Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Beep Beep Beep (The Sound Fat Makes)

The Mobility Cart Vacation recap

Many of you guessed correctly. We were in Florida last week. More specifically Disney World. Yes, I consciously signed up to take the family – kids and all – to Disney for a week in late August. What gave it away? The $5 bottle of water? Or the mind numbing stupidity of such a choice that could only be associated with yours truly? What? Is it hot and humid in August in Florida or something??

I don’t like to pick on people. You know that about me. Some people though, unprovoked, call me a "terrorist." Others may say I’m “unfit for civilized society.”* And yet still others maintain I “show occasional glimpses of standard human characteristics that provide a fleeting hope that years of therapy may yet yield a infinitesimal movement to a desired result.”** Whatev. The Nitmos clan did Disney World! Along the way, we managed to mock people in mobility carts!

Now, before you judge, understand that it was very humid out. We were standing in lines that led to very limited entertainment conclusions (you’ve been on It’s A Small World right?). And I like to make hasty snap judgments about people. It’s one of my favorite activities.

Beep beep beep. In come the motorized mobility carts. The rider resembles McDonaldland’s Grimace. The only disability I see is the inability to control their trans fats. As Cross Country Squared said in the last posts comments, we (I say “we” as we were on the trip with another family of four – that’s right 4 kids total!) were basically playing her game of Fat or Crippled? You know what? 90% of the time our judgment was Fat. Grimace here. Mayor McCheese there. These weren’t disabilities. Sorry if that sounds rude – I’m not normally like this as you know – but try waiting in line for 30 minutes to see a plastic Peter Pan only to be bumped further back by a gluttonous, beeping mobility cart rider and his/her family of 17. Sorry sir, you’ll need to wait 5 extra minutes while we load up Jabba and company. It’s only 90 degrees with 90% humidity but bring that cart to the front of the line. Enjoy your day!

After a few days of that, my friend and I decided that mobility carts should come with a labeling system on the back. Like a license plate displaying the name of the disability. If “Trans Fats” or “Oreos” appears on the plate, sorry, no line cuts for you. If that means you don’t go to Disney World and become housebound until either Richard Simmons or a crane shows up to bring you outside again, so be it. It got to the point where I started seriously questioning why I bother running and attempting to eat healthy. Shit, if I just grew my ass four sizes, like a backwards Grinch, I could get right on every ride, every bus right away? Tempting. Where’s the Cheetos? Here I am walking around these never-ending parks on my own legs like a sucker. Beep beep beep, here I come.

Enough with my mobility cart diatribe. I’m accused periodically of being long-winded so I’ll wrap this vacation recap up with RazZian bullet points.
  • We had a great time despite the heat, humidity, mobility carts and, well, being at Disney World.
  • It’s a Small World still sucks.
  • They still need more roller coasters and other vomit inducing rides.
  • There’s not enough Purell in the world for that place.
  • Can you get herpes in your eye from a swimming pool? I think I did.
  • They offered their free dining plan. Every meal came with a dessert. I’ve never eaten so many desserts in my life. Another few weeks eating like that and I’d be in a mobility cart.
  • I have an unexplained rash now. No further details will be provided.
  • Mrs. Nitmos hates Minnie Mouse. I think she’s sexy in that red and white checkered mini skirt. Can you guess how I tormented Mrs. Nitmos?
  • This bullet point format does not allow me to expand on the near assault I got into with the airline agent at the Delta/NWA counter at the Orlando airport. Let’s just say I had to step away from the counter and let Mrs. Nitmos handle things or daddy would have spent the night in the lock up. Wearing mouse ears. Or “prag ears” as they are called in Orlando lock up.
  • We tried to leave on Saturday but Disney somehow knew we still had money in our pockets. Pluto, Goofy, and nunchuk wielding Chip n’ Dale met as at the gates. Oh, yes, we could leave….if we emptied our pockets. Or we could stay until Sunday. We stayed until Sunday.
  • I did manage two runs during the week of approximately 3 miles each. Absolutely saturated in sweat. How do you southern runners do it?

Here’s some carefully selected photos from the trip. There’s a beefcake shot of me in the pool below. Don’t sprain your index finger scrolling.

My little monster waiting for Rock n' Roller Coaster. Cute right?

My little monster soccering over the colt.

Colt being afraid of the looming Tower of Terror

Ha! you thought I'd give you a beefcake shot of my chiseled pecs and rippled abs? You were kidding yourself. Just me and my begoggled offspring sitting in the laundry tub. I say "laundry tub" because what you can't see is Mrs. Nitmos submerged and scrubbing trousers on my rippled six pack abs. That's how we do.

Disney already in Halloween mode. Sheesh.

Drinking beers (me) and pineapple juice w/coconut rum (Mrs. Nitmos and friends). I married up didn't I?
Beep beep beep, Happy trails.
* From my arrest warrant.
** From my first psychological evaluation.


RazZDoodle said...

Did Mrs. Nitmos lose a bet? you're way outta her league.

Jamoosh said...

Shirtless on runs AND in the pool - trendy!

Tall Girl Running said...

One word:


Katie A. said...

Thanks, I just spit my coffee out all over my keyboard as I laughed at your very accurate assesment of those douches in the mobility chairs!
I can't believe that you have such cute kiddos - we all know the credit goes to Mrs. Nitmos (although, I feel a little robed that I didn't see those "chiseled pecs and rippled abs.")
Glad you're back in one piece!

Blyfinn said...

Looks like a great vaca. I hate running in high heat and humid weather. I don't know if I could do it year round.

David said...

How do we Southerners do it?

1. We embrace shirtless running (and barefoot running til mama tells you to put your shoes back on - and she means shoes, not fat socks)
2. We embrace the risks of hyponatremia (i.e. we drink a lot)
3. We embrace inviting Yankees to our great southern summer races (they're easy to beat) and theme parks (its funny to watch them sweat from the ultra wide seats of our mobility carts)
4. We embrace global warming (it's been hot and humid since we were birthed by Prissy back on the plantation)
5. We embrace heat-stroke accentuated runner's high (though that is probably what really killed Elvis)
6. We embrace our sweaty women (Saying from my distant youth: "She don't sweat much for a fat girl" often said with incredulity)
7. We embrace heat training as the new altitude training. Who needs Mammoth, CA?

Pretty easy, really. Just love the one your with. But I guess you have to be southern to understand.

Al's CL Reviews said...

I haven't been to Disney in 9 years. I see it hasn't changed at all.

B.o.B. said...

Glad you got to see what us Floridians run in every. single. day. Can't believe you picked Disney in August. You are certifiable. I live here and wouldn't do it.

Marlene said...

I remember one of my primary beefs at Disney was watching the 'mobility imparied' wizz around the park with their flab hanging off the seats.

It's going to be even more irritating when I'm limping around the day after Goofy and they get in my way.

Sounds like a fun vay-cay! Cute fam.

Morgan said...

This post points out exactly why, in the 9 years I've lived here, I've gone to Disney approx 2 times. That place is an insane. All my visiting relatives always think I spend my time park hopping and I"m like... ABSOFRICKINGLUTELY NOT!!!! Ugh. As for running around these parts... welcome to my hell... I mean home. Orlando is one big giant puddle of humidity and I run around it but it's my puddle and I love it. Sorry our airport sucks... glad you didn't get locked up! LOL!

Spike said...

I like to carry with me an electromagnetic pulse device, it totally screws up their mobile carts, and any theft security devices (in case you were wondering--its one way to make Disney a little less expensive)

Kevin said...

Running in humidity! Some days it feels like you could not get any wetter if you had jumped in the pool.

X-Country2 said...

Wee! Thanks for the shout out. Even if it further draws attention to the fact that I'm bitchy and judgmental. I'd welcome you to the club, but I see you're already a sustaining member.

Vanilla said...

Wow, I had no idea you were so wealthy. (I'm assuming that is the only way you could have attracted your wife.)

Lauren said...

At six flags you can purchase a pass that lets you skip all the lines. Don't think I didn't spend that day yelling at rich people.

Running and living said...

Never a dissapointing post. I was laughing so hard my husband ended up reading your post, too;) Ana-Maria

ShutUpandRun said...

I'm still waiting on the ab/peck shot.

Betsy said...

I agree completely on the mobility carts. Doesn't that seem like it should be a wake-up call? Also, Mrs. Nitmos is gorgeous. Well done.

joyRuN said...

Hmmm... food for thought you've given me here. I need to hit up Disney right around Thanksgiving - Jabba & co should be otherwise pre-occupied with loading up on more trans fat to inflict further abuse of the mobility carts.

Adam said...

You have really cute kids (and funny - that ball thing was great).

But, who is that creepy guy in the pool trying to steal them? Hopefully you stopped him before he got too far.

Lily on the Road said...

So glad you all had a great trip, I'd personally go to Disney in the winter, but hey, who am I.

BTW, I've always said Mrs. Nitmos must be an angel...well, thanks for the proof....

Kristina said...

This is why I don't take Henry anywhere he wants to go. In fact, I leave him home altogether and go where I want to go alone. Highly recommended.

t-odd said...

Did you know they had to close It's A Small World to redesign the boats because the "fatties" kept bottoming them out and clogging the ride and getting stuck in the boats?

Disney is no longer the happiest place on earth, just the heaviest!

Marci said...

You definately married up !:) Looks like you had a great time!

Jesse said...

Thanks for your timely Disney commentary. We're headed there again in just a couple of hours, and I'm now more excited about playing "fat or crippled" than I am about riding Test Track.

Jess said...

Hahaha Fat or Crippled soounds like an awesome game. lol. Despite the fatties cutting in front of you in line, it looks like you and the family had a good time!

Roisin said...

Get out of my brain. I play "Fat or Crippled" all the time. Unfortunately, I tend to play out loud rather than in my head, which has led to some nasty confrontations...

Anonymous said...

Crowds, heat, Minnie Mouse and mobility carts don't sound fun. It's a good thing you sprung for that rum drink or your hot wife would leave you for sure.

Ovens2Betsy said...

When we were there for marathon weekend this year we saw a very large mammal, I mean, man, who had the following phrase on his t-shirt:

"They say exercise can't kill you, but why take the chance?"

It was in printed in two lines, but could have easily fit in one line across.

Velma said...

Hilarious post! We have all thought about playing that game, but you are actually ballsy enough to put it out there! Nice work

Danielle in Iowa said...

Please tell me you brought your children on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride? How else do we get the youths of American hooked on acid trips early?