Friday, October 07, 2011

All Clear, Full Spite Ahead

As I survey the weeks ahead from the captain’s bridge of the S.S. Nitmos, everything looks clear and smooth. There is nothing – nada, zippo, zilch – on the schedule. Not a race to be found. No fun run. No Halloween adults-dressed-up-on-a-holiday-meant-for-children costume run. No post-Thanksgiving work-off-the-food-orgy run. No Jingle Bell freeze-your-ass-off run. Heck, I don’t even see one of those weird webcentric “virtual 5k’s” being promoted anywhere (at least, anywhere that I can find one to hyphenate into a mocking phrase). I literally have nothing to look forward to except death and taxes…and American Idol.*

I don’t even have to run if I don’t want to. So why I am?

Oh, yeah, that’s because the races are really just lighthouses on the ocean of my running life. I could live a nice anonymous running existence without the races or the blog. Neither drives the running for me anyhow except for as a tool to release the built up pressure of lame, over-boiled nautical metaphors. Believe it or not, I don’t derive any motivation from your snarky comments left to insult or critique me.** I run and blog purely out of spite. I comment on your blogs when I’m feeling spiteful. I definitely race out of spite. And I blog filled with venomous spite. I’m not even going to go with the obvious, cheap joke that I sit around drinking Sprite because it’s the closest thing to fuel my spite. I’m not going to do it. Out of spite, once again.

So, despite the fact that I have no races ahead and no PR’s with which to Jell-o wrestle, I haven’t slacked off on my non-existent training log one bit. I was at the track on my lunch hour yesterday rounding it in perfect concentric 400 meter ovals in the midst of a round of 800’s. The day was warm for a Michigan October. The fallen yellow and orange leaves criss-crossing the football field with every whim of the wind. Sweat was pouring from my brow, neck, and Tootsie Rolled abdomen. I was killing myself out on the track and…I couldn’t think why. Why? Why do this to yourself? There are no lighthouses ahead. I plan to stay in the ocean and eat Tootsie Rolls for the foreseeable future.*** Who needs it, right? I finished the 800’s anyway despite your expectations that I would suddenly quit and jog home. Out of spite, once again.

Well, I need it, I guess. I get even crankier if I take a few days off. I’m pretty unpleasant to begin with but, if I miss a few runs, “spite” will be the least of anyone’s concerns about me. Try “felonious assault” or “llama torture” or “Cambodian orphanage arson”. What am I running for? Uh, perhaps my sanity, my well-being, and my rabid appetite for fudge stripe cookies and Tootsie Rolls (not to say that I’d kick sour balls out of bed for melting, youknowwhatImean?)

I might be swinging in the hammock on the open seas right now, untwisting my delicious Rolls and gulping down the rum and Sprite Coke, but, believe me, I’m still putting the work in. The 800’s are still getting eight hundreded. The occasional 1200 gets twelved. The long runs, as always, are completed at a much faster pace than any running coach would desire (but what do they really know, right?). I limbo the fuck out of a few runs here and there just to show it who’s boss. It’s all clear and smooth sailing.

Eventually, I’ll flop out of the hammock into a pile of crumpled Tootsie wrappers, shave my scraggly beard, wax my anus**** and point the ship to the nearest lighthouse. When the mood strikes, that is. And that mood is spite, once again.

Happy sailing.

*Kidding, I’m an X Factor man, of course.
**By the way, the guy – don’t remember the name - who keeps popping up to point out my spelling or grammatical errors, you understand of course that I spend less than 7 seconds editing. If you would like to be my unpaid editor, call me.
***Seriously, Halloween is hard enough without all of the candy specials going on right now that get your “pre-Halloween” gorge-fest started early. Tootsie Rolls? Little gobs of faintly fecal-reminiscent goodness with a fun little pull and twist open!
****You don’t?
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Postscript: I had meant to punch this little Sea Tale up with a few pirate references. You know, arrrr, thar she blows (t.w.s.s.) and a few references to lubbers and bilge rats, that kind of thing. You can go back and re-read and drop a few Ahoy ye mateys! where you see fit. Hell, go ahead and change the title to A Runners Life For Me while yer at it. What do I care? Now, hand me the second bag of Tootsie Rolls and GTFO.

13 comments:

Viper said...

"You're like one of those clipper ship captains. You're married to the sea."

"Yes, that's true. But I've been out to sea for a long time."

Your "guess the movie quote" of the day.

Cheers!

Jill said...

Grocery stores should see an ID from anyone who looks fit and if their ID says they are training for x race, they are not allowed to buy Halloween candy. I begged the check out woman at the store to not allow me to buy the tiny Mild Duds....so it's really not my fault!

The Sean said...

I am hosting a Virtual run next Wednesday... if you need a beacon to direct your spite at.

"mortnest"
(as in the Mortnest Monster)

David said...

It's all in good spite

Irene said...

Anchors aweigh!

Tall Girl Running said...

You mean to tell me Halloween adults-dressed-up-on-a-holiday-meant-for-children costume runs don't count?? That's just great, Nitmos. Wish youda told me that half an ago before I registered.

There goes my $55... along with my my dignity.

Spite indeed.

B.o.B. said...

i don't even know how to comment on this post. should i start with the tootsie rolls or the anus shaving? um. ok. maybe i'll just pass and suggest you sign yourself up for a race. just to be spiteful.

Ironman By Thirty said...

No race???? Can't fork over the $20 for a 5k? Are you getting cheap like Viper?

Randy said...

We would work well together on Halloween.

You could eat all the Tootsie Rolls I have left over, and I could eat all your Snickers..aka protein bars and all your Reese's Cups aka recovery chews.

Its a perfect match.

Danielle in Iowa in Seattle said...

Tootsie rolls! They are like little turds!

Beauty and the Palette said...

Not running the Detroit marathon this weekend? My friends and I are driving up from Cleveland to run it. I had a tibial stress fracture and dropped to the half. If you are there, look for us. I'll be the one wearing the bib with the name: Mrs. Keanu Reeves typed on it. And I am not sure why I did that. Seriously, he can't even act. What was I thinking?

Drea said...

Ha Ha Ha! They are totally Poo-stie Rolls! Enjoy your shit Nitmos!

gene @boutdrz said...

what is up with the colored tootsie rolls??? i cringe at them. i mean, it is often fun to slightly chew one (original) and leave it in a corner, then blame the CAT....good times. doesn't work so well with the colored ones....
that's about the only use i have for tootsie rolls.....