SNOWPRAH WINFREY!

Unless you live in a cave or are busy protesting in the Middle East over less important things, you know there is a giant snow storm pummeling the Midwest and eastward. You should know this because the media will not let you forget it. The dire predictions began on Sunday. The hyperbole-laced headlines began Sunday also.

DEATH STORM 2011: The BLIZZARDING!

It’s true that there is a lot of snow out there. It fell last night while I was snuggled with my snookums in our sin bin. When I awoke, I could hear the wailing cries and revolving tires on the stationary cars of the snow stuck and the shovel weary. Their cars were trapped in the 12-18 inches of snow while futilely attempting their morning commute. Their tears and anguish put a bounce in my step. Sipping my warm coffee and taking in the sadness of my snowbound neighbors through my window, I was compelled to shut the front drapes. Who needs to see that? My commute involves 13 snow-less steps and, usually, no shoveling. I yawned, scratched my ass, and consumed some Activia yogurt so I could ‘get my bowels on’ later this morning.

BLIZZASTER!

Mrs. Nitmos is one of the unlucky commuters stuck at home. She’ll work as much as one can in her position from home. Without her employer present, there’s nothing preventing the steady stream of Wife Swap reruns on Lifetime Network. However, with me present, there’s nothing preventing the demands for soup and shoulder rubs while I revert to a child-like state of perpetual whine and neediness. I may have to shovel intermittently for a half hour at a time but that’ll be followed with a good 45 minutes of complaints about my “wrenched” shoulder and charley-horsed flux capacitor. Day off from work? Oh, think not.

SNOW.MY.GOD! (SnOMG!)

I do feel bad for the neighbor lady. Her Oldsmobile is hopelessly encased in blizzard barf. She’s in her late 70’s and lives alone. The snow plow will be making its way through the neighborhood later today plowing up an impenetrable wall of hardened snow at the end of her driveway. Methinks it won’t be a Metamucil day. She’s pretty feisty. I’m sure I’ll see her out there with her tiny shovel and loosely connected vertebrae later this morning. From the warmth of my home office and mounds of Activia, I’ll smile, wave, and pull the side drapes closed. That’s why we were given two hips right?

SNOWAGEDDON!

So far, my internet connection works. There’s no reason I can’t work today…other than it just “feels” like a snow day. Whenever someone needs me on email or instant messaging, I’m sure I’ll be “shoveling”. And by shoveling, of course I mean, completing the job Activia began or watching those Wife Swap reruns over a bowl of soup. Just because I don’t have an external commute doesn’t me I should be punished with work right?

HORROR SNOW!

Running is out for the time being. I got 5 ½ miles in yesterday. That should hold me until Friday when enough paths open back up for the YakTrax to find some footing. Until then, I’m going to stay inside and watch the horror unfold from the comfort of my couch. There’s my neighbor, with ice clinging to his out-of-fashion porn goatee, frantically pressing on the accelerator sending a shower of snow pelting against his siding. Look at old lady Oldsmobile out to give it the Ole College Try with her tiny shovel! Well, she was there. Now I just see the top of a tiny shovel sticking out of a snow bank next to that weird indentation in the snow…

Hey, what happened to the cable?

OH GOD SAVE US, SAVE ME! I NEED HELP SHOVELING MY DRIVEWAY ARGGHGHHHHH!!!!

SNOW FOOLIN’!

Happy sledding.