Friday, August 08, 2008

8 on the 8th

I joined Nancy’s virtual race and did 8 miles on the…7th. It still counts. Look it up. Nancy’s been running these virtual races for over a year now. If you haven’t joined, what’s your problem? Maybe you really are the jerk all the rest of us think you are (but don’t tell you.)

This lined up perfectly with the 8 miles I had on my Detroit Marathon training schedule!

The plan: 8 limbo miles.
The pace: The first 5 miles averaging 6:50 with the last 3 around 6:40.
The running goal: Beat 54:00
The non-running goal: Compose a respectable Shakespearean sonnet featuring Carrot Top.

Really, once the legs get in motion, the brain starts unraveling like a ball of yarn rolling off sleeping grandma’s lap. I get no further than ‘I doth look on thee orange top...’ and I’m already thinking of other things. Alas, the sonnet will never finish!

Instead, I’m back to imagining tanks. And things blowing up. Like usual. Pretty soon, I descend to my normal running stupor fantasy: A dinner party featuring Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, Bruce Lee, Aquaman, and Robert Goulet. Sharp knives. Shifty eyes. Nasty attitudes. It’s always Goulet that makes the first move. The fool. I dispatch him with a kick to the throat. He staggers back and slowly chokes away in the corner on his own Adam’s apple. What’s he doing at a fight with guys like Bruce Lee and me (resident ninja) anyway?

Aquaman holds his own against Seagal. I tire of their slapfest and drop a net on them. Aquaman flops around on the floor beneath the net. Seagal’s pony tail is caught. They’re immobilized.

Chuck, Bruce, and I are in a bit of a Mexican standoff. The junior varsity has been dispatched. Time for the big boys to tussle. Bruce shrieks and jumps in the air between Chuck and I, legs extended outward, for a double kick to finish us both. It’s risky. And a poor plan. Chuck and I grab each leg and wrench upwards breaking them at the hips. He can now be used as an end table.

As usual, it’s down to Chuck Norris and I. We circle the room growling each with a broken table leg from the overturned dinner table held out. Mine has a nail on the end with a bit of turkey stuck to it. It doesn’t distract Chuck. He’s a pro’s pro.

I lunge going for the impalement. Chuck swings his table leg. I notice – out of the corner of my eye – what appears to be Dick Beardsley jumping through the window with a cutlass clenched between his teeth….

And I’m done. Eight miles in the books.

8.0 miles
53:49 time
6:44 pace

Chuck and I will do battle another day. Another time. Forever.

Thanks to Marathon Mama (recent post) and someone else, sorry couldn’t remember who, that placed a Chuck Norris reference in my comments for the Dinner Party/Chuck Norris thought.
Stop by and visit Runner's Lounge as they interviewed a very, VERY interesting fellow for open mic Friday. And sign up to be a lounger if you haven't done so already. It's fast, free, fun, and formative (think "informative" but this word kind of blew the cool alliteration I had going.) You can link to me in the lounge and we can be creepy internet friends together.
SLASH, the autobiography, is complete! It didn't take nearly as long as Don Quixote. Of course, had Don Quixote mainlined Oxycontin HIS book might have been a bit more interesting. Who's fault is that? For a drug fueled, sex riddled, rock story, it's pretty interesting. If you are not in to those kinds of things, stay away. It's probably best that you don't know how his entire band got crabs anyway. It scores a solid A- for rocker autobiography.
Portnoy's Complaint, by Philip Roth, is also complete! This was way more funny and risque than I thought it would be. In fact, thirty pages in, I remember thinking: If folks ever start banning books again, this has to be near the top of the list. Portnoy! What a messed up perv. It scores a B. You tire of the non-stop stream of neuroses though after awhile.
I'm in the market for the next read.


Sarah said...

If folks ever start banning books again...

"Start again"? It's never ended...

Read the Runners' Lounge interview. Very nice.

As far as reading suggestions, I recently read Michael Pollan's Omnivore's Dilemma. It has the potential to be life-altering.

tfh said...

I felt bad for not doing the 8 miles until I noticed all these people saying "Conveniently, it fit into my schedule..." Well, it didn't fit into my schedule of getting West Nile Virus and almost perishing. So I don't feel bad anymore.

Re: Portnoy's Complaint, I know what you're saying about the neuroses. I always feel like I need a good dose of chick lit after Roth. I don't think Slash would do the same trick...

The Mandapants said...

Chuck Norris runs 8 miles in 54 *seconds.*

Sorry, couldn't help it. Has everyone seen those posters? One of the few things that gets me laughing out loud consistently, no matter how many times I read the whole damn thing.

Marci said...

Good job on the 8 miler. I am running mine on Sat.

Roisin said...

I work for the American Library Association, and we've got lists of challenged/banned books. In fact, there's a week to celebrate them. Good times.

Jess said...

Nice job on the 8 miler!

Vanilla said...

I've always pegged Steven Seagal as being kind of soft, and this just confirms it for me.

Wait... he's not a reader here is he?

Xenia said...

Chuck Norris will always win. He's counted to infinity twice, you know.

Read a Jane Austen book. Come on, you know you want to. (Or, you know, not really). :)

Kristina said...

That was SO totally my back-up dinner party. Maybe we could co-host?
Now's the time for Rushdie, I think. To read, not to have for dinner. I hear he's a real buzz kill during hors d'oeuvres.

Anonymous said...

Hey, congrats on the Runner's Lounge profile! Too bad Chuck Norris invented the interwebs, and he'll soon be bitch slapping your profile.

Lisa Slow-n-Steady said...

Way to rock the 8.

Michelle J said...

Haha, your funny dude!! Terrific 8 mile time! Me, not so good but did it in 2 sittings!!!

I'll be back!!!

chia said...

I should know better than to read this at work *tee hee* whatta hoot!

Great run, you seriously rock!

Reid said...

You've really set the standard on this one. Not just the time (which is amazing! Way to go!), but also the post, which was hilarious. We'll see if I can give you some competition when I head out tomorrow. Maybe, since Nancy is so flexible with these races, I could just add up my fastest mile times??

Roisin said...

Shakespeare's all well and good, but you have a Chuck Norris story. Because Chuck Norris puts Baby in a corner.

Kevin said...

Great job knockin out the 8

Ms. V. said...

Great job on the run...and using the word impalement in a fantastic sentence.

I just ordered Slash. You had me at Rocker Autobiography. You might want to pick up "What I Talk About When I Talk About Running."

Good times.

Colin said...

Try "The Name of the Rose" by Umberto Eco, a medieval monastery murder mystery.

Non-Runner Nancy said...

And I thought my mind wandered. You are somethin. (mostly I just can't do math when I run.)

Thanks much for setting the pace, both running and reporting. Glad to have you in the pack.

I wish I had something to footnote but I can't....wait*.

* race results to follow. :D

Viper said...

Chuck Norris is so passe.

Read The Life of Samuel Johnson by James Boswell. Stop with all this fluff stuff.

Laura said...

I love the goals! I think for the next virtual race, everyone should be tasked to come up with a non-running goal like your sonnet. Could be really interesting to see what people come up with!

John at Hella Sound said...

Robert Goulet once came into a bar I worked at. He looked suspiciously similar to how he looks on TV. I wouldn't underestimate his pugilistic perspicacity--the man looks like he can bang.

Can we at least get a Carrot Top couplet? Something rhyming "orange", I'll let you find the right word.

Oxycontin Side Effects said...

My name is Kim Adam and i would like to show you my personal experience with Oxycontin.

I have taken for 3 years. I am 23 years old. I think it is the best pain killer there is. Although it's coming very abused, I think that it is a very powerful reliever and that more doctors should look into it for pain relief.

I have experienced some of these side effects-
mild dependency and constipation

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Kim Adam