Thursday, December 11, 2008

#4 Running Nirvana Is...

Wherein I recount my running highlights for the year...as if any of you care.


There are few things that I regret with this blog. I’ll pretty much talk any subject, with any degree of detail (including secretion levels and content), for any length of time. In fact, that’s one of my more endearing qualities: the ability to continually bring up uncomfortable and/or annoying topics long after the interest in those topics has faded. As Mrs. Nitmos can attest, I’ll squeeze the same joke, twisting and turning it, until every last drop of joke juice leaks out. In other words, I’m the Dana Carvey of repetitive joke telling.*

For example, I thought it would be amusing to march – marching band style, shoulder-to-shoulder and in step - from our living room up the stairs to bed one evening. I thought this would be a nice bonding moment. Plus, with me as the sexytime Drum Major, who knows where it would have led (cue “wah, chi, chi, wah-wah” music). I tried to get her to stand in place so we could get our steps together. She was having none of it. At this point, most folks would let it drop right?

Most folks ain’t me. I’m now working on roughly 17 days in a row of trying to get Mrs. Nitmos to march with me. Now she’s dismissively – and derisively – ignoring me. If I could just get her to do it once, I could then move on to the rented band uniforms I have hidden in our closet. The rental bill is adding up.

Becausethis one time, at band camp…

#4 Ass Fruit

What does this have to do with magical 2008 running moment #4? As usual, very little. Except that this particular race spawned a joke that I had a hard time shaking out of my own head. Though I loved the imagery, I regret mixing a discussion of fruit – which I eat regularly – with a discussion about propellants from my anus.

Of course, I’m talking about the 5k race I ran in July for which I was striving to break 19 minutes. Back then, I was pretty sure fruit would shoot from my anus if I accomplished the goal. I did, in fact, accomplish the goal and there was fruit on the ground behind me but I don’t have independent confirmation as to its source.

Over the next few months, fruit consumption became an arduous task. Just where did this fruit come from? Did some marathoner in California have a similar goal and now this delicious looking apple I’m about to sink my teeth into is the, ahem, fruit of his PR?

That was one particular post that came back to bite me in the ole apple shooter.

The second thing I remember about this 5k, besides setting a PR at this distance by 1:06, is the internal debate I had around the 2nd mile marker. There’s always that point in a race where you either decide to go for broke or ease off a bit. In the Detroit Marathon in October, I opted to ease off a bit at the finish. However, at this particular 5k, I decided to pour it on and push myself to the puke threshold. In hindsight, I regret neither of these decisions.

Some races get ripped from you due to a physical breakdown. Some races go so well you never need to ask yourself the question. Some races want you to “pay” before “you run on my goddamned course” and “drink my water and eat my food”.

But, in some cases, you are confronted with THE question: What are you willing to pay for that PR?

It’s fight or flight time.

I remember that moment vividly in my 5k. I decided to run harder that day either until I finished or collapsed in a heaping pile of finely tuned, granite carved man flesh along the road.

No matter how you answer it though, it is always a memorable moment.

With or without the fruit shooting from your ass.

Happy trails.

* I know nobody cares about Dana Carvey anymore but, seriously, how long was he going to do George Bush Sr. and Jimmy Stewart impersonations. Years 1-3 were kinda amusing. Years 4-12 got pretty pathetic and embarrassing. Now, just his physical presence on TV– without even opening his mouth – initiates a punching mechanism within me.

21 comments:

Sarah said...

I think you mean "bomp chicka bomp-bomp" music. We must have been watching different, uh, movies.

I'll let Mrs. Nitmos (or you, if that's your thing) borrow my uniform from marching band if it helps your cause...

Danielle in Iowa said...

Oh my God, Sarah's uniform is teh awesome. I'm pretty sure she needs to give it to Nitmos to run a race in so he can possibly PR again.

Xenia said...

That post was very inspiring for me. The Wizards of Blogland wouldn't have been half as much fun without it.

RazZDoodle said...

wow. I never really realized how annoying Carvey is/was. I have a whole new perspective on him and now, I too hate him with every fiber of my being.

Roisin said...

Having spent a few summers at band camp, I can only say that I wish it had been that interesting. Or not.

Chad in the AZ Desert said...

I remember the fruit-shooting posts...


...in spite of my best efforts.

Jess said...

Im sorry Dana Carvey elicits such a negative response from you...

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

O, man! I wouldn't want to be you! You've unwittingly tapped the Anger of Carvey's Cavalry, who will pursue you to the Ends of The Earth to make you retract that vile libel against Their Guy. They'll make you wish it was only fruit shooting from your @$$.

Watch your back, brother.

(Word to the wise. Don't badmouth Gallagher. His fans make Carvey's look like p*ssies. But if you DO badmouth him, be sure to put a disclaimer at the top of the post telling readers in the first 3 rows to wear raincoats. Gallagher knows a bit about shooting fruit himself, you know.)

Vanilla said...

The fruit from your anus post was my "ah ha" moment. As in "Ah ha, he's clinically insane, it all makes sense now."

Melissa said...

I once highly recommended your blog to my husband, ScottieDog, but now I'm regretting it. He is all too liable to do the "he-thinks-it's-funny annoying thing," and here you are just encouraging him.

Viper said...

Remember Opportunity Knocks? That was a sweet movie.

I'm pretty sure the Puke Threshold is my George Bush.

seejessrun said...

Uggg I did 5Ks for years and years and never broke 19 minutes, so I just moved up to 10Ks or longer. Screw you, 5K.

tfh said...

This post reminds me of just how much I hate 5ks. Once they're over, though, they can be pretty beautiful, much like your imagery.

RunToFinish said...

oh marching and fruit fo the anus, I just never know what great things I'll get here

The Laminator said...

Yeah, I remember that post well...because I wasn't able to eat fruit for like a month after that...

You never know which of 'em could have came from your anus...you know what I'm sayin'

Viv said...

LMAO that fruit post just came back to me... Hey fruity you got your sub 19.

theloosemoose said...

I'd be willing to birth a good sized watermelon from my anus if it meant I could run a sub-19:00 5K.
You am fast.

nwgdc said...

1. Pretty sure my wife and your wife are long lost twins. Both would attest to the absolute destruction and mutilation of jokes.

2. I believe the correct lyrics are "boom chi-ca bowww wowww" and not "wah, chi, chi, wah-wah”

3. You trying to get Mrs. Nitmos in a band costume is much like me trying to get Mrs. Nic into a skeleton costume. It's like a dog chasing a school bus. Once the dog catches the school bus...now what? Once Mrs. Nitmos is in costume...it's not like you'll have any idea what to do!!!

X-Country2 said...

5k races sound quick, easy and fun until you run one to PR. Turns out, not so fun.

Al's CL Reviews said...

Fruit from the anus...wow...so eloquent.

Marlene said...

I remember the last time you mentioned the fight or flight and have kept it in my mind ever since... I'm not a fast runner by any means, but I can still pinpoint that moment in many of my races.