Wednesday, July 16, 2008

First Loser

I’m a numbers guy. I love me some statistics. Oh, the things I would do – or have done - to a Baseball Encyclopedia. You don’t want to know. I’m not allowed in Cooperstown, NY anymore either. Long story. One of the things running provides for me is a non-stop stream of numbers to bathe in. Miles? Hours? Minutes? Seconds? TENTHS OF SECONDS??? HUNDREDTHS OF MILES???? SCCCHWIINGGG!!!

So 17 seconds has been dominating my brain for the past few days. That’s the amount of time the “first place” finisher beat me by in my age group. Seventeen seconds!? That means I was trailing him no more than half a block away for much of the race. I must have been awash in his foul smelling cheater fumes like a water skier in a boats wake. I don’t know the guy from Adam. And one thing I don’t like to do is cast slanderous aspirations on an innocent, unsuspecting runner.

I don’t like to but that doesn’t mean I won’t. Somebody has to say something. Who let cyborgs into the race? Clearly the man is comprised of some sort of synthetic cardiovascular system that allows him to respirate without any lactic acid build up. I’m pretty sure that’s cheating. And was that a needle I saw him shooting into his legs before the start? Said something like “Immediate and Illegal 18 second 5k Performance Improvement Guaranteed!” on the side of the syringe. Figures.

The worst part of being the First Loser is the reaction from others. Case in point: Mrs. Nitmos, the kids and I head out to dinner later that evening. I’m still feeling pretty good about the PR and all. Normally I order water to drink as (1) I have an aversion to soda (2) I don’t like to pay $2 for sugar water anyway and (3) I’m a bit of a cheapskate. I was in a celebratory mood so I went for the beer. It wasn’t even happy hour.

“I’ll have a beer.” I say hoping the waitress will notice by my smug, superior tone that I just set a PR. Also, I’m rubbing my sore hamstrings the entire time to drop a hint. That doesn’t work so I add, “Do you have Personal Record beer cuz that’s what I just set today and that’d be neat and all if there was such a thing?”

“No. How ‘bout Miller?”

“Well…” Disappointed sounding. “I guess that would be alright. I’m sure it’ll soothe my aching hamstrings either way right? Is that what second place finishers normally order here?”

“Look, you want it in 12 or 22 ounces?”

Of course, I order the 22 ouncer. I’m only driving a few kids home tonight not a whole damn bus after all.

At this point, Mrs. Nitmos, who had been sitting quietly, interjects. “You sure about that 22 ounces? You didn’t finish first you know. Maybe 12 would be good for you.”

Pffftttt. Pop goes the ego.

The rest of the weekend went that way. If I wanted a “large” something or other, I was reminded that maybe “medium” was all I deserved.

Oh, well, life as First Loser.

Happy trails.

Incidentally, I was searching for a cool official looking definition for "first loser" and came across this guy. It's pretty funny if you take it as such though I think he's actually being serious. Man, who pissed in his coffee?

Last evening, a relaxed 5 mile work-the-kinks-back-out run:

5.0 miles
34:40 time
6:56 pace


Anonymous said...

Let me be the first to say that it was all in good fun that I tease Mr. Nitmos. You have to understand his personality if I don't tease him he will dwell ALL night on the fact that someone beat him and by a mere 17 seconds. He had already spent most of the day talking about how 17 seconds was like when the Red Wings let a goal in with 34 seconds left on the clock and how that his 17 second defeat was half that time.
I am very proud of him for his PR but I mean seriously he was the First Loser:)
....Mrs. Nitmos

Viper said...

If anything, the first loser needs the 22-ounce beer. My rule of thumb after a race is a pint for every loser in front of me.

Coincidentally, last night I started planning a pilgrimage to Cooperstown. If you want me to lick someone's jersey for you while I'm there, let me know.

Vanilla said...

If it makes you feel any better the guy was probably more than 17 seconds faster than you, but eased up when he knew he had you beaten.

Marci said...

You are hilarious!! I am also trying hard to muster up feelings of sorrow for you as a first loser :)

Kristina said...

I think Mrs. Nitmos and I would be fast friends. Teasing of spouses is necessary.

nwgdc said...

a agree with Vanilla. He was very likely wayyyy ahead of you and only slowed down so as not to hurt the feelings of the 20-29 age groupers he was closing in on.

Anonymous said...

I think Mrs. Nitmos and I were separated at birth.

Nitmos, I think if you didn't go out like a crazy banshee, and progressively slowed through the rest of the race, I think you would have beaten that guy and you would have claimed the title for "the slowest male age group winner for all age groups under 50 years old."

Perhaps you earned (by paying your entry fee) the bagel or the donated banana at the post race party.

SJ Goody said...

So what does that make the rest of us losers? At least you were first in something! :)

Its mighty hard to feel bad for you, speedster!!!

Xenia said...

I heart Mrs. Nitmos.

And I'm serious about my dissertation numbers. If you want to make my charts for me, just let me know. ;)

Lily on the Road said...

Good Job Mrs. Nitmos, putting the Pffftttt in Nitmos's SCCCHWIINGGG!


17 seconds, come on, get out there, get running, slacker!!! LMAO!!

Kevin said...

Well maybe if you werent so obsessed with blowing fruit out your anus you would have beat him

Danielle in Iowa said...

I am pretty sure that Pabst Blue Ribbon has to be the Personal Best/Record beer. But of course, they only give that to first place runners.

Marcy said...

Nothing like a good wife to bring you down ;D I hope you polished Mrs Nitmos' crown for her.

Meg said...

I couldn't read past the first sentence in that guy's post because of his spelling error. I gave up on his credibility there.

KimsRunning said...

NITMOS!!! This is my first chance to read your posts, I think you did AWESOMELY well!!!! OMG....18:30???? Geez!!!! That's fantastic!! Well done!!!!!

Viv said...

Awww Nitmos only you can make me belly laugh with the first loser post. I took a Miller at dinner after this weekends race too, I felt a maragrita....don't deserve the top shelf liqour. LOL! I love the Mrs. comments. Seriously when is the reality show starting over there???
That 17 seconds can be such a pain. So close you got it next time man fo sho. If not send me the race results being the olympic season and I all I could pull a "Harding".

The Laminator said...

17 seconds?! I feel for you, dude. Must be tough being first loser...Just like the guy who finished fourth last week at the track trials and missed out on the Olympics. Maybe you should've slowed down and finish further down, might have saved you the embarrassment (and the Pppfffttt-ing by Mrs. Nitmos!) Just saying...

For the record, my best finish in a road race was 7th in my age group, so I can't relate to what you're going through, sorry!

Jeff said...

When I read your race report, I was totally psyched for you. "Impressive run, Nitmos!" I thought to myself.

Now I realize how much you really suck! Ya might as well have finished dead last.

Guess you just didn't try hard enough.

Jenn said...

I found your site through MizFit, and I have to say, this is cracking me up. I'm not much of a runner, but this mess is hilarious.

Screw the 22 or 12 ounces. You should have gotten your own pitcher! That's how you really celebrate/drown your sorrows.

sRod said...

I would love to be first loser! It's better than the triple number loser I typically am.

Also, since you came in second, you are completely justified in getting 22 ounces. As well as 2 hamburgers, 2 orders of fries, and 2 chocolate sundaes. Could you image the food the third place finisher gets to eat?

John at Hella Sound said...

That is some world class ball busting--hats off to Mrs. Nitmos.

Great post--although *slightly* less great (alas, another first loser) to the guy you linked to. I now understand why his About page simply says: "THIS IS SPARTA!!!!"

Scott said...

Ouch. Mrs. Nitmos is tough. :)