Now open for business!
If there is one thing I know, it’s never to meddle with a good thing. Keep beating it into the ground until folks want to whack you with a sack full of baby kittens. Thus, I’m compelled to name this summer’s planned, grueling speed sessions the Summer of Speed II (SOS2). If the slogan looks familiar, it’s because last year was the Summer of Speed (I, implied). See? Keep on pounding. I’m like the Dana Carvey of summer running slogans: No joke is too old or tired. Have you ever heard me make a llama joke? Check back in 2017, you’ll here another. Isn’t that special?
Last year, I promised to win age group awards to hug and caress and name the same as my two kids. I did that. I now have a medal and a coffee mug named after my kids. In turn, my kids are now named Cheap Medal and Coffee Mug. My colt, Cheap, refuses to answer to his name but little Coffee-y has a few extra scoops of sugar for the both. (Can I get a rim shot here?) While it’s weird having inanimate objects named after my kids, it’s even weirder trying to carry on a conversation with them. There’s only so many times you can say “You look great today!” without getting any kind of a response, you know?
So what am I after this summer? More mute, standoffish age group awards? Maybe a little something – other than the usual - falling from my anus? Dairy this time? Frozen treats? Nah, I’ll stick with traditional time goals. For now.
5k goal: Sub 18:00
10k goal: Sub 40:00 (and actually run one for the first time ever!)
Half Marathon: Sub 1:29 (oh, also actually run one competitively - WDW Goofy doesn’t count.)
HOW DO I GET THERE?
Run. Run hard. Run often. Threaten things.
MORE DETAILS FOR HOW DO I GET THERE?
1) Lose the Cheeto Layer.
2) Quit job. Leave Mrs. Nitmos and the kids. Live in tent in the park near track.
3) 800’s on Tuesday.
4) Tempo run Thursday.
5) Mile repeats Saturday.
6) Long run Sunday.
7) Repeat, building number of intervals.
8) After a few weeks, beg to return home to Mrs. Nitmos due to lice and squirrel rabies.
9) Retrieve age group medals from garbage bin.
10) Make inflammatory and threatening comments about bald eagles.
11) Explain comments to FBI.
12) Move age group awards into Cheap and Coffee’s room.
13) Continue weekly running schedule.
14) After massive argument, return Cheap Medal and Coffee Mug to their bedrooms and move age group awards back to well-dusted and polished shelf.
15) Turn up the heat on the 800’s and mile repeats to push faster and faster until sessions end in a pile of track side vomit.
16) Make quixotic statements about Captain Stuebing, from The Love Boat, being the messiah to people at the grocery store check out line.
17) Get really into the color orange for awhile.
18) Fight a bear.
19) Make sure there are incremental improvements over every single month in speed/ intervals/overall distance according to my running log.
20) Realize the situation is untenable, find foster parents for age group awards once Mrs. Nitmos makes it clear that Cheap and Coffee are going nowhere.
21) Return to park with poison laced acorns for the rabid squirrels.
22) Kick ass on race day.
See? Simple, easy 22 step process that anyone can do. No one gets killed. Very few get maimed. Some feelings are hurt but time – and age group awards - heals all wounds. Ever see anyone with a Mr. Sad Face while polishing their Hicksville USA Race for the (Important Local Charity) 5k medal? Didn’t think so.
Sometimes I find it easiest to remember things by using an acronym. So, here’s the easy to remember acronym for my patented 22 step process: LQ8TMLRARMEMCATMGFMRRK. You may modify it slightly to tailor it to your individual needs, however, do not remove the position of the bear fight at #18. This is very, very important and will become obvious as you go through the process.
The plan is in place. Now I just have to execute it.
I expect to get faster. This makes me excited.
Schwing!! (Excellent, Party time)