Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Where's My Taper?

One of the most beloved time periods in any runner’s half or full marathon training plan is, of course, The Taper. That blessed two week time period leading into the race where you pull back on mileage, rest weary muscles, recover strength, become increasingly agitated, and fear every individual Dorito will add 10 lbs to the back of your neck and decrease your pace by 30 seconds a mile. A whole bag of Doritos during taper? Well, you might as well spit at the running gods and run in a cotton t-shirt and jean short cutoffs without body glide.

I love my tapers. But I’m not training for a marathon or even a half marathon. It’s 5k time around these parts. June was the month for 5k training. July is the month for 5k racing. I have three 5k’s planned over a 4 weekend time period beginning July 11th. Three cracks at my SOS2 goal of sub 18 minutes. I must have been smoking crack when I set that goal because it seems like an awfully long way to go from where I’m at now.

My first 5k is in 2 ½ weeks. Normally, this weekend would mark the beginning of taper - if I was training for a marathon. But there is no taper in 5k training. That’s not entirely true. Two days before the race, I’ll probably exchange my hard Thursday run for an easy run but what kind of taper is that? I can’t work up nearly enough fear, doubt, and self pity in 48 hours to make it worthwhile. What’s a taper without a few new neuroses to over analyze?

I’m feeling marginally confident that a 5k PR may be set. At least, my 800 interval times are better at this point than they were a year ago. But I still have another 2 weeks to ponder a list of reasons why my training times are giving me a false positive. Viper seems to have the market cornered on big red FAILS for track intervals but mine haven’t been exactly where I want them either. Remember, I’m the arrogant, boastful blogger so you understand I can’t liter my blog with FAILS all over the place, right? (It would look equally awkward if Viper had a bunch of big red SUCCESSes on his blog.)

So, the next two weeks I will be untapering. More intervals. More mile repeats. More fist shaking anger at the headwind coming around turn 3. More pain all the way to race day. And, hopefully, very few reasons to believe there is a false positive.

Amy and Jess might be birthing real babies. I’m just hoping to birth a healthy, happy 5k. I plan to name him Pee-Are and I’ll thankyouverymuch to be respectful towards his name lest you want to give him a neurosis.

Happy trails.
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Banned on the Run

As you’ve probably already heard, there is a new podcast in town. I’ve linked to it on the sidebar in case you are lazy and, maybe, just a little stupid and haven’t done so already. Vanilla, Amy, RazZ, and I hope to make these a regular occurrence. And, trust me, they’ll get better at them over time. You’ve heard the slogan ‘when you reach rock bottom, there is only one way to go’ right? Well, the arrows are pointing…UP!

This show features a riveting discussion on Speed 2 and Jason Patric starring roles. Topical! Also, a mid show golden shower is always entertaining…

Leave your comments over at the Banned on the Run site as well as any topic ideas or email questions. We may respond to your question in a future podcast. You may not like the answer. Most likely, we will respond by outright mocking you. But it is all done in good fun. Mostly. Sometimes, we just might really think you are an a-hole and your question sucks. You be the judge.
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What has two thumbs and ran early this morning? THIS GUY! (I don't know if that works in this media format.) 5x800 in the sweltering, humid early morning heat. Average pace for each interval was 2:55. Again, my goal is 2:50 but considering I was sweating like Pauly Shore at a Hamlet audition, it went alright. But, look at me! I ran IN THE MORNING!

20 comments:

Jamoosh said...

The podcast was good although shouldn't there be a content disclaimer at the beginning?

Also, you can only wear cutoff jean shorts if you go commando. And let me know what race this will occur in because I want to be at least three states away...

Xenia said...

SUCCESS is too long a word. WIN is more succinct.

Good luck with the non-taper. Does this mean you won't worry about inhaling an entire bag of Doritos in one sitting since you aren't decreasing intensity or mileage?

Roisin said...

That Pauly Shore comment made me spit out my water. Thanks.

Marlene said...

Damn, I was hoping you were going to tell me I could start tapering for my July 11th 5K. I won't be seeing anything close to 18 minutes, but a PR would be nice.

Woohoo, morning runner! Don't you feel so hardcore when you're out there hitting the streets before anyone else has had their morning twinkie?

Lauren said...

I'm sure you can work up some neuroses in 48 hours. This is the summer of speed, right? Your doubts have to get faster too.

X-Country2 said...

I can whip myself into a good drama queen fit in less than 5 minutes. You can't do it in 48 HOURS? Pft, amateur.

Vanilla said...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you mean there's no tapering for a 5K? That's just another one of your jokes that I don't get, right?

Viper said...

I just always assumed the FAILs on your blog. I don't need you to point them out.

Jess said...

Yeah, stupid 5Ks--no real taper and the Doritos still add 10 lbs.

Jessica said...

I saw a guy running in jean shorts the other day, but he was also wearing a large amount of jewelry for a man, so go figure. Good luck on SOS2, those are some fast 800's!!

I Run for Fun said...

What? You don't taer for 5K's? I thought the only good thing about racing is the tapering!

aron said...

just saw that episode of the office last night :)

have fun untapering! i personally hate taper, maybe i should stick to training for 5ks :)

RazZDoodle said...

running in the morning. what an idea. Maybe *I* should try that.

Lily on the Road said...

Only Xenia could put success and succinct in the same sentence.

And yes, I hate that little fatty lump on the base of my neck caused by eating Dorito's...gah!

Taper away I won't tell anyone.

Vava said...

What's up with that headwind on the last turn?! The couple of times I've run intervals I had the exact same experience. Perhaps that's just the way it's supposed to me in case intervals aren't hard enough already. I hope you have a great July of racing, and I suspect your times will be impressive indeed. I'll be cheering virtually for a 17-something finish for sure!

Jess said...

Haha enjoy your untaper!

Maggs said...

You know if you had a taper you'd be complaining about being antsy and wanting to run. 2 days is the perfect taper if you ask me.

Serious Running: Chris Barber said...

What are you talking about?! I run every race in jean shorts, or jhorts! No cotton T-shirt though, that's just ridiculous. I run shirtless. That way I can show off my tattoo and scars.

Adam said...

I complained to razz and I'll complain to you (about the podcast). iTUNES!!!????

NEWSPAPER!

sRod said...

Sweating like Pauly Shore at a Hamlet audition? Fantastic.

The only problem is that Pauly Shore is obviously oblivious to his lack of acting talent. Otherwise we would have never been cursed with Bio-Dome or In the Army Now