Thursday, May 14, 2009

2011 Should Be Fun!

I won’t turn 40 for another twenty-two months. Lots of time between then and now to still pretend that I’m ‘only a few years out of college.’ And time to figure out ‘what I want to do with my life.’ Eventually, however, 40 will come. I’ve decided to dramatically decrease the number of scatological references I use in my every day conversation at that time. It seems undignified somehow for a quatragenarian.*

Many times, I sit at my desk – smelling Cube Farters intestinally emitted Arby’s residue – and wonder what I’ll do with myself When I Grow Up. I have a perfectly grown-up job that pays the mortgage and keeps my weekends soaked in beer. However, I can’t say that I expected to spend my days mentally categorizing the sound, smell, and, yes, taste of a middle aged man’s mid afternoon gaseous excretions from a distance of eight feet. I majored in Economics for chrissakes (though, to be fair, my minor was Bung Expellents.)

From a career perspective, I might still be holding my nose, both literally and figuratively, and performing the demanded tasks. From a running perspective, my goals and path have never been clearer. I know exactly where I want to go. And how fast I want to get there.

Besides the SOS2 goals and the BQ pursuits and the marathons, I’m looking forward to the summer of 2011. I’ll be 40. I’ll qualify to pursue the USATF Masters All American road running certification administered by the National Master News publication. Why is that important I ask myself rhetorically? It isn’t. Except there is a chart full of numbers that says You Did Something That Some Person Somewhere Decided Was Significant In Some Way. And I really, really love the word Some (apparently.)

The USATF has issued guidelines for runners – men and women – in five year age groups from 5 km to marathon distance. If you can meet that standard in a documented event, you are a USATF certified Master. Judging by my love affair – and pursuit - with the BQ standard, it’s not so much of a stretch to see how this would appeal to me, right? I love trying to obtain a goal that Someone I Don’t Know has set. (Too bad I don’t also have the same drive when trying to meet Someone I Do Knows goals – my boss – or maybe I wouldn’t have a thick, slowly evaporating cloud of spicy curly fry odor strained through roughly 23 feet of a man’s small intestines hovering around my head right now.) I’m pretty sure that, if you hung a tennis ball on a string 30 feet over my driveway and told me that other folks my age have been able to jump up and grab it, you’d see me out there every day arms extended practicing my leap.

As I look over the standards, I’m fully capable of meeting each and every one of them right now. But I’m 38. There’s still nearly two years of knee synovial fluid degeneration. There’s still a few thousand miles to run. There’s still time for…get those damn kids off my lawn I’M KEEPING YOUR BALL YOU LITTLE PUNKS….

Sorry, where was I?

If you are over 40, you might want to check these standards out for yourself to see if you can gain certification from Somebody. If I can just maintain my speed over the next two years, obtaining the USATF Masters certification will be easier than complaining about Kids These Days. 2011 should be fun!

I hope that makes Someone happy.

Now, where are my shorts and wing tipped shoes, I need to cut the lawn...

Happy trails.

* But perfectly acceptable for a trigenarian so you’ll still see plenty of references to fecally related topics sprinkled liberally here over the next 22 months. Don’t worry.
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My filly's 2-0 soccer team record became 2-1 last night after a 10-4 beat down. My filly? Four goals. I guess it should have been eleven then, shouldn't it? No dinner for her.

20 comments:

tfh said...

Ooh, if I shave my 10k by four minutes in the next thirteen years, I'll get a certificate! Where did you say that tennis ball is hanging?

Marlene said...

All I can say is that if I can complete a marathon when I'm 95+ (even if it takes 19 hours), I'm going to want more than a certificate!

Roisin said...

I think it's perfectly alright for you to start shaking your fist at those darn kids right now. Practice makes perfect!

Marcy said...

40 . . . yeah so you can get your senior citizen discount now, right? I KID! Like I should talk. I'm no spring chicken myself.

RazZDoodle said...

You're old.

I'm thinkin' Arby's.

Spike said...

don't get me started about what a scam that "Roast Burger" is...I got robbed.

those goals seem easy, but I'm also 9 years away...I don't suppose I'll slow down more than a second a year...

and because your filly failed to score enough goals to win the game, you should eliminate one of her friends.

Xenia said...

You should really think about investing in a gas mask.

Congrats to the filly for being a one-girl soccer team. Perhaps you should have allowed her at least some bread and water. She did score all the goals for her team after all.

Marathon Maritza said...

Shouldn't have read all these fart references while having breakfast at my desk...

I'll check out those over 40 stats...in 11 years.

Congrats to your filly! Wow! She single-handedly carried the team...I think the problem is all the OTHER guys...

Ted said...

Just a warning note for you... try not to think about using a bic lighter in your office.

Vava said...

Hey, I was told that I could be somebody someday. Somehow this tells me that I could potentially set some arbitrary goal for which I could certify some group of other somebodys for something that they somehow achieved by following some plan in some certain sort of way. Something to ponder...

Running and living said...

Things like these make turning 40 easier! I still have 5 years until then, and these goals seem v reasonable now (and some even easy), and I am actually getting faster as the easier go bye, so we shall see...Thanks for the info, Ana-Maria

Vanilla said...

I don't think I've ever felt better about being 33.

Jess said...

Oooh fancy. Must maintain for the next 15 years!

Blyfinn said...

Now I'm thinking Arby's. So was it the filly's fault with the loss or was it the coaching?

Lauren said...

You could do what we do here, burn a candle. Now our office smells like Arby's farts AND sweet pea. It's surprisingly pleasant.

Beth said...

Don't forget your black socks when you cut the grass. Am I the only over 40 person around here? Bummer...

Marci said...

People that consume Arby's should be banned from the office after lunch..
I like the Masters idea, it helps keep you motivated when PR no longer occur. Thanks for the info.

Ace said...

mmm arbitrarily set standards by unknown individuals.....tasty.
Kinda like the Arby's Big Montana, is this why I got stuck in the corner?

MizFit said...

2 months and 3 days for me.
Id better get to training.

sRod said...

I have a good 15 years before I'm associated with the term Master. But nice to know that there is such a thing as a Master certificate--it just sounds fancy.