Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Announcing: Summer of Speed II

Now open for business!

If there is one thing I know, it’s never to meddle with a good thing. Keep beating it into the ground until folks want to whack you with a sack full of baby kittens. Thus, I’m compelled to name this summer’s planned, grueling speed sessions the Summer of Speed II (SOS2). If the slogan looks familiar, it’s because last year was the Summer of Speed (I, implied). See? Keep on pounding. I’m like the Dana Carvey of summer running slogans: No joke is too old or tired. Have you ever heard me make a llama joke? Check back in 2017, you’ll here another. Isn’t that special?

Last year, I promised to win age group awards to hug and caress and name the same as my two kids. I did that. I now have a medal and a coffee mug named after my kids. In turn, my kids are now named Cheap Medal and Coffee Mug. My colt, Cheap, refuses to answer to his name but little Coffee-y has a few extra scoops of sugar for the both. (Can I get a rim shot here?) While it’s weird having inanimate objects named after my kids, it’s even weirder trying to carry on a conversation with them. There’s only so many times you can say “You look great today!” without getting any kind of a response, you know?

So what am I after this summer? More mute, standoffish age group awards? Maybe a little something – other than the usual - falling from my anus? Dairy this time? Frozen treats? Nah, I’ll stick with traditional time goals. For now.

GOALS:

5k goal: Sub 18:00
10k goal: Sub 40:00 (and actually run one for the first time ever!)
Half Marathon: Sub 1:29 (oh, also actually run one competitively - WDW Goofy doesn’t count.)

HOW DO I GET THERE?

Run. Run hard. Run often. Threaten things.

MORE DETAILS FOR HOW DO I GET THERE?

1) Lose the Cheeto Layer.
2) Quit job. Leave Mrs. Nitmos and the kids. Live in tent in the park near track.
3) 800’s on Tuesday.
4) Tempo run Thursday.
5) Mile repeats Saturday.
6) Long run Sunday.
7) Repeat, building number of intervals.
8) After a few weeks, beg to return home to Mrs. Nitmos due to lice and squirrel rabies.
9) Retrieve age group medals from garbage bin.
10) Make inflammatory and threatening comments about bald eagles.
11) Explain comments to FBI.
12) Move age group awards into Cheap and Coffee’s room.
13) Continue weekly running schedule.
14) After massive argument, return Cheap Medal and Coffee Mug to their bedrooms and move age group awards back to well-dusted and polished shelf.
15) Turn up the heat on the 800’s and mile repeats to push faster and faster until sessions end in a pile of track side vomit.
16) Make quixotic statements about Captain Stuebing, from The Love Boat, being the messiah to people at the grocery store check out line.
17) Get really into the color orange for awhile.
18) Fight a bear.
19) Make sure there are incremental improvements over every single month in speed/ intervals/overall distance according to my running log.
20) Realize the situation is untenable, find foster parents for age group awards once Mrs. Nitmos makes it clear that Cheap and Coffee are going nowhere.
21) Return to park with poison laced acorns for the rabid squirrels.
22) Kick ass on race day.

See? Simple, easy 22 step process that anyone can do. No one gets killed. Very few get maimed. Some feelings are hurt but time – and age group awards - heals all wounds. Ever see anyone with a Mr. Sad Face while polishing their Hicksville USA Race for the (Important Local Charity) 5k medal? Didn’t think so.

Sometimes I find it easiest to remember things by using an acronym. So, here’s the easy to remember acronym for my patented 22 step process: LQ8TMLRARMEMCATMGFMRRK. You may modify it slightly to tailor it to your individual needs, however, do not remove the position of the bear fight at #18. This is very, very important and will become obvious as you go through the process.

The plan is in place. Now I just have to execute it.

I expect to get faster. This makes me excited.

Schwing!! (Excellent, Party time)

Happy trails.

28 comments:

Sun Runner said...

Consider doing the Dexter-Ann Arbor 10K (Sunday, May 31) for a "soft" 10K PR which you can squash like a bug later on and feel good about yourself for doing so.

I'm going to be doing the DxA2 10K in order to kill my 10K PR which has far too many zeroes and one too many fives. 50:00. It's been haunting me for a year!!

Xenia said...

The acronym SOS is so appropriate. Mrs Nitmos and the kids will be tapping that out in Morse code the whole summer.

Good luck in your quest. It is infinitely more daring than mine. Especially #16.

tfh said...

I'm confused-- no where on your list is the step of comparing past results of every local race in existence, combing them for easy age group wins...of all these steps, I think I'd prefer to replace the mile repeats with that.

Spike said...

because I'm in your hood, I'll be there to film the bear fight. I will also be selling tickets to the event. I also think we should actually start a Hicksville USA Important Local Charity 5K race…think about it, medals with spinners on ‘em.

Marlene said...

You've never run a 10K? Or raced a half?! THose are such fun distances to race... enjoy!

Vava said...

Hmm. I guess I'm not the only one who muses about changing my kids' names. The other night, when reading about Farrah Fawcett, I told my wife that we should change our last name to Fawcett. Then we could rename our kids "Leaky" and "Drippy", with amusing results for years to come...

Roisin said...

I am definitely all about the bear fight.

Blyfinn said...

I hate rabid squirrels. Can I borrow some of those acorns midway through summer?

Lily on the Road said...

What can I say that hasn't been said before, Mrs. Nitmos, you are truly an angel....

Irish Cream said...

Hmm, I'm thinking you might want to keep the Cheeto layer until AFTER the bear fight--might serve as extra protection for your vital organs . . .

Lauren said...

Read my lips, Never fight a bear when you're wearing orange. Only bad things can happen.

Al's CL Reviews said...

Am I the only one that found the mention of little Coffee-y and rim shot in the same sentence to be disturbing?

Mike said...

Here's a bear for you to fight:

http://www.neatorama.com/2006/09/28/worlds-smallest-teddy-bear/

Kristina said...

I got a $15 amazon gift card for my age group award a few weeks ago. I'm going to buy a trophy.

Vanilla said...

I once had a bear fight. I had dropped my towel in the locker room and this guy walks over to me... wait... Oh, you meant a fight with a bear. Sorry.

Viper said...

I hope bald eagles peck out your eyeballs. Please get photos.

Spartan7 said...

I'm on step 2, as my O.C.D. for running is driving a wedge between Household-6 and I. Should I get to run the WDW Race for the Taste 10K (to recon the end of the marathon course with fresh eyes) or should she, who won't do the Goofy with me, get to run it. The answer is clear ... leave the kids locked up overnight at a theme park and we both race it!
It's October in FL, they'll be fine!

joyRuN said...

Steps 1 through 22 duly noted. I don't think I really want to replicate every single one exactly, but I'm all for getting fast-ish.

Chad in the AZ Desert said...

"my patented 22 step process: LQ8TMLRARMEMCATMGFMRRK"
-------------

LOL! I love it. You need to put that on a t-shirt for your first race.

aron said...

yay i love summer of speed :)

that acronym reminds me of the michael scott 5k - if you watch the office.

Ted said...

Can you be more specific about #18 - Fight a Bear?? Please do give out explicit details on how you will meet your objective.

Sounds like a good plan!

Velma said...

I guess I will have to do my speedwork at the zoo, so I can fight a bear. Either that or stay my same lazy ass slow self. Tough choices.

aham23 said...

SOS2. classic FMS right there. good stuff.

Beth said...

Is there a 22 step process for losing the Cheeto Layer? I'm guessing people would pay good money for that. Good Luck!

Ace said...

Whoah, Dana Carvey "reportedly" ran a 3:04 marathon, so this SOS thing is already paying off. Plus #10 will be even more effective if you do it in Grumpy Old Man voice....

theloosemoose said...

This is clearly a well devised plan. Your success is guaranteed.

sRod said...

...a few things:

1. It's hear, not here
2. Someone does get killed: those poisoned acorns have a purpose (and don't tell me they're just laced with ipecac, if you're going to poison something death is the implied end goal)
3. This is some funny shit

Viv said...

If you get any faster you would run on engine fuel.