Friday, July 18, 2008

An Ode to Stretchy Bands

I think the official term is “resistance tubes” but that just makes them sound disagreeable. They aren’t resisting anyone. They sit when I say Sit. They stay where I say Stay. They stretch when I Stretch. They should be called “compliance tubes”.

Anyway, I call ‘em stretchy bands. Because I like to call things by the action they perform rather than the noun society* has given them. While you may have ears, livers, and TV’s, I have hearies, metabolicy, and watchies. I also have a pissy (or a limpy) but this is a PG-13 blog so I won’t define it further. (Yes, Vanilla, Viper, and Razz that was an “i” after the “p”. Don’t try it.)

Stretchy bands are great for overall strengthening and toning without building bulk. Right up a runner’s alley, really. No one wants to carry extra weight around for 26.2 miles. Or 50 miles. Or even 3 miles. When’s the last time you saw someone built like a California governor win a distance event?

You want long, loose, flexible…well, stretchy, muscles. And a solid core.

The running and other fitness activities take care of the weight. The stretchy bands can help with the toning. I’m a big believer in them and a serial user. You’d think little bits of crack must absorb into my hands the way I start twitching every evening around 9 PM to get my 20 minutes in with the stretchy bands.

Why am I telling you all this? Because no one – not one of you – has bothered to note in my comments how my torso resembles Brad Pitt’s from Fight Club. Sheesh. Take a hint already. And while we’re at it, pinch your eyes in and downward. Take a look. That’s a nose on your face. Anything else you need pointed out for you?

Here’s the best parts about the stretchy bands:

1) They are cheap to buy.
2) They’ll last several months before they finally snap in mid stretch causing you to whack the back of your hand into your nose violently.
3) You can perform 5-6 exercises in 20 minutes while watching the beginning of CSI: Miami**
4) You can look awesome answering the door bell with your shirt off, chest muscles throbbing, stretchy band casually draped around your neck when your neighbor comes over to ask you to turn off the pornography you have playing on your large screen, high def TV with the curtains open.***

Seriously, go out and get yourself a stretchy band and watch your inner washboard abdomen emerge from hiding. Mrs. Nitmos washes our clothes on mine. The stretchy bands have developed my pecs just enough so we can string a line nipple to nipple for drying too.

The real empowering part is, over time, watching yourself easily handle the resistance from the bands. At first, it’s tough. By the time they snap though, you are pulling them around like a naughty child at the mall. Grrrr. I’m strong. I just broke the stretchy band! Where’s the moon? I need to do some howling.

Then you buy another one and realize the old one was just worn out cuz, damn, I can barely stretch this one.

Let’s close with a rhyming haiku:

Stretchy bands are long
Feels great to tone and get strong
Hit it like crack bong

Happy stretching.
* Fight the power!
** Incidentally, I have never watched an entire episode of this show. Mrs. Nitmos and I watch the beginning segment only until the screaming wail of The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” kicks off the opening credits. She hates Horatio’s tough guy, sunglass fiddling ways. I appreciate his cornball punchline immediately preceding The Who’s power cord. It’s the cheesiest moment on television every week. Check it out. Then, turn the channel immediately because the show sucks.
*** Theoretically
It is HOT out.
6.5 miles
44:50 time
6:54 pace


Danielle in Iowa said...

I prefer CSI: Boise myself.

I snapped my band and now I am too lazy to go get another...

nwgdc said...

Wow, not only can you wash clothes on your abs but you can dry them using your nipples?! Amazing!

You've been clocking off some great times recently! any cramping issues?

tfh said...

I love my stretchy bands. But I find that doing the laundry by hand on my own rock-hard abs is just as vigorous a workout, so perhaps the one who truly deserves the credit here is the Mrs.

Viper said...

Did you know they have a cure for limpy?

RazZDoodle said...

I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'm going to be offended regardless.

Sarah said...

You have seen this, haven't you?

And yes, it is grossly hot outside.

chia said...

"Limp" isn't really an action tho... it's more an adjective than a verb. Is that gramatically possible?

Viv said...

You really should have clarified for all of us to not the *i vs where my mind naturally went.

PSI watch those bands if you tie one of them to a door (still do not know the purpose behind that)they can snap you in the chest. Did not happen to me but a pal and she was pretty banged up.

Marcy said...

Shiz, I'd buy them just to tie the kids up with. Just think of how much I could get done around here.

Kristina said...

They're also good for playing crack the whip with the neighborhood kids*


Vanilla said...

Good thing you clarified that it was an 'i' in pissy. You could have come off as a little less than manly. Yep, you really dodged a bullet there, Limpy.

Kevin said...

Wow! This post bordered on the edge between PG and XXX, and definitely contained TMI

*aron* said...

sorry about the heat :( its not so hot here now and i am happy!!!

i might have to look into these - its been hard getting to the gym for weights so this looks like a good alternative! thanks :)

Lily on the Road said...

"You’d think little bits of crack must absorb into my hands the way I start twitching every evening around 9 PM to get my 20 minutes in with the stretchy bands"

Ya, call it what you want, don't you know you could go blind doing that??? LMAO!!!

The Laminator said...

I dig the haiku more myself!

sRod said...

I think this my favorite post to date!

The stretchy bands have developed my pecs just enough so we can string a line nipple to nipple for drying too.

I love it. I love it so much.

Xenia said...

I'm on Blogger TMI overload. Enough with the nipples already! (Granted a lot of that is my fault, but still).

Marathon Maritza said...

so THIS is why my six-pack remains stubbornly hidden behind a thick layer of 'pudge'....I haven't bought it a stretchy band!

*runs to the store*

Marathon Maritza said...

What a second, I just this the same thing with which they tied up the older brother in the opening scenes of The Goonies?

Marathon Maritza said...

Ugh, I meant 'wait' not 'what.' I'll quit hijacking the comments now.

Lisa - Slow & Steady said...

I have stretchy bands. I haven't used them in awhile, but you've motivated me to think about encorporating them in my workouts next week!

Amanda said...

Hi Nitmos! Speaking of strength, finished my first 12-miler today (whilst dreaming of a future marathon) and realized my muscles are sadly lacking. Calves, mostly, were crying tears of anguish. Any tips for a beginner?

Crabby McSlacker said...

Hate the stretchy bands.
No resistance, then TOO much.
Plus they pinch--feels bad.

(No rhymes though, I bow to your superior haiku skilz. It's early.)

SLB said...


Of ocurse they are much more usable than say, a hat band or a Stretchy Armstrong!

aham23 said...

i like stretchy pants better. but whatever. later.

Alisa said...

I've been a lurker for're blog is really good. And....DANG you are fast!

Gotta say that I LOOOOVE the resistance tubes. I brought them on vacation with me, they travel quite well.

Scott said...

You should go into the infomercial biz with Chuck Norris...