Thursday, June 11, 2009

Slave to the Grind

Your Semi-Weekly Vanillian Attack Response:
Before our regularly scheduled post, a quick response to the weird fixation Half-Fast seems to have with all things Feet Meet Street these days. First, I’m happy that Vanilla, the banker, besides puffing stogies and gleefully observing your disappearing home equity in a plush smoke-filled office somewhere, is taking his much needed tax payer bail out money to spend the time spell checking my referenced historical figures. Try this one: Charles Keating, banker. Did I get it right this time? And for good measure, I’ll throw another disgraced historical figure reference at you: Dick Nixon. Nixon once infamously stated that “when the president does it, that means that it is not illegal.” Applied here, when Nitmos spells it that way, it means it is not incorrect. I might be clothing myself in a mismatched Ghandi (yes, I said Ghandi) – Nixon cheap analogous suit but you are still walking around under a panda carcass pal. And everyone knows skinned, suited pandas aren’t moisture wicking. Score!

Now, on with the show…

My dominatrix training schedule has me tied up doggy style with a big red ball in my mouth. It’s been beating me in the rear with a riding crop and forcing me to call it Daddy. I’m slavishly hitting my Tuesday 800’s, Thursday tempo runs, Saturday 400’s and Sunday long runs in pursuit of my SOS2 goals. The schedule says to do it so I do it. The pain feels sooo good.

And now my knees hate me. Specifically, my MCL’s are pissed. Just for good measure, I think I have a spate of runner’s knee also. Fortunately, everything I read about runner’s knee is that there is not much to do about it other than R.I.C.E and stop slavishly following a training plan. Well, one out of two ain’t bad. Since I usually have a day’s rest between runs, I’m able to revive the knees just in time to destroy them again at the next scheduled track session. Then, I RICE ‘em again that night. What? Where are the holes in this plan?

Recently, though, it has gotten pretty bad. After back to back days of hard runs, Mrs. Nitmos and I took the kids to see Up on Sunday. I took one look at the long flight of theater stairs we were to climb and felt immediately Hugh Hefnerian. Up I went….slowly, painfully. Down I went for popcorn…slowly, painfully. Then back up to watch a cartoon about a spry old man who drags his house, with balloons, to South America when I wasn’t even sure I could drag my 38 year old ass back down the stairs again. I’d be happy with a balloon ride out to the parking lot. (Sidebar: Up was good. It’s probably my favorite balloon-carrying-a-household-object movie since Danny Deckchair.)

On Monday, my knees were still burning with fire so I decided to unshackle the chains and take a break from the training schedule. Tuesday? Nothing. No 800’s. Just me, Mrs. Nitmos, an evening watching my colt win his soccer league, and a late evening complaining to the cable company (Comcast) about their crappy cable (Comcast) and how it went out with seven minutes to go in game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals (or, as I call it, being “Comcasted.”)*

I enjoyed the extra day break. I enjoyed it too much. I felt guilty so I returned to Mistress Training Schedule last night when I probably could have used a longer break. And she was pissed. I only did 4 x 800 but the last two felt like Mistress T.S. had me saddled up and furiously beating my haunches with the crop like Mine That Bird in the homestretch at the Kentucky Derby.** 800’s? 2:48, 2:53, 3:00 (who’s your daddy?), 3:00 (I said, who’s your daddy?) Horrible.

My goal is to average 2:50 across the intervals (roughly 5:45 mile pace) so I’m not quite there yet. But, the pain, oh, the pain felt so good. I love it a little rough. My knees are sore again. I iced them down last night again. I think I was treated rougher for taking a day off.

I’ll keep going back. I can’t quit her. However, based on where this is heading, I think we need to agree on a safe word.

Happy trails.

* I encourage all Comcast customers to complain at the first sign of trouble. They throw credits around like flying underwear at a Tom Jones concert. Or so I’ve heard.
** The gratuitous nipple pinching I did on my own. Feel the burn. Try it yourself in the last 100 meters of the final repeat.

23 comments:

Jamoosh said...

I didn't necessarily listen to the pain in my knee - it's been a year and a half since I have run.

Kristina said...

It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who makes analogies between hard core training and S&M. My safe word is "yoga," incidentally, and my knees appreciate when I say it.

tfh said...

Oh, crap. Not the knees. Maybe this is Ghod punishing you? Do you think a concessionary word to Vanilla would make it all stop?

Vanilla said...

I was looking for a way to make fun of you here in your comments but really, what more can you say to someone who admits to being tied up doggy style with big red ball in his mouth?

Roisin said...

Just be careful with all that leather. I've heard it causes chafing.

Running and living said...

I, too, have runner's knee - pain after a run, goes away by next morning. I've learned to ignore it and have done this for over 1 year. All good! Ana-Maria

sneakersister said...

I am totally digging your SOS (summer of speed) acronym. Do you mind if I use it, too?

Ace said...

As a nerdy side note, since Ghandi/Gandhi is an English (oh my!!) transliteration of the Gujarati word "મોહનદાસ કરમચંદ ગાંધી", It is sort of silly to argue about spelling...

/endliteraryobnoxiousness


Sorry to hear about the runner's knee. Please send the magical cure to me.

John at Hella Sound said...

Luckily, I ain't never had runner's knee, but I have become a huge believer in the top-down philosophy--that issues start in your hips and cascade down (as opposed to the bottom-up, issues start in the feet/shoes line of thinking). Could this be resolved with active range of motion exercises? I did a gait analysis session & had exercises recommended to me, and it was remarkably helpful.

Either that or your 'trix is having you squat in one position for too long. They'll do that sometimes, to show you who's boss.

X-Country2 said...

Sounds like someone needs some ice and drugs in their life. And just in case that wasn't clear-- FOR YOUR KNEE.

Marlene said...

Honestly, if it'll take my mind off the pain of the final 100 metres, I might be willing to try the nipple-pinching.

Keep at those intervals - providing the knees gold up - you're not far off target.

Blyfinn said...

WOW! Just the beginning of this post with the visual of you being tied up and being forced to scream Daddy I almost was asked to leave the office for laughing to loud and causing a scene. That was excellent.

Vava said...

Man, I feel your pain since I am also going through the same yo-yo act with runner's knee. And the cable fiasco is terrible, but at least you didn't have to watch the Red Wings lose. Let's hope that tomorrow night Comcast doesn't panda it's broadcast so that you can see the Red Wings hoist another Stanley Cup, this time on home ice.

Viper said...

This where I root for Pittspuke to ruin Detroit's Stanley Cup economy boost.

Irish Cream said...

Isn't it kind of hard to breathe with that ball in your mouth? Maybe THAT'S why you missed the mark in your 800s? ;)

Hang in there. And be sure to RICE that thing!

RazZDoodle said...

1) You're old. Well, at least older than ME.

2) Instead of the Panda references, you should've considered Gorilla pelts. Isn't that what they're into in the Rockies?

Not my war, though.

Chad in the AZ Desert said...

Ok, the S&M angle works pretty well, but I really don't want to hear how this all ends.

...really.

Lily on the Road said...

Just don't end up in ladies underwear & a thong and hanging in the closet. Leave the S&M to the pros, as for the knee, well what can I say since I'm in a knee brace from "not listening"....go figure....

aron said...

hopefully those knees will learn their lesson soon and just knock it off.

Robin said...

Please tell me I'm not the only poor sheltered sap that hadn't heard of danny deckchair!

Beth said...

You do realize that the R in R.I.C.E. stands for rest, eh? Sorry that your knees are sore. I agree, Comcast stinks.

Xenia said...

Thanks for the unwanted Pulp Fiction image. I'm blind now.

Good luck with your knees.

sRod said...

Damn, I'm surprised this post made it past my company's porn filters.