Friday, June 12, 2009

Mrs. Nitmos 12, Treadmill 1

Since I previously reported that Mrs. Nitmos had been soundly defeated in her first match with the treadmill, I felt she was owed a public update. You’ll recall that in her first experience, she wound up jetting into the wall behind in a crumpled heap with my mp3 player bouncing to a rest several feet away. If you don’t recall this, we’ll wait while you click the link and refresh your memory.

After Mrs. Nitmos read this, she was highly amused. She got this weird grin on her face and just kept staring and staring at me and asking me things like “ever hear of Lorena Bobbitt?” (Answer: No. Is she a successful treadmiller?) and “have you ever been set on fire in your sleep?” To be honest, I didn’t find it quite as funny as my uneasy laugh conveyed. It was a bit unnerving really. Usually I find self-immolation hilarious too. Non-self immolation? Not as funny.

Sadly, she reminded me – after that last incident – that I forgot the single funniest part of the treadmill pwning: her pants had become tangled on the treadmill handlebar causing her to hang awkwardly off on one foot for a brief moment before the complete and total ejection. I will say again: where’s a closed circuit video camera when you need it?! And how could I have missed this part of the tale in its retelling? It sounds like the only thing missing was someone going whup whup whup nyuk nyuk nyuk during the event. Oh, wait, I was doing that.

She’s been back to the gym many times since then. Not once has she ended up slamming into the wall behind in a hilariously comedic tumble. In fact, I’m pretty proud of her. Without any goading from me, she’s even started running a few miles on the mill. She’s doing this all on her own. Sure I make little tsk tsk sounds and critique her stride, overall form, and hydration technique all the while staring at a stopwatch to measure pace but what else would you expect? Since starting several weeks back, she’s knocked several minutes off her per mile pace. Snot rocketing? A work in progress.

There’s even been talk of Mrs. Nitmos and I, along with some others, joining together to run the Detroit Marathon 5 person relay this fall. How cool would that be? I could once again display my majestic stride in a public forum. And Mrs. Nitmos would be safe from reverse mid stride ejection while on an immobile asphalt footing. A win-win.

Go, Mrs. Nitmos, go! You’re the next Lorena Bobbitt! (Am I referencing this correctly?)

Wanna Hear Something Gross?

Since the internet seems to be awash with mimicry, I thought I’d try out a new, completely unique feature called Wanna Hear Something Gross? Of course, by “hear” I mean “read”. You get that, right? This feature is sure to appear semi-regularly and completely without warning. Kinda like my spastic colon.

My kids are going to summer camps now that school is out. At the end of each camp, they get to swim at a public pool. Now, we’ve warned them many times not to touch anything with their exposed skin or we’ll cheese grater it off when they get home. The motto is You touch it, you lose it.

So, my daughter and I are sitting on the recliner last night reading another chapter in the Junie B. Jones series. She had just gotten out of the shower. Her hair is still a little wet but smells like fresh lilacs just as the shampoo promised. While reading, she reaches down and pulls a Band-Aid off the bottom of her foot. No big deal. Band-Aids are designed to come off. Except, we didn’t put one on her. She had no cut. This is the point where she remembers, hey, there was a Band-Aid next to the pool. I must have stepped on it. And there was blood on it.

After several minutes of dry heaving, I went for the cheese grater.

Have a great weekend!

26 comments:

Irene said...

Even though my kids did the swim team thing when they were younger, practicing 5 days a week and competing on Saturdays, I still think a lot of public pools can be pretty gross.

The band-aid... Ewwwwwww!

Vanilla said...

I'm so glad I'm not reading this at lunch time. Used bandaids at the pool are disgusting.

Have a good weekend.

tfh said...

I hope the "others" you've been recruiting to join your marathon relay include the kids-- you know, all part of being a good father and all, although at that age, they should be running fulls. But hey! You and Mrs. Nitmos! That should be fun. Just make sure she doesn't have any matches on her.

RazZDoodle said...

So, you're going to run a relay now?

DO YOU HAVE AN ORIGINAL IDEA IN THAT SKULL OF YOURS?

Jamoosh said...

Not gross, but funny because it's not happening to me.

Irish Cream said...

GAG. Yet another reason I'm not sure I can have kids . . . thanks for the free birth control!

Ace said...

unnnggghhhhhh public pool sanitation stories....ftl

Marlene said...

Oh god, that's disgusting! I agree with the cheese grater rule COMPLETELY. Public pools scare me.


Go Mrs. Nitmos!!!

Viper said...

You should have made her eat the bandaid. That'd teach her!

AKA Alice said...

Damn...I'm gonna have to rethink my "swimming in a pool might be better than swimming in the ocean" theory.

Naw...I'll take disgusting over sharks any day.

Yay to Mrs. Nitmos for conquering the 'mill.

X-Country2 said...

There are so many chemicals in pool, she's probably fine. Assuming she stepped on the band-aid on the way into the water instead of out.

GeorgiaSnail said...

Why is everyone so down on public pools? I have been drinking the water ever since I was a kid and I turned out fine. Me and my six toes...

Xenia said...

Ah, kids. What doesn't kill them just sends them to the emergency room with hepatitis.

Roisin said...

I'm happy to see that Mrs. Nitmos has evened the score. Or demolished, more likely.

BrianFlash said...

Laughing so much about the treadmill incident made me completely miss the public pool slander...

Running and living said...

Careful, Mrs. Nitmos might get to be faster than you...you know women are tougher:)
Ana-Maria

Blyfinn said...

Can you get pool syphilis? I a buddy of mine had that. I think it's contacted by sharing household furniture.

aron said...

Go Mrs. Nitmos! One of these times when I can talk myself out of running the entire marathon on my own I really want to do a relay one! They sound so fun :)

And the bandaid? YUCK I hope that wasn't really true... *gagging*

John at Hella Sound said...

HURRAY MRS. NITMOS!!!

theloosemoose said...

Were you reading Junie B. Jones and the Dirty, Nasty Bandaid? 'Cause that's a classic. I believe that's the one where Junie B. and that Grace chase Crybaby William with used and dripping bandaids while Lucille distracts Mrs.

Speaking of "Mrs.", YAY to Mrs. Nitmos!!!

Leslie said...

Well I guess finding a used bandaid is better than finding a used condom at a public pool...

BTW...congrats to Mrs. Nitmos!

joyRuN said...

Ah, Mrs. Nitmos. Please have her pass along any snot rocketing tips to yours truly when she conquers that skill. Nearly a year later, & I'm STILL a fail at that.

Honestly, with all the crap these kids come home with, that nasty band-aid seems... well, benign at this point.

Al's CL Reviews said...

Ew about the bandaid.

Adam said...

If you say that, while holding on to the stopwatch and critiquing the Mrs, you are also wearing a track suit and a fuzzy headband Rocky style…. I can promise you that I will pee my pants in laughter.

How the crap do you give your daughter a bath and not wash her feet!? Instead of “feet meet street” this blog should now be called ‘feet meet soap’. :)

Jess said...

Awesome job, Mrs. Nitmos! This post gives me hope that someday I will turn my future spouse into a runner so that he doesn't divorce me because of my neurotic runner tendencies.

Robin said...

Thanks for grossing me out - I eagerly look forward to the next entry! I think you should add an icon like movie reviews do but instead of stars, come up with something to rate the ewww factor!