Monday, July 06, 2009

On $9.99 Explosives and Cheap Fedoras

If I do say so myself, I waxed poetic last 4th of July about the injustice of Michigan’s anti-“good fireworks” laws. You can go here if you want to relive my sad lamentations concerning the lack of severed digits and third degree burns from last year. We have it rough up here in the mitten.

Unlike other states, Michiganians (or Michiganders? Can I get a ruling here?) are apparently viewed as minors. Other grown-up states are allowed access to the full arsenal of holiday explosives. Not us. We are allowed something called “fireworks” but, if those are fireworks, than a Timex with a lap button is as good as a Garmin. I plunked down $9.99 for a sack full of Michigan style holiday cheer. For this $9.99, there was absolutely no hope that I would be horribly burned during ignition. No chance that a bottle would tip at the last second sending a rocket of red, white, and blue trailing sparks into Grandma’s forehead.

This sad little unlit bag sat in a corner of the family lakeside cottage deck fairly yawning from self boredom waiting for the sky to darken. In the meantime, a quick trip to Target unexpectedly scored two black and white checkered fedoras for my colt and my nephew. Fedoras in a kid size? Yes, yes, they simply must be had. The pimp line runs strong in this family. Never too early to get them started. I set up a volleyball about shoulder height and had them back hand it all afternoon to get their pimp hands strong. They had pretty good technique…using a long sweeping motion going from seven o’clock up through the lower part of the volleyball to one o’clock. I left them there to practice and, when I returned an hour later, they now had three volleyballs. Not sure where the other two volleyballs came from but one of them seemed to be new in town and just looking for a place to stay. Meanwhile, a Cadillac ticked away in our driveway as it cooled from a recent trip.

Finally, it was time for the fireworks “show.” Sparklers! Yay. Some longer, inappropriately named sparklers called “Morning Glories” (no kidding). Double yay. Finally, the lighting of the $9.99 sack of Michigan approved fun. Each cigar sized fired work sent an innocent, non-threatening three foot plume of yellow or green or blue or red sparkles into the air. Basically, a deluxe sparkler. Triple yay. It was so safe that the mosquitoes gathered around the new light and barely winced when some sparkle residue attached to their needle nose. The kids with their fedoras took the opportunity to do some robotic dancing in the flickering light. The volleyballs even seemed to be having a good time until my colt noticed, gave one a wicked back hand, and yelled “Get back to work.”

Ten minutes later, the fun was over. We were all safe. Not one of us took a trip in an ambulance. Thanks Michigan, thanks a lot. Next year, I’m going to Indiana to pick up real fireworks so that we can celebrate America in the proper manner: with military grade explosives in the hands of half drunk amateurs and children in cheap fedoras with pimp dreams. God bless the USA!

Happy trails.
__________________________________

In the Shirtless Coalition, I conducted a poll to see who supports shirtless running and who hates babies does not. Turns out, a lot of you are here, are shirtless, and want everyone to get used to it. Fah-bulous!

Poll results - 86 votes (so far):

Support Shirtless Running 35% (30 votes)
Why does Vanilla hate America? 29% (25 votes)
Wants to see Nitmos pecs 22% (19 votes)
Baby hating/Does not support it 14% (12 votes)

If you count the number of folks who just want to see my granite chiseled pecs, that’s a mandate! So, run on shirtless runners! We support you!

Another thing the poll revealed is that there is still a strong contingent of folks wondering why Vanilla, the banker,
hates America. Short answer: I don’t know. He claims to be an American but then O.J. claims to be innocent too. What can you believe? I just know that – if I wanted to prove my patriotism – I wouldn’t do it by attacking Feet Meet Street, taking a curiously-timed sabbatical during 4th of July, and driving down home values. Right-o?
_________________________________

I'm a bit behind on everyone's recent races. I'll catch up with everyone soon. I think. Or I'll completely ignore you all. You probably deserve that anyhow right?

21 comments:

Marlene said...

What's the 4th of July without a trip the ER?!

Katie said...

Should have been in my town! I live 2 blocks from the police, yet there were more fireworks on my street than at the real show!

Jessica said...

how about Michiganeers??

B.o.B. said...

Baby pimps in training. Awesome. (Make sure they get their pimp cups soon. They'll need practice with those as well.)

RazZDoodle said...

as part of the shirtless coalition, I propose we get t-shirts to commemorate our unity.

Vanilla said...

It's too bad you couldn't get your hands on some military grade, made in China, defective explosives and done some real damage to yourself. I hope that this is the last year of you disappointing me in such fashion, but I sincerely doubt it.

M2Marathon said...

We have the same "fireworks" here in Colorado. Though I believe they use the excuse of "potential wildfire iginition mechanisms" as a way of justifying the fact that they don't think we are responsible enough to pick up the severed thumb before heading to the ER. Whatev. My kids got those little snappers that you throw on the ground; and believe you me, it was not 10 minutes before BOTH of them had crushed them between a thumb and forefinger, anticipating a severed digit and being sorely (pun intended) disappointed in the very mild pain inflicted. Not even a single tear from the 3-year-old!

And where are those pecs?! We're waaaaaitiiiiing....

theloosemoose said...

My state outlaws fireworks, as well. Which is completely fine by me as even my four slice toaster scares the hell outta me. Also I hate Light Brites - they're just a fiery mess waiting to happen.

Stop reading all your comments and just show us your pecs, you Michigonian.

Rural Runner E said...

I love the idea of getting t-shirts to commemerate your shirtless coalition.

Kevin said...

What no firecrackers, roman candles, no bottle rockets, no m-80s...disappointing. What is July 4th without the risk of blowing off a finger or toe

Robin said...

My state sells fireworks with karate supplies and adult ahem novelty items...diversity at it's finest. So the fedoras weren't for an MJ Smooth Criminal dedication?!

Morgan said...

Good ol' Michigan "fireworks"... I'm a former Michigander myself (I always go with "Michigander" personally... I think it's from those old "Immunize your little Michigander" commercials) I remember smuggling real fire works up from the border of smelly Indiana and then someone always getting busted after almost burning down a corn field. Those were the days... ;)

Blyfinn said...

I feel bad for you. It's just really not the 4th if there is no chance someone is not going to get third degree burns or lose a limb.

Jess said...

Sounds like a fun 4th despite the lack of ambulance trips!

Viper said...

We're minors in Ohio too. That, or the powers that be think we're a little too touched in the head to be trusted with screaming bottle rockets, Roman candles and pin wheels.

I'm starting to come around to the shirtless coalition. As one of your commenters said, I got over myself.

Ace said...

Why is it that every cool state with unfortunate fireworks banning laws is bordered by a very undesirable state that allows the sale of plastic explosives to middle schoolers? Desperate for attention I suppose. By extending this logic, Ohio must be engaged in the sale of suitcase nuclear devices. Assuming they are still in the Union?

Al's CL Reviews said...

Georgia are minors too in terms of fireworks.

Irish Cream said...

I think I've managed to injure myself with even just sparklers before . . . so you probably should have invited me over for the 4th! But then again, considering your colt and nephew are pimps in training, I might have respectfully declined. I hate my job and all, but maybe not THAT much ;)

Ted said...

Miss the good old days of lighting up the bottle rockets. NJ is a minor, too! Liability is always an issue. I had nearly lost a finger so can relate to that!

Spike said...

I always import some 'adult' explosives for my 4th of July party. One time two little hobbits set off the red dragon firework prematurely...silly little hobbits.

also, for clarification purposes, I am not opposed to shirtless running, just guys who are carrying their shirt as they run. either you are going to walk out that door shirtless or you keep the shirt on, none of this “I’m getting hot” so I take off the shirt mid-run.

sRod said...

One of my favorite lines from the Simpsons: Celebrate your country's independence by blowing up a small piece of it.