Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thanksgiving, Vertically

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I’d like to take the time to thank everyone individually for the generous encouragement and support you’ve provided me over the years through this blog. But then it dawned on me that you’ve provided neither encouragement nor support. In fact, you’ve all been more like an anchor that I’ve had to drag through the internet sand. Ridicule. Torment. Accusations. You’re all a piece of work. I don’t like to participate in childish name calling but, if they say that a 1,000 turkeys with a 1,000 typewriters would eventually write a masterpiece, it’s not so much to ask one turkey with one keyboard to comment something readable and half way entertaining.

In case you missed that, I called you a turkey.

So now that the holiday greetings are out of the way, on with the show. I’m sure there’s some sort of technical literary term for the device I’m about to use. I wouldn’t know and I’m not going to Google it either. I’m sure one of you Brainiac Bobs or Smart Sallys will have an answer for me though. Basically, I like to celebrate all of my holidays by writing nonsensical lists to the first letter of the holiday greeting. It’s tedious but my therapist tells me it helps mollify my crippling seasonal depression.

To the bolded, vertical greeting HAPPY THANKSGIVING, I have listed things I am thankful for and happy to have in my life. These came naturally. In no way whatsoever did I forcibly rephrase anything to make it line up with a particular letter.

Here’s one turkey with one keyboard’s list:

Holograms. Awesome.
Asswipe Johnson (pronounced ‘os-wee-pay’) from the old SNL sketch.
Pancreas, “the underrated organ”
Yearnings for life left to live, challenges to face and conquer, and butter

Toilet plungers
Health ockey fights
Angry Albinos
Ninjas, obviously
Kicking ass and taking names Nitmos style (or, b.a.u.)
Garmin, pbtn
Indigestion and its natural side effects (i.e. farts)
Videos of babies laughing (not really but sounds better than “vicious animal attacks”)
Indecent exposure charges/difficulty to prosecute
Ninjas, again, obviously
Gang Nitmos including the Mrs., colt and filly (and our little dog Bella, too)

As you stuff your face tomorrow, some of you should keep in mind that you’ll have to run that much more in the days ahead to work off the holiday gluttony. Not me. I have no race to run. Instead, I’m going to eat. Eat some more. Eat a little more. Probably gag out some mashed potatoes and cole slaw discreetly into a napkin. Wait 10 minutes and then eat some more. After a few trips around the dessert table, I’ll waddle over to the couch to watch the Lions lose their annual Thanksgiving day game while I try to push some escaping M&M’s off my chin and back into my mouth before my head falls back asleep over the back of the couch. The little buggers always keep falling out with each chew of my food encrusted jowls..

Before long, fast asleep with chocolate spittle running out of the corners of my mouth, my body calls in reinforcement enzymes to process the food through my system. At some point, I’ll be awakened by the combo belch/fart that snaps my head back from back of the couch into a dazed, lip licking consciousness. Dogs will bark from the sudden noise. My eyes will wander back to the dessert table as I take a quick internal analysis to determine, like a game of food Tetris, if I have enough room now to work in that Apple pie wedge.

Yes, it will be a wonderful Thanksgiving. It may start vertically but it’ll end horizontally in a triptophanic bugaloo.

I hope you enjoy yours. I apologize for the “turkey” crack. This isn’t the time or place for that. I’ll call you all that AFTER Thanksgiving. I have class.

You’re welcome.

Have a great Turkey day!

Note: Episode 3 of the Runner's Lounge LoungeCast is now up and available. Prepare to be audibly tickled by me. There are some others on here I think as well (maybe RazZ, Vanilla, and Amy to be exact.)

Go here (or see the moderator RazZ's announcement here) and download the podcast. I promise you'll derive no motivation, barely laugh, and wonder why you wasted 45 minutes. 100% guaranteed!


RazZDoodle said...


Capturing the holiday spirit, ladies and gentelmen.

Jess said...

Haha can't wait to hear that podcast.

Chad in the Arizona Desert said...

Have a happy and safe Turkey Coma.

Vanilla said...

Happy Thanksgiving Nitmos! Don't choke on it.

Blyfinn said...

I think my grandfather does the "awakened by the combo belch/fart" on a daily basis.

Have a great Thanksgiving.

Xenia said...

Happy Turkey Day, Barry. Uh, I mean Nitmos. ;)

Lily on the Road said...

Well, if that sentiment doesn't warm the cockles of your heart then you are nothing but a Llama bashing satan!

Happy Thanksgiving to the Nitmos family and little Bella (BTW, cover your ears Bella when the burping and farting become too extreme, oh, you too Mrs. Nitmos, Filly & Colt)

Enjoy your Turkey Stupor!

KimsRunning said...

Happy Thanksgiving Nitmos Family!!!!

jen said...

Happy Thanksgiving!!

RunToFinish said...

"you'll shoot your eye out" but not with a red rider, more like withthe button that is going to shoot off your overstuffed pants....and so glad we could add to your joy or lack there of during the year.

Viper said...

Happy Thanksgiving. Go ahead and choke on it, the wishbone. Cheers!

Kristina said...

I believe the literary device you're using is referred to as a "dork list," which I guess would make you a... never mind. Happy Thanksgiving!

Marlene said...

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

tfh said...

Gang Nitmos-- sounds pretty intimidating. Does the gang really have coleslaw on Thanksgiving? My dad did always say one of the reasons he left Michigan was to escape the smell of boiled cabbage. Anyway, enjoy your holiday!

Cindy said...

i love the list! happy thanksgiving to you too.

Anonymous said...

Hi, nice blog!
I love Thanksgiving day very much. I found a site with a lot of things about Thanksgiving. Maybe this will interest you: All about Thanskgiving Day!!! :)

joyRuN said...

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'll have to listen to that podcast soon.

In the meantime, I'll think of you as I swipe whatever drool manages to escape my mouth when I pass out tomorrow.

Aren't you honored?

MizFit said...


Vava said...

Enjoy your day off...

You lucky bastard!

Vava said...

That friggin' prodcast is 45 minutes long! Don't you guys know we're the TV generation and need things packages in 2-5 minute segments?

Vava said...

Packaged. I meant to type packaged...

The Laminator said...

Happy Thanksgiving, Nitmos!

Loved the's my organ!

Topher said...

Dude, you're just as funny on audio as you are on the screen. I may add that to my MP3 player just to get me through runs.

Ms. V. said...

somebody PLEASE explain to me how to download these!!!!

i am mp3 challenged!!!

Oh, and now I am off to eat. I did a turkey trot, after all.

Happy Thanksgiving from the original anchor...

Viv said...

I totally missed it...So, who you calling a turkey you turkey. That is the cut down method i have used since chilhood just stick it back to the person.

I hope you and the family had a grea Thanksgiving!

I just killed mine making the listen to the podcast for the past 20 minutes. The hubby asked don't you have headphones?!

Frayed Laces said...

So basically what you're saying is that you're spending Thanksgiving like 99% of Americans? Sheesh I expected more from you.

*aron* said...

hope you had a great thanksgiving :)

i am listening to your podcast right now!

Fitness blogger said...

Great Holiday pod cast.