Monday, October 13, 2008

Randumbery IV

I used to run this semi regular feature called "Randumbness" about, as you would guess, various random and dumb things going on. It was a nice page filler. You thought you were getting actual carefully constructed content. Instead, you were getting fluff, filler, time wasters. I'm not saying this to foreshadow this post. I'm just saying the post title is Randumbery and if you can put 2 and 2 together....well, we'll both be pleasantly surprised at your cognitive skills.

Behold as I loosely tie four unrelated events together to form a tapestry of Random Juxtaposition that’ll both amaze and confuse you. Thankfully, you, my readers, are famous for your short attention spans and inability to comprehend a direct insult so you’ll merrily jump from topic to topic and feel reinvigorated, amused, and satisfied by the end. You won’t know what any of it means as I’ve used a few big words but you’ll have a smile on your face anyways!

Chicago Zombie Stagger Marathon 2008: The Redux

So, did you Chicago marathoners enjoy another unseasonably warm day? It wasn’t as bad as Heat Wave 2007 as I understand it but still pretty warm. I might suggest they move the race up to 7 AM in the future (and back a few weeks!?). Two warm days in a row no longer constitutes a “fluke”. That is now a “pattern”.

I did 8.5 miles on Sunday morning and it was pretty warm here (roughly 200 miles north east of Chicago). Even at that distance, I had some sympathy dehydration. I even thought about jabbing a fork in the back of my legs to simulate a locked hamstring but then I realized, nah, I got my own torment scheduled for this weekend.

At least you had water this time right!? Right??

What? You thirsty?

And speaking of warm weather…

My filly was in soccer action Sunday afternoon during the peak heat. A few of her teammates were not able to make the game so NO SUBSTITUTES. You want to hear children complain? Force them to run after a soccer ball for an hour under a blazing heat without a break and – in one case – without a water bottle. The township, for some reason, insists on “safety” as the primary concern. That’s funny because, as the coach, I insist on “scoring goals and mercilessly taunting opponents” as my primary objective. As long as I’m able to field enough players to still obtain this objective, the others can be rolled off the field into a Useless Player pile on the sideline as far as I’m concerned.

One gal came to me in the third period with cracked, dried lips whispering in a barely audible voice, “Water…water…”

I looked at her incredulously, ”What? Do I look like a fire hydrant? How ‘bout maybe you score a goal and then we’ll see what we can do about some water?”

One of my favorite parts of coaching is the community/parental authorized freedom to yell at children. It’s really liberating. And I’ve noticed how my volume and Subtle Insults Per Minute ratio increases as the game goes along and the children become worn down and miserable. I’m convinced though that my belittling of their soccer abilities and physical appearance coupled with the harmful tugging of their puppy dogs’ ears truly helps them become better players. At the very least, it makes me feel great and lessens the need to drink as much every evening.

For the record, my filly? Four more goals. She’s a karate chop soccer ninja!

The team staggered to the end of the game without one dehydrated collapse. Call me Mr. Safety.

Hi Mr. Safety!

My colt is doing community service this year for his school as a Traffic Control Safety. Basically, he is to shepherd the little over sized back pack wearing tots across the road to elementary school in the morning. Now this is different than the “forced” community service his Dad does. But we both wear orange vests and do the service in, or near in his case, a ditch.

Some mornings, as I stab at the litter in the ditch, I say “hello” to my son.

He ignores me. The police officer reminds me not to speak to the children.

We bond, I think.

So far, he has done his job admirably. None of the children have been run down, let alone winged, on his watch.

He has a solid record: No Kills. I’m proud of him and try to hug him and tell him so all the time. Until the officer tasers me, of course.

Electroshock Rules.

After the Detroit Marathon this weekend, I’m seriously thinking about going in for some muscular, skeletal realignment. The collection of marathons has me in a knotted mess these days. I’m pretty sure my left pelvic bone shouldn’t be jutting out to the side like that to the degree where I can carry my key ring around it. And my right knee cap has inverted and bends backward now. How'd it get back there?

Maybe I can combine it with the lobotomy Mrs. Nitmos scheduled for me. She tells me this is a fancy word for full body massage. I can’t wait for my lobotomy, then! She’s so sweet.

Happy trails.
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Mizfit is doing community service time of her own and talking PINK and breast cancer awareness. Head on over and click some cool links and share a story!

32 comments:

Vanilla said...

Perhaps instead of the muscular skeletal realignment you could look into some plastic surgery? Or, at the very least change your profile picture so we don't have to see it.

Lisa Slow-n-Steady said...

No Kills. Now there's a safety record to be proud of. :-)

Chad in the AZ Desert said...

I don't even know where to begin...

...so I won't. ;-)

Xenia said...

Congrats to the filly! What a little ninja Mia Hamm she is.

Also a congrats to the colt. No kills indeed. And he has to put up with you too so that's definite bonus points.

Amanda said...

How nice of her to schedule somethign so special for you.. i have a feeling you'll be forever changed.

Marcy said...

You know . . .your actually a smarter man than Viper gives you credit for :P Maybe this coaching thing is the way to go. Where else could a person yell, scream, and torture at not only your own (which is always fun) child but other peeps as well.

Jess said...

Congrats on the filly's four goals! She sounds like a soccer beast!

Congrats to the colt too! No Kills is definitely good news!

Russ said...

One question, If you are a steer - how come you have a filly and a colt?.....I'm just askin'...

Some strangeness went on in your barnyard?

Viper said...

Eh, too many long words. I didn't finish reading, but I'm sure it was another post by Nitmos. Not a good post, mind you, but a post nonetheless.

P.S., I think your security system knows who I am. The first three letters are A-L-E. Why yes, thank you, I would like an ale.

Kristina said...

Where'd you get them perfect kids? Soccer star, community service ace. I bet they get good grades and eat vegetables, too. I'll be happy if Henry makes it another year without being expelled from Montessori school.

Jeff said...

Can't wait to read your post lobotomy musings. Uninteligible to a new level, no doubt. Can hardly wait!

aham23 said...

sympathy dehydration!! very funny. later.

The Young Family said...

I just saw you did the Goofy challenge... I have a friend signed up for the race this year.... that is really crazy... Now that I commented I will go back and read your race report... that is how I roll, doing this backwards!

em

Ms. V. said...

What is this amazing horse preoccupation that you have? I must be late to that party.

Is this the filly who was ill a few weeks back? Really? Great recovery!!

I'm a Cub Scout leader, so maybe your colt should join on up. (Like 2 prepositions...AT THE END?)

Hey good luck this weekend, seriously...

Rock on, evil coach.

theloosemoose said...

Good luck this weekend! I hope you assigned some work to those indolent soccer players while you're gone. You wouldn't want them to have any down time, or to seek hydration in your absence.

*aron* said...

i hope it cools down for the weekend!! the countdown is really on :)

congrats to the kiddos!

MizFit said...

thanks for the linklove.

if only I had a pair of PINK SHOES (NIKE? YOU READING?) to give away...

youd look great in some pink shoes.

Phil said...

The Chicago Marathon was fantastic! It was hot by the end, but this year didn't have the killer humidity. Changing the time or date won't help, because Chicago has crazy weather. It had been a cold October up until this week. It has snowed in previous years during the marathon- then everyone would be asking for an earlier date and a later starting time...

Great blog, keep up the good work!

tfh said...

Glad to hear the filly is back to her ruthless, goal-scoring self, and the colt's record is (thus far) spotless. You'll have to let us know how electroshock compares to being tasered, kind of like how Marcy compared giving birth to running a marathon.

Big said...

lets hope your Colt keeps up his perfect record, nothing is more disheartening than when they remove the orange safety harness and plastic silver badge for 'incompetence' and 'negligence of duty.' I was ten, I didn't even know what those words meant.

Marlene said...

Glad to read that the filly is healthy!

Thanks for the Bday wishes. :)

Frayed Laces said...

Wait, you mean you have to have a reason (like coaching) to yell at children?

Ah, so that's why I'm getting funny looks at the grocery store!

Blyfinn said...

To answer your question about the relation of relay races and beer. YES! They seem to come together very nice.

Roisin said...

I definitely saw some zombies on Sunday. It's hard to believe that it wasn't as bad as last year, but it's true! I think I'm going to try the Marine Corps marathon next year, since it's later in the month.

P.S. My calves have decided to attack as well. Nothing worse than rabid calves.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

One gal came to me in the third period with cracked, dried lips whispering in a barely audible voice, 'Water…water…'

Hey, kid! Know who else likes water, I heard?

Terrorists.

I guess kids these daze just want the terrorists to win.

In my day, we'd accept nothing less than a tie with the terrorists. Hence the sports cliche: Ties are like kissing a terrorist.

Okay, okay, there was that one time they beat us in overtime, but it went all the way to the penalty kick phase, and the terrorists, I'm convinced, brought in a ringer. If the kid who kicked that goal ever blew anything up, then I'm Carlos the Jackal.

[Note to any NSA spy reading this: I am NOT Carlos the Jackal.]

Thanks for keeping America safe, Nitmos, one dehydrated kid at a time.

P.S. Are you actually going to make us wait until after the marathon for the race report? Are you that petty?

Marathon Me said...

A friend of mine had this to say about your upcoming race:

The expo is at Cobo Hall, same as last year. From Cobo Hall, ask someone how to access the People Mover. This is a cheap thrill and you can ride around and above the city for 75 cents, I think it is. Take the PM to Greektown. There are blocks of Greek restaurants and shops, a couple of casinos, and some great architecture. A couple of beautiful old churches. It is quite a hot spot at night and should be pretty safe, though you may want to go with someone else. Best to take the PM as parking can be very expensive.

A couple of blocks from Cobo, headed toward the Renaissance Ctr. Is the Mariners Church. You will pass this on your run when you return to Detroit via the Detroit/Windsor Tunnel. The MC is where the bell rang 29 times for the 29 on the Edmund Fitzgerald. Yes, the EF sank in Lake Superior. The church was moved from another location to its current one.

There is another gorgeous old church just the other side of the RenCen. You can walk there. A few years ago, the pasta dinner was held there. People still come from Canada and far parts of Detroit to attend it. Lovely antiques, wood.

http://www.marathonme.com

Meg said...

Nice job on your daughter's goals!
I heard a few people on the course mentioning they should move it to 7am, and I've seen that mentioned a couple times since then. It got hot enough so in the last hour I was out there they had to move the heat warning up a category. At least they had water this time!

Marci said...

Have a great run this weekend! It looks like perfect conditions!

KimsRunning said...

I'm thinking they should televise your race. A ton of us here would LOVE to see you cross the finish line!!

Good luck Nitmos, although you won't need luck with all the training you've done. looking forward to the race report!!!!

Steve Stenzel said...

Good luck with the realignment! I think I need that too.

Two Left Feet said...

computer, $2000. thesaurus, $10. reading your blog, priceless.

Scott said...

Ok, if Boston's out for '09then shoot for 3:00 in whatever your next marathon is... What do you think?