Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Slow Children

Wherein I continue my practice of haranguing unsuspecting children and exact revenge in a thinly veiled fashion at recent F.M.S. attackers.

Frankly, this is really sad. I saw this sign a couple of miles from my house at an apartment complex. I love to ridicule children as much as the next normal, well-adjusted adult. However, permanently affixing a sign to a post to mock their lack of speed? Even I think that’s a little far out there. Throw partially eaten Taco Bell at them? Sure. Feed their pets b.b.’s wrapped in a dog treat? Absolutely. But signs?

I’ve been by a few times to take a look at these unusually slow children. It’s the typical assortment of nerds, bullies, crybabies and nose pickers crawling about the complex grounds. Nothing particularly half fast about them. If anything, from my perspective, the sign should read “Ugly Children” or “Unable to Make A Free Throw Children”. There’s one particularly pasty faced little half child, half snake like creature I’ve taken to calling Quasisnake.

What does it say about my community that we forcibly quarantine families of small children into one apartment complex due to sluggish speed? Next thing you know, all of the rich folks will be gathered together in gated neighborhoods under lock and key.

I’ll tell you what it says: My town kicks ass!

We don’t tolerate slow children here. Can’t run fast? Here’s directions to your new home where you and all the other slow kids can spend 7 hours on Saturday working your way through a kick ball game.

I’m outraged. Outraged that I didn’t think of this idea myself.

I’ve run through there many times since noticing this sign as, obviously, it’s my new favorite place to deposit snot rockets. Like shooting fish in a barrel, I say. Recently, I took pity and pulled to a stop next to rocket victims Quasisnake and his slack jawed friend, Non Chocolate.*

“So, you kids are incredibly, embarrassingly slow, eh?” I hissed, all proud of myself for executing the non-clunky mid-sentence double adverb.

“Uh, no. What are you talking about, mister?” Said Quasisnake, who I’m sure was thinking but didn’t say, ‘Are you a model or a movie star or a professional body builder or George Clooney? Or all of the above?’

“Duh?” said Non Chocolate looking befuddled.

“No, no. I’m not George Clooney. Common mistake.” I responded to the unasked question. “The sign over there indicates that you children are really, amazingly slow runners.”

I pulled a double, double adverb and stuck the landing!

“Err, duh?” said Non Chocolate again, having a hard time keeping up.

“That’s a sign telling people to slow down because kids are playing, mister. Not that we are slow kids.” Responded Quasisnake, who still clearly didn’t believe he wasn’t talking to George Clooney.

“I’m not slowing down for anyone.” I say. “Why don’t you kids read up on Paavo Nurmi or Ville Ritola and make like a Flying Finn so you’re not stuck in Snail’s Pace Apartments.”

“That’s not the name of the apartments. And who is Paul Neuman and Billy Ricola?” asks Quasisnake.

“Der??” inputs Non Chocolate still lost in a haze of befuddlement.

Then it dawns on me. The sign isn’t describing their speed. In fact, the two hooligans have the general air of recent PR setters. No, no, it's something different than that. They’re not slow runners.

I get it.

They’re dumb.

Happy trails.

* Any similarity between these fictional characters and actual people is entirely purposeful.

Now that that is out of the way. Moving on to a completely unrelated item...Congratulations to Vanilla and Viper, the "V" Boys, for kicking ass and setting new PR's. Stop by and offer them a compliment or a back-handed compliment. They appreciate either one.


Sadist Nancy has her 8 on the 8th race results up. Everyone give a big cheer for Nancy for organizing. Hip, Hip, Hoo...oh, ouch, I pulled my lower masseter muscle. Off to ice it down. Someone finish the cheer for me.


Sarah said...

Whenever I see a "Slow Children Playing" sign I don't think "Please go slow, there are children playing here," I think "Why would you let your slow-ass crumbgrinders play in the freaking STREET? I slow down FOR NO ONE. Out of my way, rug monkeys!"

Also, Nitmos, I believe one could interpret that picture as "Stop slow children," perhaps meaning "Make children faster! Faster is better!"

Turi said...

Love the subtle Half Fast dig. Jealous of the "V boys" rivalry? Still haven't found a nemesis?

Vanilla said...

Damn elitist.

Kristina said...

Way to rock the double 8 on the 8th prize. I could hear your primal scream in Massachusetts. Let's hope Nancy doesn't switch our t-shirts in the mail.

RazZDoodle said...

I enjoy watching them play:

"Hey Nitmos, throoooowwwwww meeeeee theeeee balllllllllllll"

Jess said...

I also love the half-fast dig...very nice indeed...damn those slow kids being in everyone's way

tfh said...

Ah, and what runner wouldn't rather be called dumb than physically slow?

This story makes me think you definitely could find a niche in the children's book market, if you weren't already occupied as a movie star. Wait, this isn't Clooney's blog?

Viper said...

What are you trying to say?

Roisin said...

I truly did think signs as such referred to mentally slow children. And then felt sorry for them. My bad!

thebets said...

As a special education teacher who specializes in learning disabilities and behavior disorders, I will gladly take Vanilla and Viper off the streets and let them fend for themselves in my classroom in the hood. They will instantly improve their running speed simply from trying to run for their lives. Oh, and I will gladly give a month long lesson on your behalf to explain to them that you are, in fact, George Clooney.

Vava said...

But slow children would make me look rather fast... "I thought you said tall girls school, which would make us look rather short..." - Spinal Tap

SLB said...

I blame the Wii and Macky'Ds

Dumbing down and widening bloody wonder they're slow!

Eric Gervase said...

A two-for-one jab at Vanilla and Viper. Well done. I'm not sure I could've pulled that off.

chia said...

Vanilla and Viper are both exponentially better men than I.

I hope.

You crack me up Nitmos.

Ms. V. said...

Quasisnake had me howling.

The Mandapants said...

Slow kids (read: I'm slow; we know this lol) don't piss me off nearly as much as the dumb-ass ones.

I hiked Half-Dome and, after coming down the cables and cussing because I'm so afraid of heights, some 9 year-old goes, "It wasn't THAT bad!"

Where's the respect, man? I should have tossed him off the cliff with my biceps which, though small, are still bigger than his brain.

Damn straight.

Marcy said...

"ugly children" HAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAA We need a couple of those signs around here :P

SJ Goody said...

HAHAHA!! If they put all the slow kids together its could be an ego boost because with that scaled, they'll feel like they are really fast!

Anonymous said...

Veeery nice! (Read with Borat accent, please)
If only signs like this worked! If they did, I'd plaster my town with "Timid Dog-Fearing Runner" signs, so that I could enjoy, for once in my pathetic life, a fear-free run. Probably, though, it would just encourage all the dog owners to sic their canines on me en masse.

Rhonda said...

I stumbled upon your blog and just had to leave a comment because it is the funniest thing I've read in a very, very long time! So thank you for making me laugh out loud at work and embarass was worth it.

Melissa said...

Okay, I laughed at this really hard. Other than that, what can I say?

Michelle J said...

You totally crack me up dude! Thanks for making a sometimes not so great day a bit greater!!

Scott said...