Friday, December 05, 2008

The Cannibal Run

I was sitting around last evening trying to come up with a topic for today’s post. Basically, as you’ve no doubt noticed by now, my posts are floating further and further away from sanity into the surreal. I’ve become unhinged. I have no race on my calendar upon which to fixate my thoughts. Idle minds are the devil’s plaything. Or is it hands? Either way, neither are doing anything particularly of note lately. My next planned race is still 5 months away!

So, what do I talk about? Then it hits me. Cannibalism, of course.

Perhaps inspired by Dean Karnazes - or other ultra marathoner’s – adventures, I’ve had this idea in mind about a sort of runner’s version of The Cannonball Run. You may remember these movies from the early 80’s starring Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise, two hilariously mismatched partners in the mold of Abbott & Costello. One, tall, suave, and handsome, and the other, short, round, and inept. Comedic partners. They were Corey Haim-Corey Feldman before they existed. They were Owen Wilson-Ben Stiller before they met their parents.

The Cannonball Run was a car race from one end of the country to the other departing and arriving at a specific location. In between, no rules. You could take any route. You could lie, cheat, and sabotage. As long as you got to the end point first, you win.

I’d love to see some version of that play out in the grand ole U.S.A (or grand ole C.A.N.A.D.A. as the case may be.) Except, of course, while running. There’s no time limit. You are allowed, maybe, a support team to travel in a van to carry your camping gear, nutrition supplies, change of clothes, and beer. Perhaps you can work as a team and someone from the team would have to be running at all times. You can sleep outside or stay at a hotel. Really, it’s your choice. But, you have to run every step of the way from point A to B taking a route of your choosing.

But this is just a foot version of The Cannonball Run right? What makes it different or unique? Where's "the hook"?

Using simple word association, my mind traveled from cannonball to cannibal. That’s it! You can eat your competitors. Sure, you could give them a regular Kerrigan knee whack on the way by but where’s the fun…the thrill…in that? No, contact with another competitor is not allowed unless you are going to consume them. Now the game seems much more interesting, doesn’t it?

As the old saying goes ‘the party hasn’t started until someone’s been cooked over a barbeque pit and eaten’. The race would take on a more lively – sinister – tone. You sure you want to stop and rest for awhile? You might think twice when you remember that “Crazy” Joe Smith was behind you and he was wearing a bib. And it wasn’t a race bib.

I don’t know, maybe I’ve been sniffing to much powdered Gatorade lately. I have to admit that the thought of a cannibal run seems a little out there even by my standards. If you don’t like the human consumption aspect, we can drop that and go with just the regular, bland multiple day foot race ala The Cannonball Run. There’s something weird about cannibals anyway.

Just as I was about to birth this landmark post upon the world, I thought I better do a quick google on “cannibal run” (and ensure my firing from my job once the scan of web sites visited on my office PC is reviewed.) Certainly, other folks must have come up with this innovative race idea before me. Sure enough, there already exists a Cannibal Run. It’s in Colorado. Or, as I call it, “cannibal country”. Crap, my race title has already been stolen. But it's only a 5k/10k and no one gets eaten. WTF!? Still, I’ll have to go with my clunkier alternative title The Fava Beans and Chianti 3800K.

I don’t know what Dom DeLuise ate during The Cannonball Run. There certainly couldn’t have been many fruits and veggies on that plate. He was eating something though. I’m not casting aspersions…I’m just sayin’…did anyone ever see Abe Vigoda again?

Happy trails.

I need a race on the calendar. Quickly. Usually, I start descending into winter induced, house bound, claustrophobic madness in February. The fact that it is occurring now – over 2 weeks before the official start of winter, is not a good sign for any of us. Strap in, folks, it’s going to be a long, bumpy ride.

Thus ends my one week journey into dementia. It was a short trip. Next week, I'll attempt to turn the tide and keep things on F.M.S. quite a bit rosier. In the spirit of the holidays, all posts next week will be bursting will energy and positivism and holiday joy. I’ll leave the murkier fare of intra-family mating, snorting Gatorade, and human consumption behind. Those probably weren’t to your tastes anyways, right? (Can I get a rim shot, please?) Besides, crazed Gatorade sniffing inbred cannibals never meant “Christmas” to me anyway.


Cold air asthma choking 5 miles. God bless Old Man Winter.

5.0 miles
35:41 time
7:08 pace

We'll do a hearty 7 this weekend.


Kristina said...

You frighten me. Nevertheless, how 'bout running the Phoenix half? Everybody who's anybody is doing that race.

Sarah said...

Holiday Hustle, Dexter, Saturday December 13, 4:00 pm. 5K for the runners, 1 mile fun run for the kiddies. Bonus: holiday costumes encouraged.

wowo said...

How about the Zoom!Yah!Yah! Indoor Marathon in January? I can't imagine anything more tortuous that running indoors on a track for 26.2 miles. Much like sending a poet into space, I think you are the best person to describe this experience to the masses.

Blyfinn said...

Love the idea. How about for every competitor you consume you have an hour or some taken off you finishing time? That should stir the pot nicely.

April said...

Hey Nitmos! Every Friday, we pick a runner blogger to interview and feature on our blog (Weekly Pace Setter) aaaaaand we were hoping that you'd be our guest for next week! If you'd like to do it, just send me an email to and I'll reply with the questions. Thanks!!

Fun Guv said...

how about the martian marathon in Dearborn the first weekend of April? Mike & Lisa are talking of doing the 1/2 (just for the cool shirt). we can do a running steers gathering here the night before

Chad in the AZ Desert said...

Just tell me that Farrah Fawcett and Adrienne Barbeau are in the race and I'm there.

You really do need some races, don't you?

Jess said...

What the hell flavor Gatorade power have you been sniffing lately....I think you need to back off the habit a bit lol

X-Country2 said...

Wow... that was quite a post. :o) You might want to hire someone else to do the PR for your race though.

tfh said...

Since you seem to be an expert on cannibalism as it relates to running, I wonder if you could answer my question as to who would be more appealing to cannibals: a runner, or a non-runner. Would runners be too tough, you think, or would it be more like gourmet free-range meat, rich in omega-3s?

I'm not perverse, it's just the anthropologist in me that wonders.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Okay. Would I have to eat all of the competitor, even if he was a dude? Because I'm totally down with the cannibal part, but, you know, I wouldn't want to be tricked into eating anything that would make me seem, you know ... gay.

Not that there's anything wrong with gay cannibals. Some of my best friends are gay cannibals. Just not my thing, is all.

Please clarify the rules.

chia said...

Would there be a vegetarian option?

I'm jez sayin'

Vanilla said...

I bet in a cannibal run a lot of runners eat a competitor, thinking that it's a good strategy, but then, the joke's on you! You're too full to run fast now!

Vava said...

Your post made me think of something - a running bib for catching drool, snot, whatever. Perhaps the contents of said bib would be weighed at the end of the race, and the loser had to eat the winners goo? This definitely sounds like something SpikeTV might be interested in financing...

Xenia said...

Dayum. I thought about writing a Cannonball Run inspired post, but rest assured it wasn't going to go in this direction. Hope you find a race soon. Really.

Have a good weekend.

jen said...

"And it wasn't a race bib" hehee

Let's get you signed up for a race already. This is unhealthy.

Cindy said...

pass the dutchie....
oh wait, i thought you said cannibis run

Lisa Slow-n-Steady said...

I think maybe you're going a bit stir crazy from not having a run on your schedule. Maybe you should find something a bit sooner than 5 months...for the sake of your family. :-)

Ms. V. said...

Wow. I am truly concerned for your sanity.

Have you read "What I talk About When I Talk about running?"

There are NO races in the snowy places? How about you take Mrs. Nitmos on a warm vacation and look for a race???

Meg said...

I thought it was a pretty good idea until Cannonball turned into Cannibal!

Viv said...

Are we really talking about eating people races and Dom, someone get a race on the Nit STAT!

LOL at the small print of choking on the cold air.