Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Nitmos and the Amazing Monochrome Compression Shorts

I love a good Broadway musical: the music, the dancing, the costumes, the colors and pageantry. Lovely. I also love my ball sack. This is more about the latter.

There’s a lot to love about my compression shorts too. There’s a lot for you to love about me in my compression shorts, in fact. I look chiseled. I look bulgy in a good way. It appears this baby even got a little back! And that’s saying something as normally my ass is concave. In jeans, it looks like a Rottweiler had grabbed ahold and taken off a good chunk of the better parts leaving just a sunken in pair of ass-less jeans and the outlines of a pelvis bone in its place. If Sir Mix-A-Lot tried to walk on my bubble, he’d fall into a cave.

I run in compression shorts all of the time now. That wasn’t always the case. In my early days as a runner, I wore boxer shorts and even tighty whiteys. Then there was the misguided jock strap year that no one wants to relive.* All of these appendage restraint experiments came to an end one sunny spring day when I simultaneously chipped a tooth and dented my ankle with one innocent leap over a pothole. Enough. This Django needed to be chained.

The first time I tried on a pair of compression shorts, I fell in love. With myself. All over again. I took one look in the mirror and I believe I even said out loud, “That’s what I’m talkin’ about.” I’m not sure but there even may have been an, “Oh, snap!” mixed in as well. Bulgy? Check. Ass? Yes! Django? Defined. Compressed? Completely. Forget about the slight muffin top, I was in love. With myself. All over again. When security finally removed me from the dressing room, I paid and wore them home.

I wear my compression shorts everywhere now. There’s really not a good place to not wear them. Sure, both the parents and teachers at a Parent-Teacher conference may look at you cock-eyed** when you walk in compressed and ready for business. But everyone appreciates everything being held into place. Am I the only one that wants to see corsets come back into fashion? Psh, pleeze.

Hang out at a mall food court in your compression shorts long enough and you’ll see what kind of looks you get! So many admirers…from afar. You can clutch your children and hurry off to, what I assume is, the nearest athletic store and thank me later.

And lets not even talk about the magical properties of compression shorts when on the run. No swaying. No tooth chipping. Mudbutt. Problem. Solved. If you have a little accident mid race, don’t worry about. It ain’t going anywhere. You can take care of it later, homey, finish that race! That’s why my compression shorts are black and gray in the appropriate spots. Race gravy is treated at the finish line.

Every now and then, a non-compressed fellow runner suggests that I really should wear shorts over the compression shorts.  I remind him/her that (a) they are called compression "shorts" not compression "underwear" and (b) you don't wear a t-shirt over a life vest.  Psh, pleeze.

Mrs. Nitmos heads off to spinning or yoga in her compression tights and I’m a big fan. Why doesn’t she wear them to work? *shrugs* Beats me.

I can not lie. I think everyone should wear compression shorts as regular wear. They sure do tighter things up a bit around the soft edges whether you’re rolling around in a Honda or playin’ workout tapes by Fonda.

If I see you wearing your compression shorts at the grocery store, we can exchange a knowing smile and head nod. Be compressed, be proud.  Don't worry if you are a bit hirsute and, from the rear, it looks like you shit a wig.  We are on the right side of history, my friends. Unless you ride more to the left….either way, everyone will know.

Happy compressing.

*The Year of Groin Burn
**Pun intended

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

At least you don't have to deal with camel toe also! I don't care. I love my compression shorts / tights and won't run without them!

Danielle in Iowa in Ireland said...

My ass is not as finely chiseled as yours by any stretch (ha!), but I don't think I can ever go back from the sweet sweet compression! I don't care if I motivate runners behind me to pass me!

Ian said...

Yes, but you have no pockets! You should try running in cargo shorts. They're the wave of the future my friend.

I've got places to put my keys, my wallet, my gels, my phone, my wife's phone, my wife's gels etc.

Beth (@RunTraveler) said...

What? No photos???

Jamoosh said...

If only they had compression shorts in a thong version...

Viper said...

All kidding aside, you should probably burn those compression shorts after every use.

Deb said...

I, too, wouldn't mind a picture or two. Django tease...

Vava said...

Cannot disagree more on the cover it up thing. Compression isn't even good for music! It's worse for men...