. Somehow, we've turned Santa into a night stalker.

By Christmas eve, we are exhausted with explanations of Santa's every mysterious action. My filly launched into another barrage of endless how does questions.

"How does Santa pee when he's out so long delivering toys?"

My wife and I looked at each other with weary eyes from the front seat of the car and said simultaneously:

"Santa has a catheter."

Happy reindeer tracks.

Snow melt and 60 degrees! And windy. Very windy. 40 mph. And painful. My legs aren't used to running on even surfaces.

6.5 miles
46:51 time
7:13 pace

Hope everyone has a safe and Happy New Year! I am STILL on vacation and therefore not reading any blogs. I'll catch up with you all later.


KimsRunning said...

Happy New Year to the Nitmos family!!!!!

Have a great time off with the family.

Marlene said...

We had the wind up here yesterday too... I like to think of it as resistance training.

Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking he's got a colostomy bag, as well. Here's hoping he never confuses the present bag with his other, less festive bag. 'Cause feces covered Barbies are probably not on anybody's wish list.

Viper said...

Now it all makes sense. My nose would be red from drink too if I had a tube ... erm ... up there.

Happy New Year.

Maggs said...

It's a better answer than "he wears depends" which it sounds like the one at the mall might have.

Lisa Slow-n-Steady said...

Too funny.

I was always amazed that my kids never questioned the whole flying reindeer thing. Lots of other logistical questions, but they were content with that bizarre "fact".

Ovens2Betsy said...

Hmmm... catheter. I now have a plan for my next marathon! Thank you Nitmos! (Who says you aren't a giving person).

And Happy New Year to you and the Nitmos brood.

Sarah said...

Priceless! Creepy Santa the night stalker. My parents never let us have the Santa dream. And I never got a tree in my room. Your kids are lucky!

Al's CL Reviews said...

Happy New Year!

Lily on the Road said...

Geez, I'd stop asking Santa questions too if someone paid me $20!!!

I'd have the shakes too if I were a Mall Santa, poor guy, catheter and all...poor guy!

Anonymous said...

I think those questions are the reason I learned the truth about Santa at a very early age.
Happy New Year!

RazZDoodle said...

You should have told her that daddy doesn't hate reindeer, he hates llamas.

My daughter was freaked out a couple of years ago of the thought of a stranger coming into the house and delivering gifts. I had to tell her that I'd stay up and meet him at the door.

Xenia said...

Damn, I wish I had badgered my parents more when I was little. I'd be rolling in dough now.

Happy new year to you and your family!

Marcy said...

LMAO! I was very tempted to just tell my kids that Santa is fake. Seriously, the questions are nonstop and annoying. They might cry for a couple days but they'll get over it, right?

Melissa said...

Thank god my girls got the kind of wink-wink "Santa Claus" thing real early. We were no good at creating plausible scenarios.

Anonymous said...

A Catheter? Doesn't Santa ride with an empty Gatorade bottle and garbage bag?

Blyfinn said...

That's great! When my son asked were Santa does his #2 during the night I told him that he left it under the tree of kids that were naughty all year.

Irene said...

I was creeped out by the whole idea of Santa being able to see you all the time.

I love your daughter's barrage of Santa questions.

Happy New Year.

MizFit said...

Im totally stealing this and giving the Hanukkah Armadillo one too.

nwgdc said...

Sorry for the cheap shot. If it's any consolation, I am not going to kill you, as Glaven has requested.
Have a great new year!

X-Country2 said...

Aww, you're the best dad EVAH!

Kevin said...

Thats so funny.

Have an amazing new year

AKA Alice said...

Awesome how you and Mrs. Nitmos are sooooo on the same wavelength.

Steve Stenzel said...

So, DO you hate his reindeer?!?


Happy New Year!!

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

For the record, I never asked Nic to kill you. What I said to him was "Happy Christmas!" which he evidently heard as "(Bust a) Cap in Nitmos", because he hears with some kind of weird easten European accent or something. Or could just be a Wisconsin accent.

In any case I'd never say that. Unless it was Bust a Cap In Nitmos Day.

Which I don't even celebrate because I haven't believed in Nitmos since I was, like, six.

That's my story. I'm sticking to it.

thebets said...

Happy New Year Nitmos! Again, thanks for the lovely mental picture. I'll never look at Santa the same again.

chia said...

Santa has a penis? Wow.

Happy new year!

Jeff said...

Yeah, my 8 year old had a similar line of questioning.

Unfortunately, he asked them of his Hebrew School teacher.

Not sure he's invited back after the break.

Happy New Year!

Eric Gervase said...

That's hilarious. And, I like the idea of the two little trees in the rooms.

Laura said...

Merry Christmas and happy New Year, Nitmos! :)