Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Tootsie Roll Challenge

I believe I professed my love for Tootsie Rolls a few weeks back buried deep within this post concerning my love for …spite (and anus waxing). If I need remind you, I believe Tootsie Rolls are little gobs of fecally-reminiscent goodness wrapped in a fun little pull and twist package! But, to be clear, the order of things I love from that post should go:

1. Tootsie Rolls
2. Spite
3. Anus waxing

Folks often get #1 and #3 mixed up and I advise you not to do so. The pull and twist open meets with substantially different results. Trust me…you do a 1-3 year stretch for orphanage arson and tell me they’re the same.

I was going to present a lengthy sonnet in Shakespearean iambic pentameter to really describe my fascination with the rolled Tootsie but said fuck it so all you get is a lousy haiku. Suck it, sonnets!

Tootsie Rolls are sweet
I Am Not Above Murder
To Obtain This Treat

With Halloween behind us, the Tootsie Roll supply is at its yearly high right now in the Nitmos home. We had pre-Halloween candy sales, Halloween, and then post-Halloween candy sales. I shook the kids down the moment they walked in the door Halloween night and confiscated their Rolls. There’s so much of this stuff coming into the house lately and disappearing that I’m like the John Wayne Gacy of Tootsie Rolls. I don’t even have to wear the clown make-up while eating them. I mean, I don’t have to…I just do that for fun.

But this is the danger season for those of us who like to watch my figure. Pre-Halloween, Halloween, post-Halloween, Thanksgiving, post-Thanksgiving leftovers, Hanukkah, Christmas parties, Christmas, Kwanzaa, excessive drinking to get through the holidays, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day football, there are some serious weight-bearing days ahead. Tootsie Rolls are just the start. My six pack abs turn to a half barrel kegger by mid-December. I no longer have to ask if that was a fart or a shart. Come December, it was a shart, definitely. If I get through a December day with anything less than three pair of underwear, it’s a win. The wallet in my back pocket is replaced with a travel size case of wet wipes. You get the point. I shart. A lot.

So, as a time chasing runner, how do I combat this? Years ago, I used to basically take December and January off. I’d run sporadically but a week or more may go by before I’d brush the crumbs off my chest and find my running shoes (usually being used as a beer cozy somewhere). Then I’d burp my way through three miles – miles that were previously quite easy – and then settle back in for more sloth and gluttony. This became too hard to keep bouncing back from each spring if I wanted to set new PR’s so there is no more taking December and January off. The gluttony still takes place – oh, I gluttony the hell out of December, believe me – but I put the slothfulness away.

With my Tootsie Roll consumption at an all time high this year, I decided I needed some additional motivation to keep this confection from clinging to my belly and slowing the legs. Turned sideways, they may look like little ab muscles on the outside but, believe me, they don’t take up residence in the gut that way. I’m still going to eat a truck load of them. So just how many miles do I need to run to keep things in check?

I figure one track lap interval = one Tootsie Roll. Or, you may consume four Tootsie Rolls to each mile (4:1 gluttony ratio). My Sunday long run will net me at least 40 Tootsie Rolls as a reward.

I challenge you to find your own successful Gluttony level. Snack size Snickers, Baby Ruth, and Butterfingers may have a slightly different consumption:miles ratio. You’ll need to figure this out by yourself. I suggest you eat lots of them but also keep running. The point at which you look in the mirror and don’t exhale in disgust saying Damn, I’m getting fat is probably the correct ratio. Eat up! Run on! Post your results! We can create the world’s largest candy consumption to miles gluttony ratio science experiment.

I’m planning a meager 4x800 (2:45 pace) at the track today. With cool down laps, that’s 11 total laps. If I don’t consume during the cool down, I figure I can unwrap and double fist 8 Tootsie Rolls between my fingers while I run. That’s one for each lap of the track, two for each interval. They'll be poking out of my knuckles like a set of Willy Wonka brass knuckles. By the time my intervals are complete, my fists will be empty. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Remember, there is no reason to deny yourself delicious snacks. Where there is a will, there is a way. Whether it be candy or beer or orphanage arson, there’s a mileage equivalent that can balance against your running. You just need to burn find it.

Happy trails.


Elizabeth said...

I collected all the Almond Joys out of my kids' candy bags...but I already ate them all :-( wahhhh! But I will take you up on your challenge, and my food motivation will be all the assorted cheese/bread plates and of course martinis I like to consume over the holiday season. My running goal from now thru the end of Dec is to just make sure I run a minimum of 12 miles per week. Once Jan starts, then I start "training" again (I don't have a problem running during the winter months as long as I have some kind of goal). Good luck with the tootsie roll consumption.

B.o.B. said...

by far one of the craziest posts by you i've ever seen. you incorporated a serial killer, candy, arson, orphans, beer, a curse word, and running all into one crazy ass post. well done, maniac. well done.

i'm all about french fries but i seriously doubt i can run enough to combat those tasty fried spuds. so i'll limit myself on the spuds and keep on truckin'.

Danielle in Iowa in Seattle said...

Tootsie Rolls instead of Gus for long runs! Problem solved.

Rain said...

Good funny post! Thanks, needed it today.

David said...

My kids are grown. I live in the sticks where even the FedEx guy is scared to go during daylight. We've only heard rumors of this thing called "trick or treat".

And somehow, I've consumed an estimated 100 miles worth of candy corn this "season".

At least its vegetarian.

Adam said...

Spite was #2!? 2??? Oh Nitmos, I don't even know you anymore.

Jill said...

I'll be running the track for 24-hours, it appears.

Sun Runner said...

What about the oversized version of the Roll? Go big or go home!

Michael said...

Great post...too funny.

The truth behind the calorie count for a tootsie roll is even worse...140 calories a piece. That's almost a mile and half per.

Love the idea of setting up the gluttony ratio. :-)

Drea said...

Wait- what? I was gonna post something else but got lost in the 140 calories a piece for a tootsie roll!??? Really???? Really????? That is NOT funny.