I’m pressing on with my no plan training schedule. I don’t know what I’m training for right now exactly but still I’m hitting my 3 runs per week. I guess I’m training to stay “in shape”. Or maybe I’m holding out hope that my mixed martial arts (MMA) career is just blossoming. I can shadow box with the best of ‘em. There can’t be much difference between punching an imaginary assailant and brawling with a real psychotic behemoth that still comes at you when his shattered femur is jutting through the skin like a piece of snapped driftwood, right?
In my imagination though, I’m a real lion.
So I suited up last evening in my long sleeve wicking shirt, wicking zip up vest, wind jacket, hat, gloves, shorts and wind pants for a nice run in 30 degrees and snow fluttering sky.
Five miles. Maybe some 800’s around the high school track (if it isn’t covered in ice).
As soon as I left my house, the wind picked up sending the light snow shooting sideways into my face. I could see the faces from the passing cars looking at me with that this guy is nuts look. That’s okay, for every look, I was sprouting another hair on my awesome man-beast-lionesque chest. Keep the deriding looks coming, I’ll be Sasquatch by the time I return.
The track was only lightly covered in snow so, what the hell, I’ll do some 800’s. Around and around I go into a stifling wind whenever I turn north. The snow has turned to a sleet mix. I can’t even open my eyes until I round the next bend. For every half lap, I’m the Ray Charles of running.
I did learn one thing that should be fairly obvious but, since I’m a little dense, wasn’t to me. I normally run clockwise on the track with my Garmin on my left wrist (i.e. outside of body from the center of the track). Common knowledge has it that each lap of the track is ¼ mile. My Garmin consistently registers ¼ miles while I’m still roughly 50 feet from the mark. I was thinking my high school track was not standard. You can see where this is going right? Last night, I ran counter clockwise so my Garmin was on the inside edge. Guess what? The ¼ mile markers lined up perfectly with one lap. Go figure. Don’t wear Garmin on the outer wrist especially if, like me, your arms flop around like a spastic. Apparently, I’m geometrically challenged that way.
Sorry for that tangent, let me get back to my story arc. After completing the circumference of the track for several laps, I marshaled on home through a driving blizzard of snow. My eyes crusted shut like a medication neglecting, pink eye sufferer.*
The snow was coming down hard. Visibility was low. The faces from the car windows shifted from condemning annoyance to sheer surprise. My running gear and knit hat covered in snow.
Arriving home, I checked the mirror and I looked like a well proportioned, though oddly bewitching, snowman. I believe the car people were surprised to see Frosty out for a jog.
I didn’t become lifeless when I removed the hat but I did visually confirm three new chest hair sprouts under all of the layers. A run like that brings out the lion in me. My brock lesnarian heart now melting the ice and sleet.
I’m ready to take those MMA pansies on. I would so kick their asses. Ever punch anyone with your Garmin? Just how big is the radius of an MMA ring anyway?
*No? Was that metaphor a bit of a stretch?