Tuesday, November 04, 2008

My Impressive James Madisons

It’s election day in America. The day when our employers refuse to allow us time off to stand in line for hours in the rain and cast a ballot that will be immediately invalidated due to a voting machine snafu. Third world!

Though I’ve received no emails or phone calls, I firmly believe most of you are waiting for me to tell you who to vote for. And the answer? Nitmos, of course. Write me in. If you didn’t anticipate that answer, clearly you haven’t read this blog very closely. The only thing that eclipses the size of my ego is my rather impressive James Madisons. There is, in fact, a third party candidate on the ballot that shares my real last name. Don’t vote for that guy. Write in Nitmos. Everyone will know who you mean.

As president, I promise to federally subsidize chip timing for all races that don’t have a budget for it.

I promise to raise your taxes only if I decide to head overseas to run the Berlin or London marathon. I’ll need some cash.

I vow to allow 2 hours during every work day to complete a run. Employers who refuse will be required to perform 8x800 speed work sessions until they get back with the program.

I promise to abolish Fig Newtons at a race finish line. Ever try to swallow those things with a dry mouth? It’s criminal.

A do nothing president like George Washington will be replaced on the dollar bill by Steve Prefontaine. A “buck” will become a “Pre”. It’ll now cost 8 Pre’s to go to the movies.

I vow to be the fastest U.S. president on record. I know Woodrow Wilson had great “hops” but he had no kick.

If these are some of things you are looking for, you know what to do. Send my Asics to the White House. I put Running First. I am the Fartleks We Need. Let’s get this country running again!

Need further convincing? I’ve had both a phrenological study and a craniometrical study done on my skull. My phrenology compares favorably with Teddy Roosevelt. And my craniometry is a precise match to our favorite non-successive president Grover Cleveland! Combine that with my Madisons’ and you got yourself an impressive Frankenpresident.

Now, go do your civic duty. Vote Nitmos!
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We had a wonderful 60 degree Halloween night here in the middle of lower Michigan (the so called “mitten”.) My filly dressed as Violet, the Incredible. My colt started out with a rubber evil old man mask. He borrowed one of my over sized shirts to complete his costume. Later in the evening, I passed his group as we were walking our filly around. His mask was off so he was basically just walking around in my shirt. I said, “hey, where’s your costume? Nobody is going to know what you are.” He replies,”I’m going as a hobo.”

I chuckle. Walk on…then realize he just insulted me. He’s wearing only my shirt and says he’s going as a….
hobo?

Jerk.

I need new clothes.

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Great job by the Running Laminator on an amazing 3:02 NYC Marathon! I'll need to nominate him as my Secretary of Kick Assedness once in office.

24 comments:

Jess said...

Damnit, if only I had known who to vote for before I went to the polls this morning!

KimsRunning said...

Can I borrow 5000 Pres? I wanna run London too.

Ummm, my "word verification" says "phookn" lol...

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

This post oozed patriotism so palpably that I would've sworn I heard "The Battle Hymn Of The Titanic" while it was playing.

By the way, I thought the best way to evaluate a Presidential candidate was by the size of his Johnsons, not his Madisons. Interesting you took no stance on, and made no mention of, this most important issue ...

Al's CL Reviews said...

I feel better now that I know you'll be in office!

Viper said...

How can we vote for a president who cramps up every time he's under pressure?

Xenia said...

You should have told me this two weeks ago before I sent in my absentee ballot. Your loss, pal.

Melissa said...

I'll seriously consider this. I'm planning to go vote in an hour or so. AND I applaud your ambition and I think I'll run myself next time. After all, I'm practically Sarah Palin's twin, and her looks have taken her way far. Imagine how far I could go since I have a lot more brains.

http://melissa-mindsweeper.blogspot.com/2008/11/vote.html

Catholic Runner said...

Now you tell me, where was this post when I voted early last Wednesday?!

Blyfinn said...

I have to admit I had a good laugh at Viper's comment. I do like your proposal with putting "Pre" on the dollar bill and the slogan "Fartleks we Need".... priceless. However I can not vote for you due to my love of Fig Newtons.

Cindy said...

i have a huge "drop the'e', vote Nitmos" sign in my yard. surely you've heard about it?

Marlene said...

If I were American, I'd vote Nitmos!

Vava said...

I can't vote, being Canadian and all, but I am wondering who your running mate is? Left calf or right calf?

AddictedToEndorphins said...

HAHAHAHAH THAT MADE MY DAY!:):):)
Since I'm Canadian, I'm unable to vote for you. BUT if there were a presidential race for the blog world you would win:):):)

Thanks for making me smile!

Vanilla said...

You're underqualified! Your only foreign policy experience is a few miles in Canada during the Detroit marathon!

*aron* said...

dang it i already voted... i do like the sound of your campaign!

tfh said...

I always thought I was deep. Intelligent. Voted for the right reasons. But man, I would vote for ANYBODY who promised me 2 hours during the day for my runs. Even a hobo.

Ms. V. said...

So, if you're elected, will you vote for coverage for my heal pain, and will you also provide a reimbursement for all injured runners who DONT get reimbursed by marathon committees?

There's more, but I can wait.

sRod said...

Sorry, no write-ins allowed in NY. But whoever takes office has some 5,000 positions to make. I'm sure you, with your fancy words, can sweet talk your way into one of them.

The Laminator said...

Thanks for the shout-out Nitmos!

I'm not much into politics, but truth be told, I do make a good "running" mate if I do say so myself. That way if ANYBODY tries to criticize your campaign by referring to certain cramping issues you have in the late stages of a marathon, I can come out and defend you!

Two Left Feet said...

Can I vote again? I think I voted for the wrong guy this morning...

And my word verification is micstype. Hah.

seejessrun said...

If you promise to fix my Achilles, my vote is all yours.

Marci said...

If I could vote, I would check off the Nitmos box!

Marathon Maritza said...

You would have had my vote if you'd vowed to change the national anthem from "Star Spangled Banner" to "Sexy Back."

You were oh-so-close.

Jeff said...

I'd love to see you and Barack in a race. Do you think he'd have a chance?