Thursday, July 10, 2008

5k Goal: Fruit from my Anus

I suppose I should declare my intentions prior to Saturday’s 5k Cherry Festival race. While in the past many of you have ridiculed my shorts as looking like a running skirt, derided my command of American history, and outright mocked my grammar, I know that you all view me as a trendsetter. So, I would like to announce a new blog tradition sure to sweep the RBF universe: the public posting of “race goals” prior to the race. But not just the bland, traditional numerical goals. Also, a non-numeric transcendental, malicious and/or farcical goal. I’m sure you all see the value in this and require no explanation. Consider this blog Mt. Sinai and I have passed this information directly on to you cutting out the middle man. (Take that, Moses!) Use it and use it well.

Saturday’s race marks the final day of Traverse City’s National Cherry Festival. Those of you who like to “pie” your cherries, should be thanking this small northern Michigan region for this delicious and healthy fruit. Tart, they are. Tasty, they is. This is also the home of the fantastic Bayshore Marathon with its nice, largely flat BQ caliber course. This, my friends, is my ancestral hometown (though I never actually ran in the race when I lived there.) I have run in either the 5k or 15k from 2000-2006. After obtaining a BQ in May of 2007, I decided to sit the 2007 Cherry Festival race out. I was busy wallowing in my own vainglorious (+3) achievement to even recognize its existence. So, this year marks the triumphant return….and to the 5k no less which has not been so blessed since 2004!

My 5k numeric goals are not many. It numbers only one. BEAT 19:00!

Nineteen minutes is my official Summer of Speed goal for this distance. I will accept nothing less. Garmin is set to alarm at 18:59. If I have not crossed the finishing mat by this time, it may as well be a detonator exploding me into tiny, sweaty, attractive bits all over the assembled crowd. Lucky be those who may walk away with a powerful leg or a bit of rippled torso.

Failing discharge, I may simply leave the course at the sound of the alarm. Defeated. Broken. Though still oddly bewitching. There is no need to complete the race at this point no matter if I’m 500 yards or 500 inches away from the finish.

It is 18:59 or less. Do or die. I am McGyver and I have 19 minutes to get this timing chip to the finish or KAPLOOEY!!!

Perspective is an odd thing. In marathoning, nineteen minutes is considered “warm-up”. Here it is the entirety of the race itself. Normally, I’m not even done fiddling with my short lining banana hammock until 25 minutes have gone by at which point the sweat glue solves the problem on its own.

I’m not going to wrap my one numeric goal in the syrupy sweetness of other “Have Fun” or “Do My Best” or “Play Fair” goals. This is a mission. It does not come with a candy coating.

As for my other goals, well, you are in luck. Those are plentiful.

Malicious Goal: Step on the back of another runner’s show dislodging it from his/her inferior foot.

You may recall that one of the pillars in the Nitmosian philosophy is that, in order for me to succeed, others must fail. It’s the Teeter-totter effect. We can’t ALL obtain our goals. It’s yin-yang. Batman vs. The Joker. It’s Corey Feldman-Corey Haim. If I am to rise to the heights I desire, another runner must fail miserably. Shoe dislodgement is subtle but devastating to a time seeking opponent.

Transcendental Goal: Disconnect my legs from my body and let them achieve independent perpetual motion.

My brain sometimes undermines my legs and tells them to slow or (gasp) stop. If I can detach my legs from my evil brain’s command, I may be able to keep a constant sub 6 minute pace without break down. I’ll attempt to redirect my brain to pick on my kidneys this race instead.

Farcical Goal: To, literally, shoot out chocolate covered strawberries from my rear upon stopping Garmin at the finish with the first two digits as “18”. This Chocolate Covered Strawberry Goose will have laid the brown and red egg! Eat up everyone!

The Betting Line

50/50

During recent 800 (w/400 cool down) intervals, I marked off a 3.11 mile segment during this exercise as a bit of a time trial and came in at 19:16. This was not a race though. If I apply my patented 2.5% race day adrenaline performance boost, that comes to 18:47.

Hmmm, this will be interesting. I hope the course is measured accurately at 3.11 miles (or less). If it turns out to be 3.15 or higher, well, that probably blows it. That’s how close we are talking.

This will be only my second 5k since 2004. The last one – in Spring 2007 – was documented here (and featured my filly rising from an early race accident to finish strong!) It should be interesting.

Whew! I think that took longer to type than the race will be to run. Something not right about that.

Happy trails.

27 comments:

KimsRunning said...

I know you can do this! Hey...maybe YOU'RE Gazelle-man!!!!!

RazZDoodle said...

I'm left with fear more than I am admiration. Good luck and God speed.

SJ Goody said...

HAHA! Blogging consumes way more time than the actually topic at hand... tis true. HAH! GODSPEED!!

chia said...

LOL and you said my mantra was dirty!

We were thinking of attending as well, please at least say "hi" prior to dislodging my feets out of my Saucony's ;-).

Marcy said...

You'll do it, fo sho! If you don't . . . well then Vanilla and Viper will have a field day with you :P

I was kinda hoping you'd throw up on someone at the end. Wouldn't that be nice?

Blyfinn said...

Good luck! I love the non-numeric goals. I wish you better luck then me. My 5K times have actually been slower lately. I need to figure out why I have been struggling to hold my pace.

Kristina said...

I think if the yin-yang system is in effect, we're all forced to root against you.
Try not to take a cup from the guy passing out vinegar.

Marcus Grimm said...

I propose you STOP running at 18:59, wherever you are... that way, you have the burden of being truly humiliated if you don't make it.

Just a thought, yo.

Chad Aaron Sayban said...

I am going to place my bet on you not hitting your goal...and since I am never right when betting on sporting events, you are certain to do it. How is that for metephysical mis-mash??

Vanilla said...

Best of luck in your sub 19 5K quest. I hope that you achieve all you set out to accomplish, I really do. But it won't stop me from laughing hysterically at you if you fail.

*aron* said...

you are sooooo going to do it!!! good luck!!!

Xenia said...

I think I just discovered my puke threshold. Thanks for the imagery. Or, you know, not.

Good luck!

Viper said...

I really hope someone rigs an exploding timing chip to your shoe. I can't think of a better person for that to happen to. Good luck in this doody. I look forward to an explosive report.

steersldp said...

So your goal is to run 5 seconds per mile faster than a training run? very ambitious.

Why not make it easy on yourself and ask some gaunt looking dude if he will wear your chip for $5, so you can get a sub 19 time.

While you are at it offer a sub 19:30 service on craigslist and run with a dozen or so chips around your shoes, giving 47 year old Ron from Petosky a PR?

Marathon Maritza said...

Oh man, I hope you get it cuz chocolate covered strawberries are my favorite.

Marci said...

You can do it!! Looking forward to reading all about it.

Kevin said...

Wow! That was a whole lotta words to say you want to go sub 19. Lets just hope something else thats brown doesnt come flowing out your arse

Frayed Laces said...

This post reminds me of a local colloquialism:
"If can, can. If no can, no can"

And, if no can, be like my roommate and go smoke a joint and talk about why everyone is trying to keep you in the "no can" frame of mind.

Ms. V. said...

You can do it.

Lily on the Road said...

mmm, dismemberment of legs, body and mind....that will be some kind of race!!!!

Can hardly wait for the recap!

sRod said...

oh, it is too early in the morning to be reading this stuff. Co-workers are looking at me funny. Where do you get this from?

aham23 said...

you know, i really enjoy the honesty you bring to your post, life, and running. nice work.

now get out there a trip some fools. later.

thebets said...

Best of luck to you and your goals. BTW, thanks for the mental picture of chocolate covered strawberries. I can now check those off my list of cravable foods. I won't be able to picture them without thinking of them coming out your hindquarters...thanks for ruining them for me.

Lisa - Slow & Steady said...

Personally, I'm hoping you meet your "Transcendental Goal" and someone catches it on film!

The Laminator said...

If there's a betting line, I'm taking the under! I'm so glad I'm not running this as I'd hate to be the guy caught right between you at 18:50 and the finishing line with 50 yards to go. You might pull that Symmonds 800m finish on half the field!

Go get 'em, Nitmos!

AddictedToEndorphins said...

I love how you set your goals! Good luck tomorrow.
I hope you don't explode. And that the course is perfect. and that everything goes your way...

if not, I want some fast twitch muscles.

Scott said...

Hope you saw 18! Not sure about wishing you good luck in having chocolate strawberries shoot out from your anus however. :)