Friday, September 04, 2009

Dick Beardsley's Ego

The unmitigated gull it takes to send me an email announcing that a Dick Beardsley movie is in production. Me!!! That’s like Wile E. Coyote sending the Roadrunner an invitation to his birthday party. But that’s what happened. I’m wandering through my email the other day searching for any new ideas people may have for obtaining prescription drugs from Canada, stretching my penis, or claiming prize money from a Ugandan bank*, when I come across an email from the Dick Beardsley Foundation asking for people to enter a contest to name the upcoming Beardsley bio movie. And, get this, they refer to him as the “marathon champion.” Snort. Guffaw. Eye roll. (play along, this isn’t a visual medium.)

You’ll remember my completely one-sided and largely fabricated rivalry I have with Mr. Beardsley. It came to a peak on the summit of Boston’s Heartbreak Hill during the 2008 Boston Marathon. I was able to put together a crudely photoshopped, mildly slanderous photo of the Beardsley Monster as I saw him that day. He destroyed my baby cows.** Marathon champion, motivational speaker (seriously, check him out if you can), subject of feature film he may be but nobody – NO ONE – puts my baby cows in a corner.

Beardsley Monster circa 2008 (artist rendering - but very accurate)

The email gave the appearance of a mass media emailing announcement rather than a personalized attack on yours truly. Heck, some of you may have even received it. Don’t believe it. This whole thing…the movie, the references to Beardsley as “marathon legend” and “marathon champion”, the inspiring life story…are all part of a coordinated multi-pronged F.U. designed to undermine my bid for redemption at the 2010 Boston Marathon.

Clever, Beardsley, well played.

If you click this link, you can go to his foundation web page and enter the contest. (Hurry, today is the last day for entry!) I want you to pay particular attention to the subtle little slam aimed at me towards the bottom. It says:

How To Enter (For Regular Folks):

Nice. “For Regular Folks”?!? Way to build yourself up while putting me in my place. I may not have running “awards” or have been part of the most famous marathon in “history” or survived “near-death encounters” with farm equipment *** or appeared in the Guinness Book of World Records or been the subject of books/films. And I may work an 8-5 job**** and live in the suburban Midwest and lack notoriety and personal wealth. But “regular folk”? The gull! Snort. Guffaw. Eye roll.

You’ve gone too far Mr. Beardsley. I had to print that email on non-standard 11’ x 17’ paper just to get most of your ego on it.

I’ll see you on Heartbreak Hill in 7 ½ months for a second go ‘round.

Between now and then, you keep getting soft making self-aggrandizing feature films and drinking your Minnesota style lattes with pinkie finger extended while twisting your dastardly pencil-thin curled mustache.

I’ll keep running.

We’ll see who the “regular folk” is then.

Happy trails.

Remember to enter today in order to be eligible for the prize!

* I have a transaction in process to claim over $150,000 from a Ugandan bank right now! If I disappear from the internet suddenly, you’ll know I got too rich for the rest of you. I just had to send off my social security number….
** For you Feet Meet Street beginners, “baby cows” refers to my calf muscles. Keep up will you? You’re slowing the rest of us down.
*** Though I did see Son In Law starring Pauly Shore so I’ve had my own near death farm related experience.
**** Who am I kidding? It’s more like 8:50 – 4:30. But don’t tell my boss.


The Sean said...

ALways crucial to stab at Pauley Shore. (this is a representation of me making that annoying little repetitive sound he was so famous for.)

ps- for your next photoshop magic try a carrot top/ pauley shore "if they made it"

Vanilla said...

All of a sudden I find myself liking Beardsley even more than I ever have.

GO DICK BEARDSLEY, bring the fight to Nitmos.

B.o.B. said...

Ha ha! Nitmos I did take you down in foot notes! GO ME.

(I'll take my small victories as they come.)

Good luck with Ugandan bank transaction. I am actually still waiting for my money. It must still be tied up in their accounts. Go figure.

Spike said...

that guy has no respect for you or your baby cows. I think that e-mail is the last body blow, you have to strike back. I suggest you legally change your name to his, and then begin to appropriately defile it.

X-Country2 said...

8:50-4:30 with a long lunch and at least 4-5 hours of internet time. Yay capitalism!

Viper said...

Does Beardsley talk about how to get beaten by a motor cycle in his motivational speeches?

Mike Antonucci said...

I don't enter such contests since I inexplicably lost the contest to name Charlton Heston's autobiography.

The winner: "In the Arena"

My entry: "Guns 'n' Moses"

You be the judge.

Kristina said...

You do have a giant wall-size original Beardsley Monster hanging in the dining room, I hope.

Tola said...

Seems like a lot of Dick-related posts lately ...

Irish Cream said...

And here I was thinking to myself the other day, "I sure hope Nitmos reposts that incredible photo of the Beardsley Monster soon. I'm just way too lazy to use the search function and find it myself." Success.

Danielle in Iowa said...

I entered with "Dick Beardsley only *wishes* he were Nitmos." Do you think that might win?

Beth said...

You are going to plan a trip to the premier, right?

Anonymous said...

You always make me laugh with your Dick Beardsley postings. :-) Jill B.