Monday, October 27, 2008

2/7th The Way to Hell

In the last post, I covered Gluttony. I have the sugar ring permanently stuck to the corners of my mouth to prove that I have been indulging in this sin with enthusiastic zeal. I knew I needed help this weekend when I mainlined the creme filling of a jelly donut. What a rush.

Next, on my tour of the 7 Deadly Sins, is Sloth. Believe me, I’ve been slothing like a motherslother. I haven’t run at all since the Detroit Marathon. I’ve thought about it and I think that counts on some level. I had every intention of busting out a nice 3 miler yesterday but once you mainline creme filling you start noticing the walls of your house seem to breathe in and out…in and out…and your dog helps herself to your guitar and plays a sad tune heavy on the G chord with metronomic clapping accompaniment from Mark Twain and his Calaveras County jumping frogs. It’s not unusual for me to believe I’m hanging out with deceased literary figures; Sylvia Plath is always following me around (and, word to the wise, she’s a real downer). However, those frogs!? What a mess. Fortunately, they flew away on their little froggy wings before I returned from my Creme Coma.

I’ll have to shake out the rust tonight. It’s Kids vs. Parents night to wrap up my colt’s soccer season. The 11 year olds will be racing around, eyes all aglow with the hopes of impressing their parents, while I’ll be looking to tally a few broken shin bones. You have your goal; I have my “goal”. If the final score is Kids 3, Nitmos Broke Your Tibia 2, guess what? I won. While the tibia will heal over time, I’m pretty sure their self confidence will be destroyed for years to come. Lesson? Don’t bring a soccer ball to a broken leg fight.

Meanwhile, my filly completed her final game yesterday with a rousing 6-5 victory. She tallied four more goals and a few more plates of humiliation served up cold to sprawled defenders. Of course, “scoring goals” is not the primary focus of the league. It’s about fun and skill development and blah blah blah. By my count (who’s counting?), she netted 19 goals in 6 games for a 3.1 goals/game average. So, of course, my response to her was “why didn’t you score 4 goals per game, hon? Get a little lazy this year? Sleep in the car and think about what you could have done better.” I’m a great coach.

All in all, both kids were pretty unslothful, er, deslothful…hmmm, possessing few sloth like characteristics in their respective soccer seasons. Mrs. Nitmos and I were pretty proud of them. Sure, they each could have preened a bit more after their goals for our tastes but there’s time to learn. As coach of my filly’s team, my completely unbiased appraisal is that I did a FANTASTIC job with them. Most of the boys on the team stopped picking their nose during game play by the 3rd game. Only once did a player leave the field of play to pet a friend’s dog while the game was in action. Sure, I could never get one tow-headed child to stop singing Queen’s “We Will Rock You” during every kick off (or humming the Indiana Jones theme when racing after a ball) but some things you have to tolerate. The little Juice Boxers played hard and that’s about all you can ask of them. Well, that and maybe a few more goals for next season.

So tonight I will be exorcising the demons of a second deadly sin. Between 5:30 – 7 Eastern Time, listen closely. The wind may bring the sounds of snapping bones and anguished cries to your home town. If you hear a symphony of pain floating in with the breeze, you’ll know Team Parents have won. And won hard.

Now that I think of it, tonight I may be able to make a smooth transition from deadly sin Sloth to WRATH upon the tender tibias of my community youth.

Fate keeps serving me up slow pitches down the middle. I’ll keep hitting them out.

And, beware Mrs. Nitmos, Lust is on the To Do list.

Happy trails.

28 comments:

Viper said...

If these sins are so deadly, why aren't you dead yet? I think it's all hog wash!

Xenia said...

Soccer season's over already?

Congrats to your offspring on having very successful seasons.

Mrs Nitmos, as ever, you have my condolences.

Kristina said...

I hope you're not playing against the filly. She's gonna kick your ass.

Marlene said...

Enjoy your slothhood! You've earned it.

Marcy said...

I'm with Kristina. You are SOOOO going down!

Sarah said...

HA! I have run twice since the marathon. You suck.

Watch out for those wild roving packs of soccer kids. They can be vicious. I once saw a pride of them hunt down a ref who let his attention wander for a second. He didn't make it. It was like something out of a nature program.

Danielle in Iowa said...

When you get around to envy, my 5:15 marathon is totally yours to wish for.

Vanilla said...

Mainlining the creme filling from a jelly donut is impressive, especially since jelly donut's usually have a jelly filling, no?

Vava said...

Nice work coach!

Nitmos said...

Vanilla, your "facts" aren't welcome here.

Jess said...

Enjoy the last bit of slothhood.

tfh said...

Good luck tonight and watch your own tibias (tibiae?). Those little bas-- angels can be devious. Especially if word around the field is that you're stuffed full of jelly (cream-filled?) donuts and still a little marathon-battered...

Cindy said...

poor mrs. nitmos!

Big said...

there should be some sort of scoring system for your 'bounty.' one point for a tibia; two points for a rib; thee points for a concussion, four points for making a child cry without touching him/her.

seejessrun said...

I envy your sloth and gluttony. Thanks for helping me find a deadly sin of my own.

joyRuN said...

Congrats on the soccer dominance of your offspring!

Well, if you're not running, tell Mrs. Nitmos to, with that to-do list in mind...

Chad in the Arizona Desert said...

I don't like limiting myself to only 7 deadly sins. With a proper amount of motivation and a little creativity, you can come up with many more than 7...but seven is a good start. Here is to happy fractures all around.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

You'd've been better off if it'd been jelly. Cream filling is a well-known gateway confection. That's quite a monkey you have on your back. I give you 2 weeks, tops, before you're snorting the "Big T" : Truffles.

And how you gonna maintain that lifestyle on a runner's salary?

In four weeks you'll be auctioning off your soccer kids' broken tibia (and their tiny organs) on eBay.

Then, your precious, but unacknowledged, illegitimate lawn jockey. (That's right. I know.)

Ms. V. said...

Welcome to the dark side!

Reluctant Runner said...

You are truly one of a kind, Nitmos. Sin on.

KimsRunning said...

I read your whole post, honest. But now all can do is think about the lust post that's coming. I hope it's next. Rock on Mrs Nitmos!!!!

chia said...

I often leave your blog thinking I should send Mrs. Nitmos a card but I don't think Hallmark covers your kind ;-)

*aron* said...

less than 6 weeks for me and i can join in on the sloth :)

Two Left Feet said...

Sounds like your filly is going to be quite the little jock. That is, of course, only if she responds well to wrath.

Amanda said...

what an accomplished little family.. they must take after their mother...wait that was you that just did a marathon.. hmm

jen said...

Belated congrats on the marathon and enjoy the continued sinning. :)

AKA Alice said...

OMFG...you wrote about mainlining creme filling AND a wikipedia link to Sylvia Plath in one blog post!

You are soooo my hero!

Roisin said...

I very much enjoyed the "don't bring a soccer ball to a broken leg fight" comment. Genius.