Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Somewhere Between Heaven and Snickers

I have a problem. A monkey on my back.

I sent the kids out on Halloween night to beg for sweets with the full knowledge that I would be eating ½ of the contents of their bags. They were tired and dispirited but I pressed them to knock on that one last door as that might hold the elusive full size candy bar. They were asked to go to the far, lonely house with the police tape and chalk outline because I sensed a King Size Snickers.

And now I can’t stop eating junk food.

Like good communists, we stripped their individual bags from them and dumped them into a family community bowl that sits on the kitchen counter. They no longer own their own candy. The house owns it and disperses it as it sees fit (i.e. they get what Mrs. Nitmos and I don’t want.)

While I have been busy engaging in Deadly Sins sloth and gluttony, a third sin has been carried into my brain on a wave of androgens and estrogens.* Lust.

I heart that candy bowl. I pick through it like a hobo at a Bennigan’s dumpster anxiously searching for a half eaten Monte Cristo. I get depressed when I’m at work and it’s a home all alone. If it had ears, I’d make it a mix tape loaded with Pat Benatar, Hall and Oates and some Air Supply.

What does any of this have to do with running? Well, of course, we know that nutrition is said to shape our bodies and fuel our runs. If true, then I’m four planks wide like a Kit Kat (maybe 2 planks for the mini-size, at least) and can run like a Baby Ruth. Despite my general chocolaty squareness (ChocolateNitmos Squarepants), I haven’t really noticed a problem with my speed. Or weight. Normally, my race day fighting weight is around 158 lbs. I stepped on the scale this Sunday expecting a 163 or so and found…159. I also managed a pretty normal pre-Halloween style run of:

6.30 miles
44:34 time
7:05 pace

Maybe all of this nutrition mumbo jumbo is just that. Mumbo jumbo. Lies spread by the vegetable and toothpaste lobbies. Maybe sugar and sweets can fuel my runs. Maybe it is good for my teeth.

I’ve kept the vegetables locked away in the refrigerator lately. The carrots and apples in the frig part (gen. pop). The frozen vegetables in the freezer (solitaire). I’m still eating bananas. Banana Laffy Taffy, that is. The kids don’t seem to like this flavor so I find the little yellow packages dotted through out the candy bowl. Silly kids. Don’t they know they need their potassium? Plus, you can extract little pockets of taffy from between your teeth at unexpected times for the rest of the day.

My dinners have consisted of a hunk of beef (unwrapped full size Snickers) and a side of mixed vegetables (if you squint real hard the Skittles do the trick). My after dinner dessert involves downing SweetTarts ‘til I get the sugar sweats and I mop my forehead.

The only down side seems to be that the sugar molecules are locking arms and putting up resistance in my colon. It’s a regular sit in protest going on. Lech “Milky Way” Walesa and Cesar “Starburst” Chavez are holding my lower g.i. hostage. While the candy bowl has been socialized, my colon appears to be unionized.

Despite the scale, I’ve noticed a few new aerodynamic ripples on my abdomen** for Mrs. Nitmos to enjoy. All of this talk of smooth lines and sleek, rounded curves and tapered lines to maximize wind flow, speed and efficiency. More mumbo jumbo? Is this just another lie from the aerodynamic lobby? After all, 17th century sailors seemed to do just fine with big, lumbering ships with puffed out sails. Maybe, instead of a six pack, I should strive for a ballooned out blimp belly?

Lust. It’s got me rethinking everything I thought I knew these days. Bless Mrs. Nitmos for tolerating my time of introspection. Bless her nougaty goodness and marshmallow crème heart.

Happy chocolate trails.

* We all have estrogen. Look it up.
** And though I can’t confirm it, I suspect there might be a couple new matching dimples on my ass as well.

42 comments:

RazZDoodle said...

I stopped at "I have a problem." and got Snark Overload.

What were you talking about again?

KimsRunning said...

Throw some beer and a big bag o'chips in there and you'll shave one full minute off your 5K. It's true. I've been doing t all along.

Brooke said...

Hmm...when you go through the candy bowl (like a hobo) do you where the shirt your son borrowed for Halloween? Maybe he was on to something... ;)

theloosemoose said...

Your post made me nostalgic for candy. My moose calves are much older than your colt and filly, and they no longer fill the communal candy bowl - wretched nearly full grown children!

When I was a kid they sold Marathon candy bars. It was a braided bar of chocolate covered caramel, and there was a kick ass ruler on the back of the wrapper. I'm thinking that a dozen or so Marathon bars per day could result in a new PR - Portly and Rotund.

Xenia said...

Besides the peeing standing up thing, I envy men their metabolisms. If I had been on that same sugar binge, I'd be twenty pounds heavier and lucky to be able to walk let alone run.

Blast you and your testosterone.

Lily on the Road said...

Just don't get all cheesey with those new ripples and dimples....

hey Moose, I remember the marathon bar...now that was cool packaging!!

Danielle in Iowa said...

Well, the dimples on a golf ball are there to make the ball have less drag so it goes faster and farther. If it works for golf balls, it has to work for my ass, right? Right?

Blyfinn said...

Hope Mrs. Nitmos is enjoying her new golf balls. (read Danielle's comment if needed)

Spartan7 said...

My wife an I have been members of the communist party since our kids were born, but we disguise ourselves as "socialists."

Now put down that 3 Musketeers ... I'll confiscate that, and the Twix in your back pocket!

Marcy said...

You're nice about the candy. F that shiz those kids are lucky to even get any. I'm a dictator when it comes to that stuff.

Sarah said...

I side with your kids - banana laffy taffy is disgusting.

Al's CL Reviews said...

I found beer and ice cream slow you down, but beer and candy can get you a PR.

Vanilla said...

I usually eat the candy my kids don't want or like. Of course, in our house I get to decide what they want and like so it works out pretty well for me.

nwgdc said...

I have been in the same boat you are. Wandering aimlessly from one delicious item to another. While you have only been upsetting your children, Ellie is starting to get pissed about my ice cream intake.
That's it--i am running this weekend, and I am taking candy along to eat FOR ENERGY purposes only. As if the other 17 lbs I have ingested won't suffice...

Viper said...

Finally, some scientific research I can believe. I knew that Halloween candy was good for me! So are the recent pies and brownies.

joyRuN said...

Huh. Based on this very enlightening post, it seems as though I've been approaching my pre-marathon nutrition all wrong.

I don't like the candy my kids got. Good thing my nearby drugstore is selling all the lovely ginormous packs of candy at 50% off!

Mir said...

Ugh, I am the same way. I can't stop eating junk food. This week will be different! :) Halloween through New Year's is a full-out assault!

Marlene said...

I am actually surprised & impressed that there's still candy in the bowl. How long were those kids out for????

I had to send the rest of our leftovers to my Dad when I realized I have gained 7 lbs since summer. Damn you men and your not gaining weight!

Amanda said...

No, don't fill my head with sweet dreams of being able to live on chocolate with no consequences... it's just too dreamy to be true and thus I will be devastated when I gain a million pounds and can no longer run.

tfh said...

Thank you.

I think reading this post actually made me crave vegetables.

And let me be the first to say it, amd perhaps the only one to say it: I was expectating so much more from your lust post.

seejessrun said...

I distinctly remember one winter break in college when I sat around eating Hershey's Kisses all day and somehow lost weight.

Ms. V. said...

Remember, a fun sized candy bar does NOT equal a fun sized butt.

We still have a full bowl.

Yet, the Snickers seem to have disappeared.

Viv said...

LMAO, I love that the kids get ones you two decline! Is that not why I became a parent?! I had my kid knocking on so many doors he was begging to go home. To which I would respond when I was your age I never quit, you keep going to that pumpkin is full then empty and reload.

Chad in the Arizona Desert said...

"I’d make it a mix tape loaded with Pat Benatar, Hall and Oates and some Air Supply."
-------------
No way, you can't have a mix tape without Oingo Boingo and Flock of Seaguls.

*aron* said...

i only allow myself halloween candy while taking an ice bath :) also not having kids, i only have what is left over from trick or treaters so i purposely bought stuff that wasn't my favorite.

Sarah said...

Just last Friday we were at our favorite local pizza joint and there was a giant tub of Halloween candy right next to my elbow on the bar. After rooting around in it and cherry-picking some select morsels (Reese Peanut Butter Cups (FULL-SIZE), Snickers, Kit Kat) I hit the MOTHER LODE hidden way down at the very bottom:

A FULL-SIZED BUTTERFINGER.

I didn't share it either. It was ALLLLLL MIIIIIINE.

chia said...

LMAO... there goes Nitmos disproving the theory that some people are built for comfort... and some for speed.

Oye. Poor Mrs. Nitmos.

Two Left Feet said...

who needs science? i have nitmos - and you feed into my subconscious id quite nicely. =)

Meg said...

I'm jealous, I wish I could eat all the candy I wanted and stay the same! Maybe when you get that colon thing worked out your stomach will flatten back out? Ew.

Brianna said...

It is like you've been looking through our windows . . . except the kids only get about 1/5 of the candy at our place (they are, afterall, just 4 and 21 months - and our son has food allergies, so no chocolate for him . . . ). Maybe I should check my cheeks for matching dimples, too . . . ugh! Thanks for the great laugh this afternoon.

Scott said...

I've done research to validate your findings. I ate ALL of my kids candy from Halloween, gained at LEAST 5 lbs. and ended up running my best 50 miler this past wknd. I'm stickin with the junk food diet.

Russ said...

I like your thinking!!!! My son was sent out to do the same, whilst I "quality tested" the bowl that our neighborhood munchkins came for.

Reluctant Runner said...

I actually tried substituting mini-Snickers for Energy Gels on a run last Halloween. Not a good idea.

Maggs said...

This is not the case with me. Damn you for being able to eat kitkats and run just fine.

Marci said...

I kinda of agree with your theory. I drank beer and pigged out on candy before my last marathon, and it was a PR.

Vava said...

Nice post! I too am partaking of the communal halloween stash, though it's communal in name only at our house since it rests much to high for the short ones to reach! I also love the Lech Walesa reference - our family left Poland just a few short months before Martial Law was instilled, and Mr. Walesa was imprisoned. Your post hits home, in bitter-sweet fashion. Kudos!

Ovens2Betsy said...

I can TOTALLY relate! Although I think most of the "cleansing/detox" diets are a bunch of hooey, I do feel the need to fill myself up with a bunch of veggies, especially this time of year (Can't. Resist. Candy-corn.) So I've created my own version of a cleanse -- for breakfast and lunch I drink a smoothie that's basically the contents of my crisper drawer (kale, celery, carrots, cilantro, plus frozen berries, bananas and soy milk or orange juice and almonds). I then have a simple chicken breast with herbs for dinner. Mind you, given today is my birthday (I'm sure your present is in the mail), I'm now poisoning myself again, but at least I had two days of eating "clean!"

I Run for Fun said...

God bless you, Nitmos! We need to hear about the virtues of candy at the start of the holiday season.

Melissa said...

I was such a weird mother I wouldn't let my girls go Trick-or-treating and my neighbors thought that was child abuse. So eventually I let them go out, and after a couple of disastrous years of fighting amongst themselves about candy from November 1 to Christmas, I made them eat all their candy on Halloween night and threw what they couldn't eat away.

Looking back on all that, I think I must have been out of my mind. I don't think I would have the nerve now.

Jessica said...

Nitmos...things are very similiar at my house! I just posted about the ridiculous amounts of food I am consuming. I titled it "Padlock the Fridge." At least I am not the only one! Jessica (www-sole-mama.blogspot.com)

sRod said...

Fortunately there's no bowl like that here. Unfortunately we did happen to get stuck with 5 cupcakes left over from a party and a box of cookies my mother-in-law sent from her bakery.

The work from Marathon season can be so quickly undone.

Jeff said...

You've mentioned "hobo" in two of four posts. Must be something to that. Not sure what, though.