Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Dusting Iron

In order to make one’s pecs dance spastically to the awe and delight of others, it’s necessary to have pecs. In order to have pecs, it’s necessary to have a gym membership, home work out equipment, a good plastic surgeon or a 1985 Camaro, muscle shirt, mustache, and gold chain. Lacking a Camaro and unable to grow a passable mustache and definitely not rich enough to afford implants, my options are dwindling.

We had a gym membership for a few years but I cancelled that as soon as my locker room fascination with the Laws of Gravity sagged and wrinkled. Fortunately, I own some home workout equipment of my own. See? My weight bench is right over there…underneath the suitcases and laundry. It’s held up the suitcases for two years now without fail. It’s doing a good job.

Now, I’m not a muscle headed no necker. That’s not real conducive to strong running. You probably want to aim your body type more for a gazelle than a rhino, as runner. The first Kenyan I see that can beat a twelve year old girl in an arm wrestling competition will be…the first Kenyan I see that can do that, I guess. Sorry, I couldn’t quite land that comparison.

But I’m not running to win marathons or shorter races. I’m an amateur, recreational runner. See how I don’t have a running coach but DO have a full time job? That identifies me as an amateur. I also play soccer every Friday night (those of you on Twitter already know this…repeatedly! Look for the next tweet around 5:30pm this coming Friday!) Let me let you in on a little secret, get real close: I also don’t have a soccer coach for that. Why? BECAUSE I’M AN AMATEUR, RECREATIONAL PLAYER!

As an amateur, I’m thinking I might want a bit more muscle to go with my running. It won’t help me finish 236th in an 800 person race. Maybe I finish 254th instead. But those newly pumped pecs will bounce every step of the way. My race photos might look better. Less gauntish. I’ll need more body glide for my protruding nipples. I’ll definitely need to go on a shopping spree to Tank Tops R Us. Do they make Rogaine for upper lips? This is all a small price to pay. Heck, I might even have to check the XL box instead of the L box on race registrations. We are talking a millimeters difference there.

I used to pump iron all of the time. For ten years, I’d dutifully pull my weight bench out 1-2 times weekly and run through 10-12 little exercises, ogle myself in the mirror for a few hours, then complain to Mrs. Nitmos about how my mustache would never properly fill in and whether or not I should consider a tight perm. Toothpicks? Chewed constantly!

Then two things happened nearly simultaneously: we remodeled our basement and I discovered stretchy bands. The remodel moved the weight bench into the laundry room where I promised to still pull it out every week for a good workout. Like a Grandma checked into a senior home “just for a visit”, it has never left.

And those of you who have read F.M.S. for a while know that I’m an acolyte at the Altar of Stretchy Bands. Those things are awesome: portable, effective little bands of stretchy fitness. I love pulling, elongating, snapping and stretching on that rubber.* I love it so much; I’d probably make a great balloon animal creating clown (or a male Dominatrix). Resistance bands are great for keeping your muscles toned, loose and stringy. Also, you can knock off some DVR'd Billy On the Street episodes while stretching them right in the middle of your living room.

But they don’t build bulk. Nitmos needs some mass. Bikini season is right around the corner here in Michigan. I believe it’s a Thursday this year. Most of you have Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter as your seasons. Not us. Here’s how our seasons break down:

Michigan Calendar of Seasons
October-mid November = Pre-Winter
Mid-November-Mid December = Winter
Mid-December – Early March = Deep Winter
Rest of March = Winter
April = Post-Winter
May – Early July = Spring
July 11th = SUMMER (Bikini Season)!!!
July 12th- September = Pre-Fall
September to Early October = Fall
Repeat

If I want to be ready for bikini season/day, I better get that weight bench out and dust it off. The suitcases will have to sit on the floor for a while. Summer’s going to be a great day this year! With all of the extra weight I’m about to pack on, I probably won’t run as fast but I’ll look better not doing it. Dusting iron comes before pumping iron. Pumping iron comes before mustache. Mustache comes before tank tops and gold chains. Tank tops and spandex tights come before race photos.  It’s the Circle of Douchebag Life! Pink pajamas penguins at the bottom, pink pajamas penguins at the bottom....

If you have a used Camaro for sale, I might be in the market soon. I pay extra for flame decals on the side.

Happy pumping.

*Keep your filthy thoughts to yourself.
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There's a new race on the sidebar calendar for 2013.  Okay, it's a relay race.  The Dances with Dirt 100k relay is on again.  Teammates assemble!  I still need to find me some solo races....I'm currently circling a few...decisions, decisions...

6 comments:

Running Through Phoenix said...

My coach has really helped me get past your anti-spam anti-robot filter.

Viper said...

If you need a coach, call me. We can get some man-boobs on you in no time!

David said...

Magnum P.I. is streaming on Netflix now. From what I can tell based on recent viewings, you need camo short-shorts, a paddle surfboard thing, and a nearby tropical beach.

Careful though, first time you refer to Mrs. Nitmos as "Higgins", well, we'll all get to read an interesting blog post.

Jill said...

The day you got a coach is the year Michigan gets two days of summer.

Danielle in Iowa in Ireland said...

You pump iron, gain weight, get slower, and TOTALLY LET DOWN YOUR DANCES WITH DIRT TEAMMATES. Gosh, your vanity knows no bounds, does it?!

Yo Momma Runs said...

I'm no man-boob expert, but I think you can get them just by doing 100 push-ups a day. And taking steroids. No charge for that advice unless it works.