5k Report: Bountiful Harvest

I’m not saying I achieved my farcical goal. I’m just saying there was fruit covered in a chocolatey substance on the ground underneath my posterior when I bent down to remove my ChampionChip post race. Of course, it had been raining all morning and that could have been mud. And this was the Cherry Festival so you would expect cherries to be lying around everywhere…Still, quite a coincidence I think. Clearly, I erred in suggesting the fruit to project from my anus would be strawberries when everyone knows that chocolate covered cherries are the typical celebratory expellent.

Anyway, judging by the harvest beneath me, I was leaving a trail like a rabbit.

I achieved my race goals save one.

I did not detonate.

I disassociated my legs from my brain though the redirection to my kidneys failed. Instead, my abdomen muscles are pissed off like I tried to lift a Mack truck off a box of kittens (again).

Unfortunately, try as I might, I could not dislodge another runner’s shoe. I stood close to the front of the start line and the little buggers took off like a shot. I should have tried to pick on a naïve first timer instead. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Live and learn.

Anyhow, the morning torrential down pour gave way to a slow trickle the moment Mrs. Nitmos deposited me at a park ½ mile from the start line. My ready made failure excuse was yanked away at the last minute. Oh, well, nothing left to do but run. Run hard. Or lie.

2008 Miss America, Kirstin Haglund, was there to sing the national anthem. Apparently she was taking a break from important policy matters to start us off with a fine rendition.

The one thing I truly appreciate about my normally meticulous nature is the ability to craft, study, and rehash race strategy and then, upon the firing of the starting horn, completely throw the plans out the window and run like a rabid hyena being chased by a pack of lions.

Off I went all hyenaesque recording a first mile in 5:47. Pretty much nowhere near the 6:05 or so I had planned. But look at me! Nothing could go wrong. I can run like this all day! It’s the race of a lifetime!

Second mile: 6:09. Damn my legs feel heavy. What happened? I’m not a gazelle. I’m an antelope with moderate hip dysplasia.

Oh, that’s right. I was going to run this as a simulation of the 800’s I had been training lately. You know, ½ mile hard and followed up with about a minute of relaxed running before turning it back up again. Remember? That was the plan. But plans don’t shoot delicious summer fruits from their ass. They don’t even have asses. To hell with assless plans.

May as well keep flailing away and finish the race now. The final mile is through downtown where a crowd is starting to gather for the post race parade. I’m already picking out one spectator on each block to punch in the throat if my 19 minute Garmin detonation fires. It doesn’t. Final mile rose further to 6:17.

My Garmin recorded 18:32. Official race results say 18:30. I’ll go with theirs.

Garmin also said I ran only 3.06 miles instead of 3.11. I’m a big fan of rounding to the tenths position though.

That’s when I noticed the chocolate covered cherries on the ground directly beneath me. I’m actually doing it. Oh, why didn’t I make my farcical goal Gold Dubloons from my Anus!?! Regret!

Later, after the parade, I wandered back to the park for the official posted results. Turns out, I came in second in my age group! Good enough to score one of those medals that this Summer of Speed is all about. Unfortunately, I didn’t stick around long enough after finishing to get my Olympic style platform photo op. I had to do it solo instead. And hope they’ll mail that medal to me as they closed up shop and went home.

Here’s me lamenting my failure to finish 1st in my age group.

Here’s me celebrating my second place finish.

Mrs. Nitmos did a nice job reminding me that I did not occupy the top spot the rest of the weekend as only she can. But that’s a story for another day (probably Wednesday).

Finally, I can update a PR on my PR list. Drum roll please as I change that 19:36 to 18:30. Cymbal crash. Thank you very much.

Happy trails.

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Numbers? Yes, numbers:

Official time: 18:30
Official pace: 5:58/mile
Overall place: 49th of 1484
Age group: 2nd of 74