Friday, May 23, 2008

The Dirty S.O.B's Have Ruined My Running Route

So, I laced ‘em up and hit my regular suburbia running route the other night. Take a left out of my neighborhood and down the sidewalk, over the dirt path created when the new ‘hood being built ripped up my sidewalk several months ago. Only, now they had the sidewalk completely blocked off with tractors and other large, menacing, smoke-belching machinery.

My four and a half mile run turned into an impromptu steeplechase.

Here I was hurdling the ditch to get to the road. Here I was sticking my shoes into a patch of mud. Here I was mother-humperdinking like a mother-humperdinker.

Then, here I was avoiding the rush hour traffic on the road so as not to join the dead raccoon carcass festering on the median beneath a swarm of flies.

If I wasn’t so worried about the Chevy Suburban hurtling towards me, I would have raised a fist and shouted something clever with the proper degree of righteous indignation at the shovel wielding Run Ruiners. Instead, I pushed on intent to put the sidewalk chaos behind me. Until I stepped in a puddle of water. Apparently, I didn’t clear the last hurdle.

The next couple of miles were uneventful. Flat concrete. A couple of Garmin stopping, nuisance intersections. Several inhaled bugs. A brief contemplation on the transcendentalist movement during the 2nd Great Awakening. And a quick 360 scan for the All Clear to Fart signal (Note: This sometimes unintentionally becomes the All Clear to Shard signal. Again, unintentionally.)

There is no way to avoid the monster Tonka trucks on the way back unless I wanted to turn my short run into a medium run, which I had no time to do. So, back into the steeplechase, though this time with better mental preparation. I decided to fore go the clever pointed comment I had for the several large men busy providing a place for their shovels to lean . They were within shovel whacking distance.

Back out onto the road, navigating the water puddle. Around the orange pylons. Here comes the ditch. It’s several feet wide but, by this time, I have visions of my inner gazelle springing across the divide and landing in full majestic stride. I’m going to show them. My friend’s say the animal I most resemble is a horse’s ass but, no, no, it’s definitely a gazelle. Now’s my chance to prove it.

Right foot planted; left foot swings ahead. Leap. High into the air. What a great start! Maybe I am a gazelle. This is going great. Wait. No. No, it’s not. I’m coming up short.

My left leg jams into the ditch a foot short of the western summit. My head and shoulders snap forward. That hurt. My vision of bounding away gracefully down the sidewalk is destroyed. It’s replaced by the reality of a barbed wire tangled, wounded gazelle scrambling out of the ditch and staggering on amidst, one can only imagine, the shared smirks of the Run Ruiners. But I’m none the worse for wear and still have a hard ¾ mile pick-up run to go through my neighborhood.

Once complete, I limp to the door of my house and cross the threshold tugging violently backwards. My pride, dragging behind me, is caught in the screen door. Gathering it like a flaccid (+2) parachute, I slunk into the house. My eyes aren’t focusing. My neck hurts. Something is not right.

After some cool down, it’s clear that the left side of my neck has pulled or torn a muscle. It’s stinging. I’m doing an unwanted Quasimodo impersonation. I’m thinking a small monkey has climbed onto my back and is stabbing me just to the left of my spine. A quick check in the mirror reveals no monkey. Though I do need to wash better. (Is that a piece of hot dog back there?)

The last few days, my invisible monkey has continued to stab away. Heat pads, ice, and pathetic pleas for Mrs. Nitmos sponsored back rubs won’t take the tormenting monkey away.

My running route is (temporarily) destroyed.

In the meantime, I need to find a way to get this monkey off my back.

Have a safe, fun Memorial Weekend!
_______________________________________

Update: My knee is now swollen. Those dirty S.O.B's.

25 comments:

Xenia said...

Ouchie. I do have to admire your restraint with the cursing though. I would not be so polite. Hope you feel better soon.

Amanda said...

Oh my gosh! I was annoyed because 1 road was closed this morning...geez way to put me in my place. I hope you heal up quickly!

Viper said...

This post really cries out for some sort of Animal Planet-esque wounded animal YouTube. Not that your prose wasn't visually stimulating. Get that back de-monkeyed and have a good holiday.

Viv said...

I am sorry if I would known it was you I would have slowed down the 'burban. I was late taking the kid to soccer practice.

That really does sucketh. I hope the weekend gets ya back to feeling good.

nwgdc said...

excellent use of flaccid. be careful holding up your creative sign this weekend...we don't need any further damage to your inner gazelle.

Non-Runner Nancy said...

Yeah, I've only ever heard flaccid used one way and I don't think it involved a parachute.

One bad choice does a lot of trouble make. So so sorry. Feel better soon.

Vanilla said...

What you need is lots of ice: a Margarita on ice, Scotch on the rocks etc. What better time for this than Memorial Day Weekend.

Get better soon.

Marcy said...

Good thing I'm not the only dirty perv in the building (*cough* Nancy *cough* Nic) because I've only seen next to one other word . . . . .

Dude, that totally sucks. I hope you heal up real quick :-)

Marcy said...

Sorry I meant to say "because I've only seen THAT next to one other word" BAH I'll go hide in my cave now

L*I*S*A said...

Just once please video tape your running escapades. Please.

Sorry you got your neck so outta joint. Hope it doesn't distract you too much from your sole purpose of getting me to the finish line this weekend.

Triseverance said...

Ouch that sounds like it hurts, and a swollen knee to boot, bummer. I have had that ditch jumping experience many times as a child, jumping creeks and ditches only to come up short and ending up in my case generally with a nice "soaker" as my more athletic friends rolled in the grass laughing at my sorry ass.

Kevin said...

Missed it by that much...Ouch that hurts. Feel better dude

aham23 said...

damn you evil little monkeys!!

KimsRunning said...

Awwww.....sorry you're sore, injuries bite, huh?

Get well soon!!!

Lily on the Road said...

Dang, that sounds like one evil run mister.

Hope your monkey gets off your back quickly so you can enjoy your Memorial Weekend....

Get better soon....

Tall Girl Running said...

I would wager to guess gazelles have their share of monkeys hanging on their backs from time to time.

Brian said...

It's the runs like that, that make the easy ones easy.
If nothing else your better for it.

Great job with your blog.

-Brian

*aron* said...

ohhh no!!! ouch that does not sound fun :( hope you feel better! and hope they fix the sidewalk asap.

MissAllycat said...

If Vanilla's "ice" method (whoa, didn't even mean that in the Ice, Ice Baby way) doesn't work to get that monkey off your back - try MissAllycat's patented VITALS method:

Vicodin
Ice
TV
Alcohol
Lunesta
Sleep

Lisa - Slow & Steady said...

Found your blog through comments on another. This post made me laugh, partly because I can relate. Similar thing happened on one of my favorite bike routes last week

What the font?!?! Who's tearing up the raod and...HEY...get away from me with that tractor.

thebets said...

You should go back and whack one of the run ruiners with one of their shovels...maybe that will get the monkey off your back. Totally kidding...spending some time in jail for "hitting a road worker" would also put a damper on your training schedule.

Mir said...

Wow, I hope your neck and your knee are okay. How dare those construction people mess with your route? The least they could have done is ask your permission first. Hmph.

Anonymous said...

It's never good when yer late to the party as I am and it hath all been said and far more humorously.

Here's hoping your healing this long weekend.

MizFit

Betsy said...

I hurt my neck on a distressingly regular basis, but usually doing something far less cool than running. For example, falling asleep on the couch watching Charlotte's Web with my kid.

Frayed Laces said...

Love the 360 All-clear to fart reference. Although, now that your neck is hurt, I'm sure that impedes your motion. Should you put out a press release for people to avoid running behind you for the next few days?