Friday, November 21, 2008

Out Like A Lion, In Like A Snowman

I’m pressing on with my no plan training schedule. I don’t know what I’m training for right now exactly but still I’m hitting my 3 runs per week. I guess I’m training to stay “in shape”. Or maybe I’m holding out hope that my mixed martial arts (MMA) career is just blossoming. I can shadow box with the best of ‘em. There can’t be much difference between punching an imaginary assailant and brawling with a real psychotic behemoth that still comes at you when his shattered femur is jutting through the skin like a piece of snapped driftwood, right?

In my imagination though, I’m a real lion.

So I suited up last evening in my long sleeve wicking shirt, wicking zip up vest, wind jacket, hat, gloves, shorts and wind pants for a nice run in 30 degrees and snow fluttering sky.

Five miles. Maybe some 800’s around the high school track (if it isn’t covered in ice).

As soon as I left my house, the wind picked up sending the light snow shooting sideways into my face. I could see the faces from the passing cars looking at me with that this guy is nuts look. That’s okay, for every look, I was sprouting another hair on my awesome man-beast-lionesque chest. Keep the deriding looks coming, I’ll be Sasquatch by the time I return.

The track was only lightly covered in snow so, what the hell, I’ll do some 800’s. Around and around I go into a stifling wind whenever I turn north. The snow has turned to a sleet mix. I can’t even open my eyes until I round the next bend. For every half lap, I’m the Ray Charles of running.

I did learn one thing that should be fairly obvious but, since I’m a little dense, wasn’t to me. I normally run clockwise on the track with my Garmin on my left wrist (i.e. outside of body from the center of the track). Common knowledge has it that each lap of the track is ¼ mile. My Garmin consistently registers ¼ miles while I’m still roughly 50 feet from the mark. I was thinking my high school track was not standard. You can see where this is going right? Last night, I ran counter clockwise so my Garmin was on the inside edge. Guess what? The ¼ mile markers lined up perfectly with one lap. Go figure. Don’t wear Garmin on the outer wrist especially if, like me, your arms flop around like a spastic. Apparently, I’m geometrically challenged that way.

Sorry for that tangent, let me get back to my story arc. After completing the circumference of the track for several laps, I marshaled on home through a driving blizzard of snow. My eyes crusted shut like a medication neglecting, pink eye sufferer.*

The snow was coming down hard. Visibility was low. The faces from the car windows shifted from condemning annoyance to sheer surprise. My running gear and knit hat covered in snow.

Arriving home, I checked the mirror and I looked like a well proportioned, though oddly bewitching, snowman. I believe the car people were surprised to see Frosty out for a jog.

I didn’t become lifeless when I removed the hat but I did visually confirm three new chest hair sprouts under all of the layers. A run like that brings out the lion in me. My brock lesnarian heart now melting the ice and sleet.

I’m ready to take those MMA pansies on. I would so kick their asses. Ever punch anyone with your Garmin? Just how big is the radius of an MMA ring anyway?

5.0 miles
34:56 time
6:59 pace

Happy trails.

*No? Was that metaphor a bit of a stretch?

28 comments:

Marcy said...

A lion, huh? I always thought of myself as a ninja in my imagination. Interesting.

Lisa Slow-n-Steady said...

Frosty the Jogging Snowman - Cool!

Xenia said...

I know I shouldn't be shocked, but I can't believe you guys are already getting so much snow. I think I've been away too long.

Have a good weekend.

P.S.--I think Blogger is trying to tell me something. The verification word is 'bedumbr'.

joyRuN said...

Frosty pulling off a 6:59 pace. Sickening, I tell you!

Enjoy the chest hair sprouts.

Turi said...

I think the radius of an MMA ring depends on which arm you wear your Garmin on...

Chad in the Arizona Desert said...

"Just how big is the radius of an MMA ring anyway?"
-----
Umm, not large enough to stay away from "a real psychotic behemoth" until the end of the round. And as Mick said, they can cause a large variety of damage.

Run Nitmos, run! Ouch...

RazZDoodle said...

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit after reading "man-beast-lionesque chest". Thanks.

Marlene said...

Better get used to these snowman runs.

But don't you love winter running just because you get to feel so hardcore (or is it maniacal?) when those drivers give you "the look"?

I've already been honked at ... I don't know if they're annoyed that I'm on the road and just letting me know I'm insane...

Viv said...

Holy heck, Batman...I always knew I came here for some funny sarcasm but today I walk out of this blog with some great knowlege. Well, except for the Nitmos race pace theory still use that one.

I am going to switch the Garmin hand and see how it goes.

Have a great weekend.

*aron* said...

i cant imagine running in the snow... i am glad i dont have to :)

never thought about the garmin/wrist thing... definitely good to know :)

Vanilla said...

I'm sure it won't surprise anyone, least of all yourself, to learn that you're wrong. I think a track is 400 meters which means it's really not exactly a quarter mile. A mile is 1609 meters, so a quarter mile would be 402.3 meters.

nwgdc said...

I was going to correct you about 400 meters vs 1/4 mile...D@mn that Vanilla!

Anyway...do your arms really flail THAT much? Wow! Perhaps it's more that your shoulders are sooo wide and broad...to hold that enormous head up.

Viper said...

I'd just like to jump on the bandwagon and point out your stupidity. Track distance also varies by which lane you're in. Shocking!

Vava said...

All measurements aside, the rest of the world runs counterclockwise, so why did you pick clockwise???

steersldp said...

Stoopid, just Stoopid

Wear a hat or visor to keep the sleet out of your eyes and from getting night blindness from passing cars.

Otherwise, a decent run, at least by your standards

tfh said...

Running against driving snow and wind is a workout unto itself. May the extra hair keep you warm.

Amy said...

That used to be my life--but now I have a TM. I haven't learned to hate it yet, but we'll see.

seejessrun said...

I'm headed to Michigan for Thanksgiving and I'm scared.

Marathon Maritza said...

you are hardcore!

You should come run with us Cali folks....it was 80 degrees last weekend. *gloat*

Blyfinn said...

I've had one of these runs also this year. Although I believe it had the opposite effect on my chest hair. I think it froze some off.

KC Stine said...

Maybe you should change your blog name to Kimbo Nitmos, the 3-haired monster. Has a nice ring.

"Geometrically challenged"? May need to borrow that excuse!

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

The looks from the faces in the passing cars could easily've been explained if you'd just slowed down enough to see that it was the Witch and the Wardrobe and they just wanted to catch up to you so you could all get back to Narnia where, I hear, it's a comfortable 75 degrees right now, sunny, lightly breezy. But no, you had to do your run instead. Pfft! I can't believe C.S. Lewis picked you to be his Christ figure. No wonder he's dead.

Marci said...

I have a real pet peeve about drivers that don't understand why runners need to run on the road and not the sidewalk! Stooopid people!

Amanda said...

Proof again that all a Garmin does is mess with your mind!

Cindy said...

this post may explain the yeti sightings i had read about...

Fitness blogger said...

Great post thanks

sRod said...

Yeah, I'm finding it particularly difficult to convince myself to go running in the cold this year. I need to get over that fast, but with posts like yours going around I'll never go out there!