Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Devil in the White Dress

That giant depressed sigh you heard last evening came from the Midwest. Not any one place in particular…just kind of everywhere. Collectively, we all looked out the window at the innocent-looking, fluttering flakes accumulating in inches and heaved a gentle, defeated sigh. Last night, the Devil returned to mid-Michigan wearing his (her?) white dress.*

You would think that, having lived my entire life in this region, I’d dourly accept this fate. The Devil always sweeps in this time of year with a train of cold, wet ice and snow leaving a wake of downed power lines, ditched cars, and frustrated runners. Traditionally, white is the color of angels. Not in my book. It’s White Death, White Hate, and White Menace. White is the color your body parts turn when blood – liquid life - is removed. White is the face of a vampire. White is my face when threatened with watching another vampire Twilight movie.** What color do things turn when they die? Do they whither and turn red or black? No, they turn white. White is the color of death and it’s all over my running trails.

Perhaps I’m being over dramatic *** but I’m pretty sure this region is basically uninhabitable. On November 29th we received the first snow fall of the winter. There’s a decent chance that the last snow fall will occur on April 29th….FIVE MONTHS LATER. Of course, you’ll always get the contrarians among us who will loudly proclaim how Michigan enjoys ALL FOUR SEASONS – isn’t it great! – we have it so good here. The problem, of course, is that winter lasts 5 months, a typically cold spring another 2 months, summer just 2 months, and then right into fall for 3 months. Notice how many warm months are in there? We have all four seasons for sure but they sure aren’t equal partners.

Maybe I’m just being pissy as well as over dramatic. A new marathon was announced recently for its inaugural run next year. I was excited. There is currently no marathon in the local vicinity. I could sleep in my own warm little bed, eat my own little porridge out of my own little bowl, take my pre-race nervous crap in my own little crapper, and come home to my own little refrigerator for my own little post-race beer.

But then I found out the race is on April 22nd. Seriously?? That means the 20+ mile training runs need to be completed in February and March. In Michigan. Most likely, in several inches of snow and ice. What dented head set this up? No, thanks. I’ll continue driving elsewhere and sleep in a cold, unfamiliar bed, eat a stranger’s porridge (t.w.s.s.), crap into an unfriendly porcelain bowl. My excitement was quickly smothered. The devil was in the details.

On this blog, you never hear me complain about the heat. Not even when its 100 degrees and I’m doing 16 miles. But you sure as hell are going to hear me complain about the snow. For five months. Brace yourself. I spy 23 more f-bombs to describe the snow and cold ahead!

It is no good casting out devils. They belong to us, we must accept them and be at peace with them.
D. H. Lawrence
The dance with the devil has just begun. I'll submit because I need my miles so I’ll do the Two-Step; I’ll do the Fox Trot; I may even do some Dirty Dancing (because the Devil never puts me in the corner). Heck, I maaay even let him get away with a reach around – idle appendages are the devil’s playthings after all - but that’s as far as I’ll go.

Unless winter lasts longer than 5 months. A fella can only hold out for so long. Tee-hee.

Happy shoveling.

*Not making a slur here…just saying he dresses somewhat FAHBULOUS (snap snap) to not at least ask the question.
**For the record, I did see the first two Twilights as rentals. I have kids, don’t judge. But it does allow me to know that of which I speak. Those movies are horrible. Seriously, horrible. And I’ve watched a lot of dreck in my life. Those two Twilight movies rank right down there with the dreckiest of dreck right along with the Alvin and the Chipmunk movies (I have kids, don’t judge, again.)
***Hard to believe right? You’ll need to excuse the devlish imagery. I’m smack in the middle of The Master and the Margarita and the scene where Margarita, doused in blood, is drawn into Satan’s Ball. After you’ve enjoyed the descriptions of Woland and his retinue, you’ll never see the devil any other way…if you go about seeing the devil, that is.

11 comments:

Sun Runner said...

If you thought the first two Twilight movies were bad, I caution you against seeing the third installment, "Eclipse." It will make you want to slit your wrists and run into the middle of I-96 and wait for a semi to run you over. Seriously, it's that bad. Probably one of the worst movies I've ever seen. If you HAVE to watch it...make sure you're really drunk. It's the only way to survive. You still might be scarred for life.

Also, I recall a certain race in Boston is also held in mid-April, thereby requiring one's long runs be completed in February/March. Is the cachet of training for Boston in winter more noteworthy than training for the Lansing Marathon in winter? I guess so.

Alternatively, there will also be an inaugural Ann Arbor Marathon on June 17 next year. I think mid-June is not a good time for a marathon in Michigan. If we're in the middle of one of those early-summer heat waves, it will make what happened in Chicago in 2007 like like a joke. Poor planning, people!

Ironman By Thirty said...

What does having kids have to do with the fact that you most likely watched both Twilight movies on your own (with books in hand I might add) ogling* over Team Edward. (Or are you Team Jacob?)

And what? You can get ready for a May marathon (Bayshore), but an April marathon is just too hard (twss)? Man up. You are getting soft.

*I can never remember if ogling has 1 "o" or 2 so I Googled it. Here is the actual definition:

Stare at in a lecherous manner: "he was ogling her breasts"; "men who had turned up to ogle".

BrianFlash said...

I don't know how you northerners stand it. In St. Louis, the seasons are almost even - well, we have five months of heat, five months of cold and two months of just right. But there is no way in the world I could live further north.

Bring on global warming I say!

Vava said...

Michigan is mid-west? Who knew...

B.o.B. said...

And....I love Florida.

Laura said...

I ran a marathon near Lansing - in Saginaw. Is that not close enough for you?

David said...

So when I ran for an hour in the dark sleeting Tennessee night yesterday, that cold North wind was bringing a little Michigan? So, thanks. I guess.

Elizabeth said...

ha. You are a wimp. Man up about Old Man Winter.

But I DID watch the first two twilight movies and agree on your "reviews." My favorite two lines of horrible acting/scripting writing? "You look like DIAMONDS!" and "What? Go to Jacksonville? But I? But? Wha? I? Wha? Jacksonville?? But I...No!" If you listen closely, you can hear the director whispering, franticly, "Pssst, act! ACT!"

And yes I readily admit that I did read all four books in as many days. What can I say? I am a sucker for handsome vampires in literature form.

TCHusker - Nate said...

It snowed here for the second time--the first time it snowed I didn't even bother trying to run in it. I can deal with cold but I'll agree with you on snow. It's a huge pain.

Jill said...

I was going to slam you on the Boston training...but it appears someone beat me. You can thank me in Colorado for your upcoming snow, too. We got dumped on yesterday and according to the ol' jet stream, it's headed your way. You're welcome!

Danielle in Iowa in Seattle said...

See, this is why Seattle is pretty much running heaven. Two months of summer where it tops out at 80, two months of winter where it bottoms out at 30. Sure, we do a lot of running in the rain, but that's a minor point...