Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Vanilla Hates America

Ghandi had his critics too. I believe they were called “the English.” I’m not comparing myself to Ghandi - despite his impressive record of accomplishments, I’m better looking – but we do share something in common: Persecution by an Englishman.

I don’t know what started the whole flap F.M.S. has going with Half-Fast these days. Like most of you probably assume, I’m the innocent victim of an unprovoked attack. It appears that Vanilla has taken my “words” and interpreted them “literally” to mean exactly what I “meant” to say. Figures. I would expect nothing less from that guy. If you can’t count on someone to misunderstand perfectly worded sarcasm, what can you count on?

I was on my flight to lower Cameroon to bring internet access to nippleless Cameroonian orphans* when I was texted the news of the shameful Vanillian attack on yours truly. By the time we landed, I was in a full panic thinking about the possibility that the orphans, recently connected through a rudimentary dial-up connection, might have stumbled upon Half-Fast and been mind poisoned by his truthfully slanderous comments. I rushed to rip the phone line from the 56k coconut tree.

Too late. I could see from their tear-filled orphan eyes that, besides the whole missing mother and father thing, they had just been handed their worst swift, bloggy punch to their foodless guts.**

“Why does Mr. Vanilla hate you St. Nitmos?” Frung-nuk clucked in Cameroonish.
“Is his heart blackened by all the Pandas he waterboards?” asked Wani-luk.
“Vanilla used to be my favorite baking extract but now…now…it’s chocolate.” sobbed Nitmette.***

I promised the children that my work would go on. Of course, it’d be more difficult and slower now due to the time needed to defend myself from Vanilla’s mean-spirited, llama-esque attacks. Once dial-up is established, we were going to work on high speed….and then wireless. Followed by nipple-forming plastic surgery. And then planting crops for food. Now, it’ll be doubtful if we can get the wireless established before starvation kicks in. Forget even about the nipples. Nice going Vanilla!

As I sat on my nippleless Cameroonian orphan chair, drumming my fingers on the foreheads of the two designated armrest orphans, I considered the best way to respond. I could engage in childish name calling and match fire with fire (dickwad? toolbag? really?). I could turn the other cheek, demand an unwarranted apology, and engage in an attention seeking hunger strike. Or I could respond by placing myself even further on a pedestal (can you all even see my feet anymore?) and make thinly veiled potshots all the while attempting to appear high minded and above the fray. I chose the latter two. Except, I won’t be doing the hunger strike, per se. The orphans will handle that. They’re used to it.

I definitely won’t be engaging in name calling either. That’s too, I don’t know, English somehow. Instead, I thought I’d dangle an olive branch in an attempt to bring this whole kerfuffle to a resolution. We must have common ground. It’s just a matter of finding it. Hmmm, let’s see…

Nitmos likes…

America. Born here, raised here. Looks up to George Washington.

Vanilla likes…

England. Born there, raised there. Thinks Benedict Arnold is a “team player.”

Nitmos likes…

Helping orphans through computer networking and basic furniture creation education.

Vanilla likes…

Depriving orphans of basic needs. And wearing Panda skin suits.

Nitmos likes…

Doing his part for the national and world betterment through important volunteerism.

Vanilla likes…

His career in the world economy strangling banking industry. Finds your depreciating home values “funny.”

Nitmos likes…

Cuddling puppies and kittens.

Vanilla likes…

Punting puppies and kittens for height and distance.

Well, I’ll have to continue to make a list because clearly there’s still no common ground. I’ll keep trying. I’ll keep to the high road. My new motto is “I’ve never made persecution look so good!”

I suggest you visit Half-Fast and let Vanilla know how much you like George Washington also and ask why Vanilla, the banker, hates America. For my Canadian friends, I say “Go Team North America!” High five!

Now back to constructing my wholly original post – in my unique bullet point style – about my latest weekend escapades…Run well and drink well.

Happy trails.

* Carrying forward the work of Ghandi
** Oh, yeah, they are hungry too. One thing at a time people.
*** Don’t ask.

26 comments:

Jamoosh said...

Ahh, the life of an "icon." I don't know what's worse, being sullied on Half-fast or the National Enquirer.

Xenia said...

Love. This.

I won't even take umbrage with you bashing England since I do it frequently myself even though I kinda like it here.

X-Country2 said...

Okay, NOW it's on. This is what I want to read. Well played, Nitmos. Well played.

Marlene said...

TEAM NITMOS!

Lauren said...

Ooh. Those bankers laughing at our depreciating home values. I guess I'm switching to chocolate ice cream. Keep up the fight Nitmos!

Vanilla said...

You've gone too far this time. I can handle the slanderous lies, I can put up with the low down dirty falsehoods that you continually perpetuate, but you crossed a line when you called me English. You rat bastard! I was born in the USA! (In fact, the boss actually wrote that song for me for just such an occasion.)

nwgdc said...

I'm pretty sure there's evidence of him also wearing Gorilla Skin during some race last year.
And now Pandas?
He's more vicious than I realized.

tfh said...

Ah, yes, satyagraha at it's best.

Viper said...

You un-wholly unoriginal bastard! If you're going to steal my line, at least buy me a shot.

Irish Cream said...

Wow, so let me get this straight. You somehow managed to work patriotism, orphans, pandas, puppies and kittens in there? That's going to be MIGHTY difficult to rebound from, if I do say so myself . . .

Lily on the Road said...

Nitmette.*** Don't ask??? Excuse me, are you telling me you've had a Cameroonian child out of wedlock and left it as an orphan?

as for the mean spirited llama, I'm not familiar with Vanilla, but really, the poor llama and panda, if he is as much of a rotten plonker you've attested too, well then bash away!!

LMAO

Chad in the AZ Desert said...

Unprovoked attacks and name calling?

That just sounds like Tuesday to me.

Mike said...

When you wrote "Ghandi" I thought you had misspelled "Gandhi," but after reading about your altruistic techno work in Cameroon, I'm convinced you actually meant Dr. Mohammad Mahdi Ghandi, famed author of "A lagrangian optimized rate control algorithm for the H.264/AVC encoder."

Or maybe you meant "Candy had his critics."

Robin said...

time to get the t-shirts made for team nitmos/team vanilla!

Kristina said...

I was going to stay out of it until Vanilla mentioned Bruce wrote a song for him. We just don't involve Bruce in our petty arguments, boys. There are some lines we just don't cross.

M2Marathon said...

Thanks for the tip; I've always wondered where to abandon my chilren, where they will be most likely not to escape from and come back to me. Cameroon it is! (and they make quite a delicious cookie, from what I hear)

RazZDoodle said...

Don't drag me down into this little slapfest between you two girls. I've got enough issues of my own.

John at Hella Sound said...

How can I even comment on this post? (I love the use of "banker" as a slur.) Or some of the resulting comments?!? ("Don't drag me down into this little slapfest between you two girls" is as funny as the cross-post bicker between you guys.)

I guess the best thing I can do is Stumble both and let your battle play out to unsuspecting StumbleUponers. Someday you'll look back on this battle fondly...once the emotional wounds have healed.

Running and living said...

Hmm, a bloggy feud with sarcasm and witty comments....I'll be back for more:) Ana-Maria

Blyfinn said...

That was excellently played.

Coachhrd said...

May I contribute a cat to the punting contest?

Betsy said...

You are like Angelina Jolie, only a faster runner.

Ace said...

If punting the puppies and kittens results in lower interest rates, I'm all for it.

Adam said...

I'm not saying that I do. But I might know a guy, who specializes in making 'accidents' happen. You know, accidents happen all the time.... One minute you are walking down the street, the next minute a brick falls on your head. lol - love the post.

theloosemoose said...

Niiiice!!! This is the funniest post I've ever read.

sRod said...

Wow--where do you get this stuff from???