The Star Spangled Nitmos

You might have noticed my penchant for referring to myself in the third person. I like to do that. Nitmos thinks it’s pretty cool.

If you are a long time reader, you might also have noticed my equally penchanty penchant for modesty and humility and complete lack of self-aggrandizement. In fact, if there was an international award for being the Most Humble, I think I would win. Easily. That being said, who doesn’t want to be “spangled”? I was Bangled for a brief time in the late 80’s/early 90’s and that was fun. To be spangled is “to adorn or cause to sparkle by covering with or as if with spangles”. In other words…win an age group award?! I’ve been spangled with a few of those. One of which was a completely unspangled coffee mug though (like they couldn’t have hot glued a few spangles to it?!?). I’d like to add to the collection.

My SOS2 kicks into high gear over the next few weeks. My first 5k for the season is in 9 days. Am I ready? Well, let me ask you Mr./Mrs./Ms./Dr. Rhetorical, is a banner spangly? Rhetorical answer: It depends on the banner.

I’m ready to race. Whether or not I’m ready to meet my SOS2 goal is another thing. Sub 18 minutes? Who set that goal? I must have been snuffing some 18th century Mount Vernon home grown tobacco in the middle of a Carl Spackler Cannonball when drawing up that one.*

To meet sub 18 minutes in a 5k, you have to average around 5:45 minute miles. Running a 5:45 mile? No problem. Running three 5:45 miles? No problem, again. Running three 5:45 miles consecutively? That’s where the problem begins. My original plan was to run a mile, rest for a few minutes, knock off another mile, rest a bit longer, and then finish in a blaze of 5:45 glory. Boom! Sub 18 5k!

Then I read the race rules. Apparently, this particular 5k uses a “running clock” format where, get this – once the horn sounds – does not pause the clock for any runner as it records the amount of time it takes from start to finish. What the hell? If I’d have known that, I would have trained differently. All of this interval training has gotten me to the point where I can run my 5k at my desired speed…in intervals. And then the race does not support interval racing? Dude, there is going to be a lot of pissed off runners. Nitmos is not pleased.

To make matters worse, the race is held as part of the conclusion of the town’s yearly week long festival. I see a parade and fireworks already on the schedule. Talk about pressure! If I don’t meet my goal, what are they going to do about the parade and fireworks? What’s the point? Seems a bit presumptuous to plan a PR celebration when I wasn’t even clear on the race rules.

All I can do – all any of us can do – is show up and do the best we can. Race the 3.1 miles consecutively, per their guidelines, without a recovery jog and see how it goes. I’m hoping for a PR at the very least. I’ve done lots of intervals. My quads and hammies are strung tighter than a two string Susanna Hoffs model Rickenbacker guitar. If you turn me sideways you could play Walk Like An Egyptian on my taunt leg muscles (with a little tune bending on my whammy bar if you want – wink wink – know what I mean?)

I’m not racing this 4th of July. For those of you that are, I wish you the best. I hope that you win something star spangled.

I have another week to wait for my fireworks display. I can already feel the spangly age group award draped around my neck.

But if I don’t meet my goal? Blame it on Nitmos.

Happy trails and Happy 4th of July!


* Please see definition #2 for cannonball. At all costs, do not allow yourself to view definition #3.
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By the way, I have been carefully monitoring the results from my shirt poll on the Shirtless Coalition post. The results are…interesting. I’ll talk about them more next week while Vanilla is on sabbatical and unwilling/unable to respond. Much like the British were unwilling to respond at Yorktown.