Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Snorting Hydration

I think it’s terrific that Gatorade and some of the other energy drink companies have come up with a new hydration method. “Drinking” is sooo 2007. Have you seen these packets of powdered Gatorade concentrate? Wonderful.

It’s been a long time since I did some rails off a hooker’s chest. Of course, back then that wasn’t Gatorade and it ultimately cost me a high level position in the State Department.* Since then, I’ve backed off and snorted nothing more than crushed up aspirin mixed with sprinkled Tabasco and used a coffee table to prop up the inhalant rather than a prostitute. Overall, a much safer choice. I’m gainfully employed. And I don’t have nose herpes.

Now comes powdered Gatorade and the marriage of two of my favorite activities: snorting things and running.

Using my well practiced skills, I’ve chopped, divided and formed several rails of powdered Gatorade on the kitchen counter before every long run. It’s easy really. A razor blade. A rolled up fiddy. Sniff. Sniff. Sniff. Rub nose vigorously. There, I’m ready for my long run Mr. DeMille. What a quick and cool way to prepare for your hydration needs. Besides “drinking” has negative connotations these days. It suggests alcoholism. And who wants to look like an alcoholic standing around swigging from a paper bag covered 40 ouncer of Gatorade at the start line of your next race?

No, best to go with snorting.

The only thing I’m having trouble figuring out is how to incorporate this into my marathons. The races themselves, ever slow to evolve, are still handing out cups of liquid water and Gatorade at each aid station. Sheesh, might as well hang a sign that proclaims “We support drinking in all of its forms. Liquor up, kids!”

I think I can convince Mrs. Nitmos to hang in the starting corrals of my next race where she’ll need to go topless as I snort my pre-race lines off her chest. It might be a tad awkward for her and the other runners but old habits die hard. Plus, it’s the big day. Is it too much to ask my lovely bride of 13 years to expose herself among potentially 30,000 runners so I can get adequately hydrated? She’s my support team and these kinds of things are expected.** Besides, as I always say, “electrolyte replenishment isn’t fulfilling unless it’s snorted through a rolled up bill from my wife’s bosom.”

The aid stations get a little trickier. You’d need scoopers and choppers to get the lines set up and moving. It’d be ridiculous to suggest that part of our race fees go to buying up the local prostitutes to man the stations wouldn’t it? Right?? So, the table top will probably have to do.

There’d be no cups littering the grounds. No spilled and wasted drinks thrown to the side. Basically, doing our part to save the environment. I’m quite sure the number of plastic race cup refuse makes up a larger part of our landfills than our used up hookers.

Some may be thinking hey, I can bring a spoon, lighter and rubber hose. I can cook the Gatorade and main line it for immediate impact. This is a pretty good idea except for two things: so far Gatorade is only being sold in an eight ball sized quantity and hasn’t reached main line level purity and we really don’t want to be promoting heroin usage. Again, negative societal connotations to “shooting up”. Think of the children. Plus, arranging all of this at every aid station is a real time killer. Who has time to sit back and listen to the Allman Brothers for a few minutes after "hydrating" mid race?

I think the snorting makes a lot more sense. We can finish our races hydrated and green and not promoting alcoholism or needle work. Basically, Gatorade has solved our hydration needs, climate crisis, and revitalized the prostitution industry all in one neat little powdered package. Bravo!

At the finish line, you’ll still get your race medal, mylar blanket, maybe do a line of powdered banana off a loved one.

It’s all good. Except maybe the increased chance of nose herpes.

Happy trails.

* Though – to be fair – they only discovered my habit when a local WalMart found me sleeping nude in a plastic swimming pool in their garden department one morning. Thanks channel 9!
** As is being the investigator and arbitrator of whether that was a fart or a shart.

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In my last post, I regrettably discussed inbreds. I wish I hadn't. But now that the cat is out of the bag, so to speak, isn't it weird how Thomas Haden Church, from Wings and Spiderman 3 fame, looks eerily like the two inbreds in the photo from my last post?

30 comments:

Marcy said...

Ooooooo no! That's not too much to ask of Mrs Nitmos. Maybe she could score some extra income with tips :P KIDDING! (My apologies to Mrs Nitmos)

Actually that guy is kinda hot. I like em genetically jacked up looking (Kid!)

Brooke said...

OMG LMAO!!! Too funny. I have a vision of you running a race with blue snot running out of your nose.. ;)

Marlene said...

Oh man, you think of everything. LMAO!

Chad in the AZ Desert said...

I'm not sure what is more disturbing to me:

That there is actually a shred of logic to your idea; or

That somebody out there on the internet is going to take this post seriously and ACTUALLY DO IT. Wild!

Ok, carry on.

Kristina said...

What kind of snorting apparatus might you use in race conditions? Maybe just roll up the little strip of paper on your bib that commands you not to tear it off.

Vanilla said...

I've never snorted rails off a stripper's chest...

... I'm more of an ass man.

X-Country2 said...

Wow, you've really given this a LOT of thought. :o)

Trey Morgan said...

I'm enjoying your blog :)

Jess said...

Slow day at the office today? This clearly took some thinking haha

Tyger Lily said...

LOL at Brooke! LOL :-D

Vava said...

Wouldn't using razor blades on her chest be a bit dangerous? Or is her skin already toughened up from years of this type of activity in your 13 years of bliss?

Did I really just ask that?

Viv said...

Oh my sometimes I just don't know what to say except LOL! I am always scared to comment on you and Vanilla's cause I feel so unwhitty. It is bad for my self confidence...

I met that dude Thomas whatever in Fredickburg TX and he bought me a beer. I don't think there was any snorting of Gatarode off my chest or anything like that.

Blyfinn said...

This would really make the aid station lines so much cleaner. I love it. Maybe we could lace it with some power bars.

Roisin said...

Oh poor Mrs. Nitmos...how she must suffer!

Cindy said...

excellent idea! how about doing it with a rolled up race bib? a fiddy is too rich for my blood...

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Pfftt! Whatever your current "gainful employment" is, I hope it's not in the science or medical fields. You get nasal gator AIDS from snorting gatorade, not nose herpes.

And, while I'm correcting mistakes ...

Vanilla, you forgot a comma. I think you meant to say: "I'm more of an ass, man."

That makes more sense.

My work here is done. Schoolmarm-Man, Up, UP and AWAY ...

Xenia said...

As always, Mrs Nitmos, my deepest sympathy.

RunToFinish said...

"It’s been a long time since I did some rails off a hooker’s chest." wow I really just read that today.. I can't think of anything better to make me laugh...what a great ab workout you are.

Richard said...

Taking gels and gatorade during a marathon doesn't turn your stomach upside down??

Lisa Slow-n-Steady said...

Oh boy. the visions this post conjured up

joyRuN said...

Good luck with that. Just think, you can probably get published in Runners World with this :)

Ms. V. said...

You think of the most odd stuff. LOL I was married to a cocaine addict once. In the 80s, when cocaine cost a billion dollars.

Good times. Someone will actually try this, yanno?

Brianna said...

I think we'll be reading someday soon that Mrs. Nitmos has been honored with sainthood. Think she'd like the name St. Mrs. Nitmos? Hmmmm . . . too close to St. Nick, maybe? Well, the Vatican should consider it anyhow.

Ovens2Betsy said...

Whoa -- just had a flashback to the 80s.

Sarah said...

Dude, did you know there's a John Holmes Rd. in Ann Arbor? I'm not kidding. Sure, sure, it's a common enough name, blah blah blah. BUT STILL!

Viper said...

Here's what you do. You hollow out a Bic pen and pour the powder in the white (or clear--you choose) tube, and then you have your hydration on the go for those long training runs. You'll definitely need the hookers for race day.

tfh said...

I don't know. People race for charity all the time. What if we billed a race as "get prostitutes off the streets and onto aid station tables, where you can snort Gatorade off their chests"?

AKA Alice said...

I'm sooooo having an '80s flashback right now...thanks for that

Fitness blogger said...

That gatorade makes me sick after a run.

Jeff said...

Ya know, I'm thinking there must be a way to be able to roll the shit and smoke it!

Or wait -- I'VE GOT IT! Put a couple pounds of the stuff on a bonfire and have "hydration smoking tents" at every event.

Gotta go call those Gatorade people before you do!