Gaunt Like Me

I promised to steal the seed of an idea I found (or imagined?) embedded in Viper’s post and germinate it on my own as I had zero confidence in his ability to raise it right. So, here is that thought orphan below, stolen but watered properly and sprouting nicely. (After all, everyone knows a seed won’t sprout when hydrated with Bitburger.)

Runners are a peculiar group. We read the same magazines. We generally gravitate to a healthier nutritional lifestyle. We openly discuss things that shoot out of our noses. We are fascinated by the subtle changes in rubber treads on a pair of shoes. We’re proud and freely show off our black toenails.

Yes, we are weird. Admit it. Some of you are really weird (the page the majority of folks who enter this site – besides the generic address – is STILL this one. Sickos.)

There was something that struck me while strolling amongst the thousands of runners on the streets of Boston recently. We are a gaunt, sickly looking group. What? That’s right, I said it. Someone had to say it. Mrs. Nitmos and I were transversing Washington St. near Boston Common one day, feeling smug and superior as I normally do, when I began noticing all the folks on the sidewalks wearing their Boston Marathon jackets. And they were awfully thin. Like, a little hunched over and anorexic looking. Cheeks sunken in. Eyes hollowed. Some of these folks were becoming a little off balance due to the wind force created by the opening of a nearby taxi door.

I checked the department store windows for my reflection – again, as I normally do, but this time to check for the same symptoms – to see if I in fact appeared to be a survivor of the Bataan Death March.* Nope. The familiar vigorous, Herculean figure stared back at me (it even winked and made a little pistol shot at me with its index finger and thumb).

Of course, runner’s are generally healthy. I’m not saying these folks weren’t. In fact, most of ‘em probably smoked me in the marathon a day later. There was just something a little alarming though about how it manifested itself in their physical appearance. In my book, there should be SOME cheek fat. Just sayin. When your cheeks actually become concave and are suitable storage for your car keys, its time to cut back on the miles.

This describes a small minority of the running community but, c’mon, don’t leave me on an island here. You’ve seen them. You’ve secretly thought to yourself that ‘damn, that doesn’t look right.’ I admire super fit, dedicated runner’s as much as the next. I’m just sayin’ there’s a threshold - a delicate cheek fat balance we’ll call it – that shouldn’t be crossed.

I didn’t want to go bringing vanity all up in here but something has to be said. This cannot be ignored any longer. I do not want to see the detailed ridges of a runners skull, cheekbones and jaw. If this describes you, eat a Twinkie. Become less healthy. Slow down. Make your race photo look more like a Glamour Shot than an extra from Night of the Living Dead. Please. This is just more fuel for the anti-running Runner Haters crowd (‘oh, look, he looks likes he’s dying (snort). That’s real healthy. Now I can go back to my cigarette and cup of drinkable Crisco'.)

I immediately put Mrs. Nitmos under orders to lock up my running shoes and switch me over to a diet of fatburgers and mayonnaise soaked fries if symptoms start to appear. Our Concavator** is on order.

I will not have a marathon referred to as a “running of the skeletons” again.

Be fit. Be strong. But make sure you have ample cheek coverage. If your eyes start retreating into the back of your skull for protection, folks, that ain’t natural.

Happy trails.

* Too soon?
** This is a fictitious product I invented that measures the depth of cheek recession against a baseline pre-running standard. It doesn’t exist. But should.
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I had a fun fartlek style speed work session last night. Four miles alternating 1/2 mile @ comfortably hard pace followed by 1/2 mile @ uncomfortably hard pace. Not quite a Limbo workout as I couldn't smooth out my times. Miles of 6:43, 6:36, 6:44, 6:33.

4.0 Miles

26:36 time

6:38 pace

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