Friday, February 25, 2011

Bad Break-up

In happier times, we went together like marathons and nipple chafing: She with her four voluptuous curvy mounds; me with my taunt, sweaty, exhausted muscles working hard to earn her respect. I felt both vigorously alive and hopelessly overwhelmed navigating the succession of her mounds, each more physically demanding than the last.

Oh, I wanted her. I spent years wanting her. She wanted me too. I could tell, when the time came, by the way she eagerly accepted my online payment for future services rendered. No hesitation. No ‘Unable to Display Page’. It was a great relationship while it lasted. Now it appears to be over. I didn’t end it. She doesn’t seem to want me anymore.

I know I haven’t changed. I’m the same ordinary, amateurish shclub that appealed to her once long ago. I haven’t gotten any smarter (see: Jersey Shore); I haven’t gotten any faster (see: fudge stripe cookies); I haven’t gotten any sexier (see:…impossible!). But I haven’t gotten any worse at any of those things either. I’m the same Little Engine That Could runner I always was.

I guess what I’m saying is: It’s not me, it’s her right?

Here we were in happier times:

Remember when I carved her initials in the tree?

That’s all gone now. She’s moved on to a faster crowd. She tells me it’s a crowd I’d have a tough time keeping up with though I’m welcome to try. I understand. You don’t have to condescend to my Garmin. There are eight seats available at the cool kids’ cafeteria table and I’m student number nine, holding my tray full of sad little dried out peas and beefless lasagna(ish) scanning the room for another seat while you try to look away so that I won’t embarrass you in front of your new friends.

You tell me that you are the same that you always were as well. Just that things change and you have different standards you are looking for. But suddenly you won’t accept my online payment attempt. My best is no longer good enough. I won’t get to feel those mounds against my body. I won’t get to prematurely dehydrate between your slopes.

Well, missy, I’ve moved on as well. You won’t see me busting my butt trying to keep up with your crowd. Besides, your new friends are all lame. Is that guy’s hair frosted? Is that a goatee AND a gold necklace? Where’s his Trans Am parked? I look at you now and I just want to guffaw. Guffaw, guffaw, derisive snort, guffaw. And I want my ABBA CD back (the one hidden in the Linkin Park CD case.)

Look what I did to your tree:

You’ll be back. You’ll see. You’re just a fad right now. You’re Bieber trendy. Fads fade and….well, so does fast but you get my point. One day, I’ll be sitting around looking at photos of all my other conquests….mounds much greater than yours…and you’ll want me back. You’ll suddenly think I’m in the fast crowd.

Maybe I’ll take you back. Maybe I won’t. But, for now, we need to see others. I think it’s best for both of us.

When you feel you can lower your standards again, perhaps I’ll pay for your services.

Happy trails.

Another Unasked For Epinion:

Contrary to the above little fiction, I support the BAA’s tougher entrance requirements. I think they tried to hedge around too much with the “rolling admission” based on how many minutes you beat the standard bullshit, however. Drop that crap and just go with a straight time requirement. From there, quickest finger to the draw on registration day! Look, you can’t please everyone and it is a mistake to even try. Boston is an exclusive race and, based on the current marathon explosion, the demand quickly outgrew supply of available spots. They haven’t adjusted their qualifying standards in like 30 years. It simply makes sense to tighten things up for awhile. It probably should have been done a few years back when it became obvious that the Second Great Running Boom was upon us.

I’d like to know that they put some analytical thought into the qualifying times and the male/female standards, etc. based on actual data. Maybe they have but I just haven’t seen it yet. Why do they think tightening up by exactly 5 minutes will solve the issue? How did the rolling admission process play into their concerns about the entrance standards? It seems a bit arbitrary but, then again, it’s their race so they can be as arbitrary as they want, arbitrarily speaking.

I trust – and expect – that the BAA will revisit the standard every few years. Eventually, the amateur athlete will find a new interest – I’m looking at you competitive jousting – and the demand will shrink and standards eased.

But, if not, better run a bit harder right? That’s one thing you can control.

There is still time to enter for a $70 Gift Code to CSN Stores (you have until Sunday at midnight, Eastern). As of now, as I suspected, there are only 28 comments on that post. Of those, about 6-8 comments are from people who DON’T want to enter (odd, no?) and people who didn’t read the entrance requirements carefully and disqualified themselves (note: if you don’t have a blog, you can still answer the question I proposed or, at the very least, READ THE ASTERISKED FOOTNOTE - which has already been answered by others - for an ‘easy in’.)

I can't in good conscience award a prize to someone who couldn't read two simple instructions. Sorry. Your odds are good. Enter away!


B.o.B. said...

Just be happy about your time together. There are those of us who think jousting does in fact look really good right about now. LOL!

Jill said...

I am going to see others, too. Not because I wouldn't want to go back, but because it's not our time. Hey, maybe you and I can meet up on a trail sometime!

I don't full understand the rolling admission...but then I never understood the 18-month rule either, even though had I decided to run Boston this year (but thankfully didn't) I would have entered with a time from Tucson in '09 so I guess I shouldn't say anything....but as you say, their rules!! :)

Elizabeth said...

"better to have loved and lost..." Oh well, she's stuck up anyway, so you are better off with out her. Find a nice race who loves you for you and not for how big your qualifying time margin is.

Chanda M. DeFoor said...

Just find a nice local one you can settle down with who will appreciate you more.

Drea said...

Come run Santa Barbara! She has mounds and palm trees :).

Jess said...

Haha great post! She seems to like older men anyway, so just be patient for another 20 years or so.

Marlene said...

Your giveaways are too complicated. :P

I whole-heartedly agree with you that they should have gone with tougher times but none of this rolling registration crap. I just hate that for the most part, a BQ is just not good enough anymore. I'd much prefer an even playing field for all qualifiers with luck of the draw/quick fingers for getting in. Of course, I'm biased since I am nowhere near a BQ and definitely won't be BQ'ing by several minutes!

Spike said...

"prematurely dehydrate" Story of my life.

Also, have been playing old school video game Joust as a means of practice because, well, there just aren't any flying ostrich around here.

Unless that is a home grown hybrid of a llama and an giant eagle (circa Lord of the Rings); if so, I need to get to work.

Adam said...

Agreed agreed agreed. I have no issue with the 5 min if they can proove that it was done with some sort of foresight vs an arbitrary "mmmmmmmm, 5 min 'feels' right".

I'm so behind on blogs that I missed your contest. Going there before you go all BAA on me and shorten the time.

Robin said...

The snobby girls were too much maintenance and too little fun. Go with the small town, cheaper version and you'll have better stories!

I had to click the CSN link to make sure it was a *real* place!

Beth said...

The tree with the red X made me laugh out loud. I wish they would address the fact/perception that it's easier for women to get in. If it is easier, they should adjust and make it fair. If they think it isn't then explain. It takes away from the women that do get in- like they didn't deserve it.

Richard said...

Yeah, forget that money hungry, elitist race... I'll qualify at 85 maybe... Come to the dark side of triathlon..

Irene said...

Breaking up is hard to do.

I missed the give away because something called a job got in the way of me being able to do more important things, like read blogs.

Reluctant Runner said...

Funny, I just wrote a similar post, though not as funny or clever. Or fast. Dammit.

Vava said...

She's a fickle one who used to be more picky, then dropping her standards significantly, and now feasting on her newly discovered popularity to hedge her bets a bit more, but not as much as she used to.

I'm still going to go for it, though it might take me longer to get her to notice me. I just hope that as I age her standards keep pace.

The Hussy...

lindsay said...

personally i wish they would just do flat-standards and not the rolling registration as well. i also don't really get the extreme hype going on, it's still just another marathon. but that's just me.

BrianFlash said...

There's a much better race (the Ultimate Human Race in fact) that also has a qualifying standard. Just a little five hour marathon is required. And the race has five, count 'em, five humps, all individually named.

All you need to run this is plane tickets to South Africa!