Who's Laughing Now?

From Yahoo! News, Thursday, Nov. 6th:

PRESCOTT, Ariz. – Authorities in Arizona say a jogger attacked by a rabid fox ran a mile with the animal's jaws clamped on her arm and then drove herself to a hospital. The Yavapai County sheriff's office said the woman told deputies she was on a trail near Prescott on Monday when the fox attacked and bit her foot.

She said she grabbed the fox by the neck when it went for her leg but it bit her arm.

The woman wanted the animal tested for rabies so she ran a mile to her car with the fox still biting her arm, then pried it off and tossed it in her trunk and drove to the Prescott hospital.

The sheriff's office says the fox later bit an animal control officer. He and the woman are both receiving rabies vaccinations.

At first glance, this story about an Arizona jogger, ahem, runner who arrived at an emergency room with a fox firmly clenched to her arm seems mildly humorous but, ultimately, dismissive. Poor schmuck (schmuckette? Is there a gender difference in this word?) Sucks to be you!

However, we need to remember two important things here.

First, "Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race For The Cure" from NBC’s show The Office somehow doesn’t seem so funny now, does it? Rabies is a very real concern for us runners. And now with an actual documented instance, I hope you’ll all join me in condemning those who laugh and joke about this dreadful disease and our threat to it. After all, it might be YOU that comes back from your next run with a rabid porcupine attached to your pelvic bone.

Second, the story makes no mention of the woman’s time for her mile with the fox attached to her arm. I’m pretty sure this would be one of the quickest miles I would have ever run if put in her situation. I’m willing to bet this is a world record for the Rabid Fox One Mile run. And most likely, the record will stand for some time.

The truly sad part of this tale is that the animal control officer, when provided with perhaps a once in a lifetime opportunity to challenge the woman’s world record, opted for the DNF. Booooooo. Way to suck it up, animal control officer. It’s not like you couldn’t be treated after you ran a mile with the fox attached to you. The rabies ain’t going away. Show some heart…some drive to succeed!

Anyway, congratulations to Arizona Woman on her rabid fox one mile PR! (I assume it’s a PR anyhow.)
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So, about that election the other night. I guess I shouldn’t have started my campaign the morning of the election. By nature, I’m a procrastinator. I feel like things usually resolve themselves if I ignore them and those that don’t are probably such big jobs that I never would have gotten them completed on time anyhow. That’s how I’ve soared to such mediocre career heights! Share the secret. I’m sure this is the governing style most of you desired as well. I was flattered by the many comments indicating a desire to vote for me.

Which is why you haven’t seen me on your TV conceding just yet. There are still votes to be counted. Hanging chads to be unhung, local officials to be intimidated, recounts to be demanded. And everyone knows the write-in votes take longer to process. I’m sure most of you have pretty sloppy handwriting and spelling, ugh, I can only imagine. This could take awhile. I wrote me in. So, by my count, I’m roughly 64 million votes behind. But there is a large bloc of heavy pro-Nitmos votes coming in from Canada as I understand it. And the heavy Nitmos chartreuse counties along the Wyoming/Mississippi border haven’t been counted yet. There’s still a chance here.

The nerve of Obama and the networks to go ahead and call this thing and basically take the voice of the Nitmos Nation away before they’ve been heard is very, very rude. I was going to put on my navy pants, light blue blazer (I don’t have a matching jacket for the pants unfortunately), and my stove pipe Lincoln hat I still own from my 6th grade play and hold an indignant, accusatory press conference but, you know, that’s a lot of work and can wait ‘til later…

Happy trails.