Sour Balls

Wherein I discuss nutrition and use countless unnecessary parentheticals (like this.)

Nutrition is always a big topic in the running community. Or the fitness community at large. Or the average American household. Or or or. You get the point. It’s important.

I’ve had several discussions recently on this topic. How does nutrition affect our running? How does it affect the way we live? Why does it prevent me from subsisting on a diet of gummy bears and rum?

Mrs. Nitmos has mentioned the desire to move away from food high in preservatives and go a bit more organic. Dean Karnazes, in The Ultramarathon Man, suggests a similar switch. Both mention the impact to the wallet could be substantial but worth it. (See, Mrs. Nitmos and Dean K. (short for Karnazes) share a common bond (though my wife (a non-runner (who finds Dean’s exploits bordering on pure lunacy)) has never passed out in the middle of the road due to exhaustion(Dean was running the Western States (Endurance) 100))(Crap, I’ve gone and got lost in parentheticals)(Not sure how to get out)(Let’s try this)this?)(Or this?).)

))(()))((( There that should about cover it. I’m out.

Obviously, there is some correlation between diet and running speed. There has to be doesn’t there? Theoretically, the fitter you are the faster you should be all other variables being equal. Carrying extraneous weight does impact your ability to optimize your speed.

But there must be a balance. I like to be fit. I like to take strolls around the mall in my speedo and cowboy hat. I like spray on tans and gold chains. I dream of racing in this ensemble one day.

But I don’t want to give up my weekly fat burger and fries from Wendy’s. Or, like last night, my between meals snack of sour candy balls, nachos with extra cheese, sour candy balls, Crunch Berries, left over pack of Skittles (half full – I’m not a pig), and more sour candy balls (and maybe a full lick down of the inside of the empty bag.)

Can I just take a time out and discuss sour candy balls for a minute? God, I love these things. If these were organic or natural in any way, I’d describe them as Nature’s Candy. Instead, it’s just really delicious Regular Candy. I’m not talking about the old timey hard sour balls (the kind Grandpa keeps in a bowl mixed with the root beer drops) but the gooey, chewy, taffy like SOFT sour balls. I could literally eat a bowl of them right now. And wash it down with some Captain Morgan’s. Screw this Nutri-Grain bar sitting on my desk. Your total fat grams – a measly 3 – aren’t going to cut it.

I have a hard time finding the soft sour balls. They are not sold in most convenience stores. The only place to reliably have them? MC Sports. No kidding. (BTW that’s not a sports related rapper but a Midwestern sports apparel/equipment shop.) I can look at shoe porn AND buy me some sour balls? God love it. Heaven on earth, truly.

Anyway, I got off track somewhere. I refuse to reread the mumbo jumbo I’ve already typed to figure out where. I can’t believe you’ve even stuck around this long. Since you’re still here, I’ll continue. (Pretty pathetic though if you ask me.)

Okay…cowboy hats and speedo’s…oh, yes, let’s talk nutrition. As a general rule, I try and eat more fruits and veggies as in between meal snacks. Unless, of course, there are sour balls around (see previous discussion) in which case I embark on an orgy of sugar fueled gluttony. The fruits and veggies seem to keep the waist line in check and provide me the added benefit of looking down my nose at my co-workers as they pump quarters into the vending machine for the 550 calorie king size Snickers bar (oh, man, I wish they had sour balls in there!) I’ll say, “Wow, that’s a lot of calories. About a quarter of your daily allowance. I’m just having me some carrots. Notice my cut abs?” At which point, I raise my shirt and smile. People like me.

When it gets closer to race day, I try to swear off sugars completely. And by “swearing off”, I mean wait an extra hour before dipping my hand into the bulk sweet tart bag.

Sugars, alcohol, and everything that tastes good or gets you inebriated is supposed to be harmful on race day. Like a good little teetotaler, I refrain as best as my will power will allow at least two weeks out before the race.

And I have to admit, I do feel a bit calmer, gaunter, and, generally, less assholeish the longer I stay off the devil’s fruit. Not sure how you translate this to race times though. F.M.S. research labs will have to come up with another over simplistic formula for this.

Come post race, however, I can’t shovel it in fast enough. Candy? Yes. Beer? Need you ask? Extra vicodin from cousin’s back surgery? Yes, please. Sour balls? I love you.

It’s amazing I don’t bloat out 30 lbs in just a couple of weeks. Since Boston, I’ve been on a month long, embarrassing tour of the worlds worst foods. So far, I haven’t gained any weight. My hoo-ha is still visible when looking straight down.

To recap (as I know most of you have a very limited attention span):

- Take nutrition seriously
- Eat your greens and fruits.
- Avoid overuse of parentheticals.
- Candy sour balls are delicious.
- Eating right helps your race performance
- Post race, give into cravings and overindulge to the point of being obnoxious.
- Retain visual connection with your hoo-ha.

Happy trails.
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Last night, another failed Limbo Run. Crap, I dropped too many seconds in the second mile causing me to misjudge the third mile.

4.5 miles
29:45
6:37 pace

Limbo attempt full miles of 6:53, 6:34, 6:37 (missed!), 6:21.