Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Dtoilet Paper Unrolled

Considering I don’t promote this blog any longer or run around trying to stoke my comment bonfire, receiving 24 comments on my last post is quite an unexpected windfall. What created this outpouring? I’ve had recent posts about Lance Armstrong, deer antler spray, the New York City Marathon, my own off season battle with the candy bowl…some real deep, introspective shit laid out for you all on my blog buffet. Nope, you didn’t give a sniff about any of that. You metaphorically sneezed on my blog buffet sneeze guard and walked away.

No, your comments came ROLLING in due to a postscript I hastily tagged at the end of my last post. About toilet paper and how it should unroll. Wiperz, pleeze!?! That’s what gets your interest? Believe me, I underestimate all of you but this even seems below that deeply underestimated level.

Well, I give the people what they want. You want a toilet paper discussion. I’m a giver that way.

Left or Right?
I pulled your results into a spreadsheet and analyzed the comments based on spelling, grammar, and clarity. I then pie charted, bar graphed (both vertically and horizontally), and power pointed the results. I was going to do a picture graph but that just seemed unsavory somehow.

The results?

24 total respondents
15 correctly chose Left (over the top)
5 incorrectly chose Right (from below)
4 seemed confused by the simple choice between two things and fell into an Other category

That means 75% that chose, chose Left. And they are correct. I mean, who wants to grab toilet paper from below all up against the wall like that? If I’m in a public stall, you think I want my fingers scraping up against the wall, with “stuff” potentially collecting under my exposed fingernails from a thousand poopers before me? Maybe if I was a filthy animal like, say, a llama. Hell, maybe they could get the toilet paper to spit at you too. Would that make your Below Rollers happy? Have some class. Don’t invite me over unless you correct this social faux pas or I’ll use one of your hand towels instead and fold it over and rehang it on the rack, out of spite.

My favorite “Other” response was from Danielle in Iowa in Ireland:
I know it is supposed to be the left, but I just put it on however and deal with the consequences.
I like to know that there are still rebels out there, man. You are the Abbie Hoffman of toilet paper. Be free but….beware of your hand towels, just sayin’.

Mrs. Nitmos and I have settled into an uneasy peace about this issue, truth be told. There might be a small chance that I’ve waaaay over thought this particular piece of household engineering.

But the results rather decisively speak for themselves. Using some transitive logic to other areas of the homestead, if I am correct about the positioning of the toilet paper, then I am also correct about a few others: Dirty clothes do, in fact, only need to fall within two feet of the hamper; Dirty plates do not require rinsing before going into the dishwasher; Why lift the seat to urinate?; Milk will not “go stale” when left on the counter for hours at a time; Farmer’s blows indoors are actually a good idea; Farting in bed is both expected and welcomed.

We’ve settled quite a few matters with that post which makes it very successful. Thanks to you all for clearing things up, transitively speaking.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming about running, life, feelings, and important social issues. You know, those things you don’t care about.

First, I need to grab a clump of toilet paper (from over the top), as if I was displaying an egg to the world on a tiny fingers pedestal, and swab out my cranium from this whole discussion.

Happy wiping.


Trish said...

I always flip the roll for people who have put it on incorrectly. I always feel like I'm giving back to society when I correct these sorts of wrongs.

Vava said...

In my experience I would put this on our (nonexistent but everpresent) list of divorceable proceedings. Funny that the toilet paper issue hasn't come up. Likley because rarely does the roll make it onto the roller.

Problem solved. Marriage intact. Inertia is a wonderful force...

Danielle in Iowa in Ireland said...

I need something in life to be a rebel about!

And farting in bed is just methane cuddles:


Debra Laforest said...

The toilet seat BETTER be down! Nothing worse than falling in in the middle of the night!

BTW - I loved your antler post, just didn't know what to say at the time. I'll be sure to comment from now on to show the love. <3

Oh, and getting whacked in the face with your exercise band - hilarious. Glad that's never happened to me - although it wouldn't, because I use REAL weights.

And forget about running on a treadmill - real running happens outside.

There, did I cover all your past posts? Hope so. Just be assured that I read them all and enjoy every single one. I've only been a "follower" for the past month or so. Now my feet are wet and I'm ready to comment - sorry you asked?

Richard Hambrick said...

I just want to know why I have to change the roll so often. It's like my family eats the stuff...