Monday, December 01, 2008

Help Wanted: Inbred Jokes

Wherein I make my long awaited return to the Don Quixote style “wherein” subtitle and then proceed to ridicule deserving others all the while inflating my own ego.

How was your Thanksgiving? Good. Mine? Wonderful. Now that the niceties are out of the way, let’s get down to business.


I’m looking for a few good inbred jokes. Why? The answer should be obvious. I’ll be podcasting with Vanilla over at Half-Fast again soon and I want to develop a deeper understanding of what makes him tick. And then ridicule that. And, no, the picture above is not RazZ and Vanilla (pending verification after their joint appearance at the Phoenix Rock and Roll marathon.)*

No doubt you’ve laughed yourself silly over the crazy antics from podcast #3 and are eager for more. I don’t blame you. Also, you’re probably thinking that everyone, except me of course, sounded weird live (on tape) and in person (in podcast). I thought the same too. I think my full collection of teeth changed the tone of my voice compared to the others. But, if truth be told, I must admit that I did sound a wee bit different than I thought I would. My inner dialogue sounds sexy, erudite, and chocked full of both insightful and witty world analysis. My outer dialogue? Well, the podcast revealed I’m quite a bit different than that. Instead, I sound way, waaay smart.** Professorial, really. Smart. As. Shit. I’m a regular Salvador Dali of wordsmithing with all the oddly juxtapositioned non sequiturs hanging over branches and descriptions of crude farm animals in a patchwork of disjointed images as if put together by a ransom seeker.

Damn, that was terrific self confirmation. My ego is so huge already I can barely walk through the aisles at work anymore. I called ahead and had them sand off any rough edges on the hall corners. I’d hate to round the bend and POP! ego juice all over everyone.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, inbreds. They are hilarious aren’t they? When I think inbred, I always think of that giant dude from The Goonies. They never said he was an inbred but you know…you just know.

We’ll be taping soon (unless my inbred joke directed at RazZ above just ended my involvement) and we need some good questions. For obvious reasons, I need an inbred joke or two to help define Vanilla’s personality for all of you. Consider this your call to arms. Leave me some good ones in the comments. I suspect a fair number of you are also inbreds – not making a judgment here – and would really have a personal and insightful story to tell.

I guess I should request some other topics as well. Forty five minutes on inbreds, no matter how fitting and hilarious, seems like an awfully long time. So, please provide some questions or topics you would like to see Vanilla, Amy, RazZ, myself, and whoever else joins discuss on the next podcast. The rules, however few, are as follows:

1) Don’t expect a serious answer to your question.
2) At your own peril, follow our advice.
3) Any references to “Potsy” from Happy Days or “Urkel” from Family Matters go right to the top of the list.
4) Specific questions on bowel movements, including but not limited to taste and texture, will only be answered if all other questions have been covered.
5) Any respondents open themselves up for swift and merciless criticism during the podcast with absolutely no recourse.

Yes, I fished you in with a promise of a serious inbred discussion but now you feel used don’t you? You’ve been Nitmosed. We need questions. Lots of them. And good ones.

And I promise to fight like hell to get Dueling Banjos played in the background whenever Vanilla speaks.

Happy trails.

* I didn’t think it was appropriate to include Amy in an “inbred” discussion since, as far as I know, she’s never taken a potshot at me. Though I reserve the right to go back and amend this post if different facts come to light.
** And quite a bit sexier than I could have imagined.

Post note: My apologies to the state of West Virginia.


6.5 more miles of cold air asthma running. Someone must have shoved a bunch of cotton down my lungs. What a time killer! Ugh. Is winter over yet?


Kristina said...

I only have one question, and it's probably not what you're looking for, but why do you sound like a 60-year-old yoga teacher in that podcast? Ian sounded exactly like I'd imagined, but you sounded way more aged and mellow than I'd imagined based on your scatalogical humor.

RazZDoodle said...

I love it when I get a mention on your blog.

Blyfinn said...

I always liked the line "incest is best, keep in the family".

Darn West Virginians

Marci said...

Listened to the podcast, funny stuff!

nwgdc said...

"In West Virginia, It's All Relative."


I've heard the same thing about the UP of Michigan, which is pretty much BOTH of our (being from WI and the LP of MI) embarassing cousin through marriage.

Viv said...

I am still laughing on that pending verification of the photograh.

I enjoyed the podcast by the way. The silences made me laugh the most though..

Vava said...

Why does only one of the guys in the picture seem to have drool all over the front of his shirt? Is that an accurate representation of Razz and Vanilla when it comes to drool in general (ie. is one cleaner than the other)?

And can they hear me typing with those satellite dishes???

Marlene said...

Oops, haven't listened yet. I'm a slacker! I will this week.

And in response to your comment... cold weaher state? I'm in Ontario. I have at least 4 months of cold, snowy, blustery weather. Oh the fun!

Vanilla said...

I came here looking to insult you but I don't think I can do any better than Kristina did with her "60-year-old" comment. Oooh BURN.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Well, you could always try, "You can't spell 'inbred' without v-a-n-i-l-l-a."

Sure, that's patently false. But inbreds are notoriously illiterate. So he won't notice.

But if he catches you out on this falsehood, that means his parents couldn't have been any more closely related than first-cousins-once-removed. At best. (In WV, that's like strangers.) To demonstrate the stupidity of the issue of such low level of inbreddedness, you might have to come up with a question involving adding fractions or noun-verb agreement.

And if you need help coming up with such a question ...

What's that make you?

SLB said...

Well I listened and I have to say you're much funnier to look at than to listen to!

J/K...or am I!?!

Marathon Maritza said...

An inbred walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'hi Vanilla.'

That's all I got.

I'm afraid to listen to the podcast...I already have a blog crush on you and your smart quips and then today you went and made an art history reference (art history major here) so I'm not sure I can handle hearing it.

Did you just pop ego juice everywhere? ;-)

Anonymous said...

Dibs on the dude on the right - those ears are HOT. And they can provide warmth and shelter should we ever lose our trailer home.

I must be inbred, too, as I cannot for the life of me figure out how to listen to that podcast...and am not actually sure WHAT a podcast is, either. W.V. here I come.

X-Country2 said...

I have joke suggestions, but I'm definitely looking forward to your next pod cast!

Fitness blogger said...

It that picture for real