Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Mistress Hammysnap

Sometimes training plans can be a real bitch. A real spiky heeled dominatrix, in fact. The kind that makes you cry out “Yes, Mistress Hammysnap*, may I have another!” at the lowest point of your long run.

I rolled out of bed Sunday morning with a belly full of celebratory beer mixed with a club sandwich and a heaping portion of seasoned French fries along with a bad case of Low Motivation. Why? Well, my college football filled Saturday afternoon went like this:

1) Watch last few minutes as one of my alma maters beat Michigan State on a last second field goal bringing a smirk to my face.
2) Watch Michigan take out Notre Dame on a last second touchdown bringing a big, wide, borderline euphoric smile to my face.
3) Consume beer/club sandwich at local restaurant. Not even care as kids barely miss smacking into lamps and whacking people in the face with pool cues as I sat at nearby table with goofy grin still etched into cheeks.
4) Go home. Watch Ohio State lose in the last minute. Smile is cartoony wide now and consumes whole face.


That, my friends, is called the trifecta! Or quadfecta if you include the beer and club sandwich. A good night.

However, life is all about the yin yang, the balancing of fate. For every Seinfeld, there’s a Bob Patterson or Michael Richards Show. The wider my smile got; the more leery I became of the payback.

So as I rolled from the warm, comfortable embrace of Mrs. Nitmos Sunday morning to tackle the long run, I knew I was in trouble. Mistress Hammysnap would smell the beer and detect the signs of unrestrained joy still dancing around the corners of my mouth. I would pay. Oh, yes, how ‘bout a nice spiked heel to your left hamstring around mile six??

I let the previous evening’s events circumcise my planned 15 miles to 13. The plan became 5 miles around 7:00 pace, 5 miles at race pace (6:45), and then 3 miles cool down in the 7-7:15 range. The half marathon is two weeks away and conventional wisdom tells me I should start to taper at some point after this run (but not in the middle of it – this isn’t OSU football after all.**)

Heavy. Sluggish. Tired. Damn, beer doesn’t make for good pre-run hydration. Mistress Hammysnap was beating me in the back like a derby racehorse just to squeeze a 7:01 pace out of me through 5 miles. Sweat? Buckets full.

And now I needed to get faster? The club sandwich was trying to find a way out like it was fleeing from a brothel raid. Pinch. Convince myself it’s just a hernia. Pinch a second time to slam the door shut. Run on.

ThankyoumayIhaveanother!? ThankyoumayIhaveanother?! I managed to please Mistress with the next five miles at a 6:41 pace. I left a lot of evaporative beer and club sandwich out on the course though. My hammies didn’t snap (thank you, Mistress!) but they did strain and start reciting a prayer just in case.

Cool down three miles. But “cool down” doesn’t feel like COOL DOWN when the pace is only 20 seconds per mile slower than the previous five. And those five were unmitigated torture.

7:05, 7:06 and then an unplanned sprint in at mile 13 with a 6:40. The final mile is the only in which I deviated from plan. Mistress Hammysnap didn’t have to time to take a pound of flesh in punishment. She was overridden by Master B.M. who exacted a pound of …something else.

13.0 miles
1:29:23 time
6:53 pace


I was a good boy. Mistress must have been pleased with the effort. I’m sure she’ll be there on race day wearing chaps, a bull whip and spiked heels. Saddle up!

Race day is on a Sunday (in two weeks). I better look at that Saturday’s football schedule to know what I might be in for.

Happy trails.

* The name is entirely fictionalized. There’s no way I’d pay to be ritualistically beaten – at a cost of $125 an hour – every Wednesday evening from 7-9 (discounted rates for multiple hours!). No way.
** Hey-ohhhh!

22 comments:

Marlene said...

Mistress Whatchamacallit must have brought out the whip around mile 5.

Impressive run after a night of beer, fastfood and football.

X-Country2 said...

You loved it and you know it.

Morgan said...

How great was that Michigan game!?!? *Sigh*

I am seriously cracking up hard core over here over the Mistress... and the *pinch*.

Lily on the Road said...

Giddyup big boy!!! You know you loved it....

RazZDoodle said...

What...no paddles with holes in them? Or does she break that out for *marathon* training?

B.o.B. said...

I told you not to mention my name in your blog. Sheesh.

Ace said...

Go Big Blue! Halfway to a successful season...

Blyfinn said...

Wow that was some great visuals you gave me. I didn't know you were so into that. I should have known though. "saddle up"

Vanilla said...

I just hope you have a "safe word," not that I'd know anything about those kind of situations.

Jess said...

Haha glad you were able to make it through the run even though you were largely fueled by beer.

Roisin said...

Go Michigan! Yes, I went to school in Ohio, but not OSU. Although many of my KSU friends are OSU fans, to which I reply, if you love OSU so much, why didn't you go there? Huh?

Adam said...

$125 per hour!? You should really look into their frequent whipper plan. 10 hours and you get a free boot to the face.

Viper said...

The only team in my vicinity that won this weekend was Akron. And I went to a rival MAC school, but I'll take what I can get.

Meg Runs said...

I live vicariously by reading your blog...gracias.

Kristina said...

I'd like more info on these sandwiches that frequent brothels. On second thought, no I wouldn't.

Danielle said...

Dude, I thought it was common sense not to leave for a long run until Master BM has had his way with you!

DinIA

Marci said...

Wow that is a great run after a night of Beverages...

RunToFinish said...

holy cow maybe I should start drinking before my long runs if it will make me that fast

Jeff said...

I had to squeeze an errand in between games, so I left after the failed CMU 2 point conversion. I came back to a frowning wife who gently broke the news. I watched the replay about 10 times. That one hurt.

Sun Runner said...

Wasn't that UM game something? Oh, my maize and blue blood was running hot that day! I felt like running up and down my street with my M flag yelling at the top of my lungs.

Sigh, Nitmos, don't you know by now you're supposed to "clear the system" BEFORE you go running? ;)

Spike said...

I wondered what that nasty pile of last-night's-dinner was on Sunday.

nevertheless, solid run.

Jessica said...

I think your mistress favors Ohio State and she took it out on you.