An Ode to Stretchy Bands

I think the official term is “resistance tubes” but that just makes them sound disagreeable. They aren’t resisting anyone. They sit when I say Sit. They stay where I say Stay. They stretch when I Stretch. They should be called “compliance tubes”.

Anyway, I call ‘em stretchy bands. Because I like to call things by the action they perform rather than the noun society* has given them. While you may have ears, livers, and TV’s, I have hearies, metabolicy, and watchies. I also have a pissy (or a limpy) but this is a PG-13 blog so I won’t define it further. (Yes, Vanilla, Viper, and Razz that was an “i” after the “p”. Don’t try it.)

Stretchy bands are great for overall strengthening and toning without building bulk. Right up a runner’s alley, really. No one wants to carry extra weight around for 26.2 miles. Or 50 miles. Or even 3 miles. When’s the last time you saw someone built like a California governor win a distance event?

You want long, loose, flexible…well, stretchy, muscles. And a solid core.

The running and other fitness activities take care of the weight. The stretchy bands can help with the toning. I’m a big believer in them and a serial user. You’d think little bits of crack must absorb into my hands the way I start twitching every evening around 9 PM to get my 20 minutes in with the stretchy bands.

Why am I telling you all this? Because no one – not one of you – has bothered to note in my comments how my torso resembles Brad Pitt’s from Fight Club. Sheesh. Take a hint already. And while we’re at it, pinch your eyes in and downward. Take a look. That’s a nose on your face. Anything else you need pointed out for you?

Here’s the best parts about the stretchy bands:

1) They are cheap to buy.
2) They’ll last several months before they finally snap in mid stretch causing you to whack the back of your hand into your nose violently.
3) You can perform 5-6 exercises in 20 minutes while watching the beginning of CSI: Miami**
4) You can look awesome answering the door bell with your shirt off, chest muscles throbbing, stretchy band casually draped around your neck when your neighbor comes over to ask you to turn off the pornography you have playing on your large screen, high def TV with the curtains open.***

Seriously, go out and get yourself a stretchy band and watch your inner washboard abdomen emerge from hiding. Mrs. Nitmos washes our clothes on mine. The stretchy bands have developed my pecs just enough so we can string a line nipple to nipple for drying too.

The real empowering part is, over time, watching yourself easily handle the resistance from the bands. At first, it’s tough. By the time they snap though, you are pulling them around like a naughty child at the mall. Grrrr. I’m strong. I just broke the stretchy band! Where’s the moon? I need to do some howling.

Then you buy another one and realize the old one was just worn out cuz, damn, I can barely stretch this one.

Let’s close with a rhyming haiku:

Stretchy bands are long
Feels great to tone and get strong
Hit it like crack bong

Happy stretching.

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* Fight the power!
** Incidentally, I have never watched an entire episode of this show. Mrs. Nitmos and I watch the beginning segment only until the screaming wail of The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” kicks off the opening credits. She hates Horatio’s tough guy, sunglass fiddling ways. I appreciate his cornball punchline immediately preceding The Who’s power cord. It’s the cheesiest moment on television every week. Check it out. Then, turn the channel immediately because the show sucks.
*** Theoretically

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It is HOT out.

6.5 miles

44:50 time

6:54 pace